'Things to not say to a new home owner'

This is sort of a game; what are some things people should avoid saying to a new home owner?

The rats won't be a problem if you don't leave food out.

What did they do with the cemetery that used to be here?

What did you use to get the blood stains out of these lovely hardwood floors?

I forget...how many people did your realtor say were murdered here?

Is this the same house your momma used to run?

Those aren't roaches.

You can barely see that bullet hole.

Don't worry about the chalk outline, that's abstract art. Gives the place character.

"They caught most of those dudes who shot out the windows here."

I wouldn't buy it, so I'm glad someone did.

Smells like something died in here.

That plate just moved.

Those insects are not termites.

Taxes are going up this year!

The people around here only steal on Tuesdays.

don't worry... the creek only floods in the summer

those holes in the yard aren't snake holes, they are just aerating the lawn.

don't get upset about the sirens, its just a cougar/alligator/bear in the area--- no big deal.

The last people left in the middle of the night claiming that blood was running down the walls. But I don't really believe in hauntings.

They're building a prison on that large piece of empty property that abuts your backyard.

Or the one my cousin said in her most snobbish way about the home we just bought. "Its cute".

I'm gonna play this game COMPLETELY wrong because I just bought a foreclosed home that needs a tad bit of work. Which is sad because it's less than 10 years old but clearly the people living there before weren't used to upscale living.

So as I was going through some mail left behind I found out some disturbing shit:

I used to know AND work with the chick that used to live there. And that bitch was GRIMY. And sucked her thumb in training. And didn't wash too well.



Now I itch every time I walk in.

Congratulations on your new home. I guess if the walls could speak they'd breath a sigh of relief now that you're there instead of Ms Skeezy McNasty.

Your mortgage check bounced.

You can't smell the slaughterhouse next door unless the wind is blowing this way.