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    Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

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    default Re: Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

    Post by Cheaps on Thu May 12, 2011 12:29 am

    ^^ ROFLMAO!



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    default Re: Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

    Post by Alan Smithee on Wed May 18, 2011 7:57 am

    1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.





    2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.





    3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.




    4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.





    5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

    And....




    6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


    THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


    The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

    There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!






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    default Re: Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

    Post by Wadsworth on Sat Jun 04, 2011 5:58 am

    The Blind Date...

    Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Tim?" asked Joe.

    "I want to get weighed," he said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 140 pounds. He got on the scale; it read 147 and he won a prize.

    Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Tim what he would like to do. "I want to get weighed," he said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed his correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

    The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," he responded. By this time, Joe figured he was really weird and took him home early, dropping him off with a handshake.

    His roommate, Laura, asked him about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Tim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."



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    default Re: Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

    Post by Alan Smithee on Sat Jun 04, 2011 3:11 pm

    ^I thought I told the hetero version of that but it must have been on another forum.

    After driving all day, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a
    little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of
    the cab.

    "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

    "Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again
    by another jogger who wants to know the time. "It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding
    to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME.
    He sticks the paper in his windshield.

    But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger.



    A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided
    to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started
    canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

    She went to the front door of the first house, and
    asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

    "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,"
    he said, "How much will you charge me?"

    The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

    The man agreed and told her that the paint and
    everything she would need were in the garage.

    The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her
    husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all
    the way around the house?"

    He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

    The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting
    to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been
    getting by e-mail lately."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to
    collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

    "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left
    over, so I gave it two coats."

    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the
    $50.00 and handed it to her.

    "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a
    Porch, it's a Lexus."



    Last edited by alan smithee on Sat Jun 04, 2011 3:15 pm; edited 2 times in total



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    Post by Alan Smithee on Sat Jun 04, 2011 3:14 pm

    Maria just got married, and being a traditional
    Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding
    night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
    But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's
    a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
    So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off
    his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

    Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama,
    Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria",
    says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests.
    Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

    So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom,
    Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
    Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

    "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got
    hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy
    legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take
    good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got
    up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left
    foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this,
    she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot
    and a half!"

    "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother.
    "This is a job for Mama!"




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 07, 2011 8:58 pm

    Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

    Blanche always replied, " I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

    One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

    To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

    Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

    Bill replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:03 pm

    At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old
    baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation
    is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

    'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose
    together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'.

    'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called,
    you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a
    pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?' The
    little boy nodded 'yes' again. He continued, 'And when I take you out
    of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good
    sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?' The
    little boy shook his head 'NO'. 'GOOD', said the coach.. 'Now go over
    there and explain all that to your grandmother!'




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:10 pm

    The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman President, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election the President-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

    'I don't think so. It's an 18 hour drive."

    'Don't worry about it, dad, I'll send Air Force One, and a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

    'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

    Oh Dad," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington.'

    'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer?'

    The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry, dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.'

    So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's dad and mom. Dad, noticing the senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?'

    The Senator whispers back, 'You bet I do.'

    Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers."

    (Red, is everyone in Wisconsin like this big grin)



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    Post by Alan Smithee on Fri Jun 17, 2011 9:08 pm

    A Jewish man visits his mother to tell her some news.

    "Mama, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news."

    "Oy...tell the bad news first."

    "I can't hide it any longer. I'm gay and I've fallen in love with a wonderful man."

    "Oh my God! And what is the good news?"

    "He's a doctor."



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    default Re: Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

    Post by GrayWolf on Wed Jun 22, 2011 12:22 pm

    Three 3rd graders -- an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game called: 'Who has the biggest weenie'.

    They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. His is by far the biggest.

    That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

    Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and during recess my friends and I played 'Who has the biggest weenie.'

    "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

    "Well, me, Patrick and Tony each pulled out our weenies, and I had the
    biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

    Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
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    default Re: Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

    Post by Alan Smithee on Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:58 pm

    ROFLMAO!



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    default Re: Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

    Post by Chris on Wed Jun 22, 2011 3:58 pm

    GrayWolf wrote:Three 3rd graders -- an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game called: 'Who has the biggest weenie'.

    They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. His is by far the biggest.

    That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

    Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and during recess my friends and I played 'Who has the biggest weenie.'

    "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

    "Well, me, Patrick and Tony each pulled out our weenies, and I had the
    biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

    Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

    LMAO!



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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:14 pm

    One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
    "I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
    "Whatever for?"
    "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
    The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:16 pm

    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
    The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:18 pm

    A five-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.
    That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."
    The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.
    The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:19 pm

    Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls."
    Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"
    "No", Sue answers. "That dirty."




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:20 pm

    A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
    Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50.
    Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50.
    Hand Job: - $10.00.
    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
    "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
    "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
    "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
    The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:21 pm

    One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
    While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
    The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
    This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother."




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:22 pm

    A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".
    The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:24 pm

    Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
    After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
    The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
    "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:47 pm

    A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
    He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
    She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:49 pm

    It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
    The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
    The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
    Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:50 pm

    This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.
    "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar.
    "It figures," she says as she storms inside.
    The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.
    "What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal.... and then ...I come in here ...and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!"
    "Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"




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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:52 pm

    A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
    Alas, she finally croaked.
    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
    In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."
    Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
    The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."




    My nephew Tony's little brother and me...


    "The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong -- but that's the way to bet."
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    Alan Smithee
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    Post by Alan Smithee on Tue Jun 28, 2011 5:56 pm

    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
    He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
    The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."




    My nephew Tony's little brother and me...


    "The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong -- but that's the way to bet."

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    default Re: Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

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