Question for you married folk....

How did you know you should get married?

I have been thinking more and more Jay and I should get married so I can just say he is my husband. Really, as soon as I think about it seriously, I talk myself out of it! But I really think that after I turn 40 I am really going to want to marry him.

But I am desperately trying to figure out if I am able to marry someone. I think I posted here about him wanting to pay the money to put power into a section of Dad's land where the moto track is at. The more I thought about that, the more it seemed like too serious of a commitment. There is this odd little part of me that thinks he should not have a permanent connection to the land by spending the money for power out in that part of the land. So stupid cuz he loves it there more than I do.

A while back, I was watching a movie about a family where the mom's ill, elderly father moved in with them. The dad's co-worker said something like, "It must suck to have to take care of a parent that is not your own." My son walked in on that part and I said, "That's one thing about Daddy, he will always help me with Papa if Papa needs help." My son said, "He already does that." Wow...such a cool moment. And yeah, he does. When my uncle died last month, Jay was totally there for us. He drove me and Dad when Dad was going to drive alone and my son and I prepared to take the bus to Chicago.

But as soon as I think us getting married is a phenomenal idea, I think about our shitty past (oh, lawd, was it shit....) and I feel like I should never in a million years marry him. But I was as much of a jerk as he was so really, we are even. Plus, up until the last year or so ago, I planned to move to Chicago after my son graduated high school and Jay won't live there. I have softened on that as I would need much more for retirement in Chicago and my step-daughter will have children and I don't want to miss out on seeing them all the time.

So, I am so struggling with this...on my death bed, will I want to have married someone or will I be pleased I remained quirky and fancy-free?

first... red... you will always be quirky and fancy-free, marrying wont change that.

i loved bein married. but i was young and stupid... i thought that us being married (we were 20/21 when we got married) made us aninvincible team.. and that we would always fight to stay together. that is the fantasy part. it takes TWO to keep it together.

Marriage, regardless of what anyone says, comes out to be a financial/legal commitment more than anything else. would you be better off marrying financially? probably--- you would be entitled to his health benefits right now, and if he died first, his social security and pension... perhaps even health benefits after his death if his employer provides it. in some states, regardless of WHAT his will/insurance policies say--- as a wife you are entitled to a certain percentage (conway twitty's wife was cut out of the will, but the state said she was entitled to one third of everything regardless). another thing to consider is medical/legal responsibility for one another---

what if he would injured severely? or you for that matter? who would you rather trust to make your medical decisions (pull the plug, keep you on life support, donate your organs? how about make the funeral arrangements???) even VISITING a patient in certain hospitals that is not legally your spouse can cause problems.

my sister was with a guy named wayne from her 17th birthday. on her 30th bday they got married. seven yrs later, a marriage counselor told them "get a divorce and move back in together.. you belong together but you put too much emphasis on the marriage certificate--- it is making you feel trapped" they did and 10yrs later she passed away STILL living with him.

The real problem with the whole relationship??? (well one problem at least)... before they were married, he was in a coma and his parents wanted to pull the plug--- my sister signed a contract with his parents that if he should awake, she would nurse him back to health and take responsibility for him--- his MOTHER did not want to have to care for an invalid!!! that man is alive today cause my sister at 23 had more balls and love than his own mother did! she taught him to talk, walk, ride his motorcycle, swim, sail.. everything he used to do.. he does again--but it took YEARS of committment from her.

however, when she died, because they were divorced, my mother was next of kin--- so i got to have the funeral i wanted. he was a complete ass and would not even go with me to the funeral home because he was afraid that he might have to pay something! and what kills me is im sure he had insurance on her.. no proof of it, but i bet he did. I have a friend on the other hand whose brother died, and the wife with whom he was seperated but still legally married to got his insurance, decided on the funeral arrangements without wanting any input from the family--- and then kept all of his ashes and refused to give the family any of the ashes or any belongings!!! and they had not lived together in years!

in my family... i decided to buy an angel pendant for our immediate family that each one had some of her ashes, and the rest of her ashes i gave to my mother.

that's not to say that you shouldnt get married for love... and committment... and family values --- but if you are only NOT get married to a man you have been with for 15yrs.... a man that is good to you, your son, and your father--- because of "bad things" you both did in the past??? my personal opinion is that you have already forgiven him for those past mistakes--- if not, you would have walked away. and honestly--- that is a HUGE part of marriage, compromise, acceptance, forgiveness and ridiing the ups and downs in life together.

i honestly think that if my sister remained married, she would still be alive today! her "whatever" would have been responsible for her when she started going crazy with schizophrenia, and she would have had his health insurance to get treament. however, legally, my mother was next of kin and the only one who could have requested a legal conservatorship/guardianship.. whatever they call it.. so if my sister killed someone, my mother would have been held responsible. HOWEVER, if mr. whatever thought HE could have been sued because she beat someone with a baseball bat, or wrecked someone's car--- you bet your ass he would have put her in a hospital for treatment and she would be alive.

ok... ill shut up now.

RedBedroom wrote:How did you know you should get married?

Red, I dunno. That's such a personal thing. For me it wasn't that I thought I should get married. Deb and I knew we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and were happy to signify that with an archaic social commitment ceremony. The way you describe your quandry to me sounds like you're trying to decide if you should honor some obligation. Do you love Jay? Does Jay love you? Never mind deciding if you should marry him. Would he be willing to marry you? Does he fill your heart or are you two together out of habit for your son? I don't remember reading he wanted to spend money on your father's land but I do remember you telling us you figured you'd be out of there and back in Chicago when your son turned 18. I think you two have done great to give your son a stable, two parent home but probably sooner rather than later you're going to be empty nesters. What then? Of course, when all else fails you could just flip a coin or let your vajayjay do the thinking like W2L

Of course, I can't answer that personally....but I do think that if you're shacking up and already doing things that married folks do....you might as well make it legal.

Red ~

First off, there is no one who can be absolutely sure of marriage decisions, no matter how secure they think they are. I think the area to ponder is how you feel that you can weather storms together. It does appear that you both have "grown up" a lot from your earlier years, and I see a lot of maturity in the both of you.

Will your living arrangements remain the same? The financial part? Be sure of agreements there ~ money contentions can add strain worse than anything else, and I hope you're both responsible people.

Important: Marriage need not make someone feel that they're shackled. Sure, you have someone else to consider now, but it does not have to mean loss of 'freedom'. You will not lose your identity. Hopefully he has things HE enjoys, you have things YOU enjoy, and things you enjoy TOGETHER. And be there for each other when crisis hits. (I was given lay-off notice last week, and that will be a huge impact for us to deal with.)

My husband and I lived together 13 years before we decided to make it legal. He'd been working a job that provided no health benefits, and I wanted to cover him in my plans. Besides, the time had finally come when we wanted to "seal" things.

red.... its after 9pm... so u know what my question is going to be----- Hows the sex??? LOL

My husband and I were on completely different sexual wavelengths... and although i thought he was a really nice guy... after years... i just knew it wouldnt work. after years of trying out guys... that is when i met chris for the mindblowing, slam me against the wall.. pull my hair... bedroom gymnastics that you see in the movies! LOL

wants2laugh wrote:red.... its after 9pm... so u know what my question is going to be----- Hows the sex???

I think Red told us once that she gets a little vocal so...

Well, she was pregnant, but we had already been talking about marriage since very early into the relationship. We were both ready to settle down, were looking for that kind of long term stability and found it in each other. The baby kind of cemented what we were working towards.

Thanks for all the words, Chamber. I honestly adore all the advice, and have printed the pages so I can read them later. This week is a tough week for any deep thoughts (not having to do with our family directly, but a close family).

Again, I so appreciate all the insight. I sure wish I could figure it all out. Weeks like this make me want even more to shit or get off the pot when it comes to making a commitment to him.