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by RobbieFTW Tue Aug 07, 2012 11:58 pmHere's a Letter from a Dad Disowning His Gay Son
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Reddit user RegBarc posted the disturbing missive, and writes:
In August of 2007, I finally built up the
courage to tell my father I was gay. The moment I said it, the phone
got quiet and he got off the phone after a few "Okay"s. I decided to
give him time to process the news. About a week later, and not long
before my birthday, I received the following letter:
"James: This is a difficult but necessary
letter to write. I hope your telephone call was not to receive my
blessing for the degrading of your lifestyle. I have fond memories of
our times together, but that is all in the past. Don’t expect any
further conversations With me. No communications at all. I will not come
to visit, nor do I want you in my house. You’ve made your choice though
Wrong it may be. God did not intend for this unnatural lifestyle. If
you choose not to attend my funeral, my friends and family will
understand. Have a good birthday and good life. No present exchanges
will be accepted. Goodbye, Dad."
It's important to know just what this
zealotry from Bryan Fisher, Maggie Gallagher, Dan Cathy, et al., does to
everyday people. I've never done drugs, was an excellent student, an
obedient child (far less trouble than many of my classmates), didn't
drink until I was 22 because it terrified me, and have had just 1
speeding ticket in my life. Yet I am still seemingly deserving of this
terrible act of hate and cowardice that one person can place on another.
5 years on and I am still doing fine, though this letter saunters into
my mind every once in a while. When it does, I say without hesitation:
F**k you, Dad.
It's an all too familiar situation for many LGBT kids out there.
He's right. The Dan Cathys of the world are giving tacit permission to parents to act this way. Shame on them.
Read more: http://www.towleroad.com/2012/08/heres-a-letter-from-a-dad-disowning-his-gay-son.html#ixzz22voBQLhY
+10
Cheaps
Shale
Tony Marino
Forgiveness Man
Nystyle709
Chris
Suzi
RedBedroom
CeCe
RobbieFTW
14 posters
Letter from a Dad Disowning His Gay Son
RobbieFTW- …is Being Fitted For a Crown.
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CeCe- …is a Chamber DEITY.
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This is just heartbreaking & an example of what people are forced to endure from the people who should love them most. My heart goes out to James. That sorry excuse for a father can rot. Asshole.
RedBedroom- …is a Chamber DEITY.
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My heart breaks for this child. He did not deserve this. However, why is Dan Cathy being credited for what this awful father would have done either way? Cathy is being given too much power if he is to blame for this particular incidence.
Suzi- …is a Power Member.
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CeCe wrote:This is just heartbreaking & an example of what people are forced to endure from the people who should love them most. My heart goes out to James. That sorry excuse for a father can rot. Asshole.
Chris- Chamber Admin.
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Really unfortunate. The guy should just bless his father and move on from him.
Nystyle709- ...is a 20G Chamber DIETY.
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RedBedroom wrote:However, why is Dan Cathy being credited for what this awful father would have done either way? Cathy is being given too much power if he is to blame for this particular incidence.
For the most part. I don't know how many times I have to say this, but I will do again: You cannot force people to like or accept homosexuality. It's just the fact of the matter. You can only make sure homosexuals not discriminated against because of it. If this guy wants to disown his son, that's his loss. But to say Cathy and all these other people is the reason why he disowned his son is the dumbest thing I ever heard. Well, ONE of the dumbest things I should say.
Forgiveness Man- …is a Chamber Royal.
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Blaming Cathy for parents disowning their kids is just exploiting pain for a political agenda. Blurring the distinction between not approving of a spouse and disowning your kid is also just exploiting pain for a political agenda. It's cheap tactics to shut down discussion. (It also makes me suspect that people who try to make such comparisons would be the first to disown their own family if they ever stepped outside said person's narrow zone of acceptance.) And while I am sure many like to try and paint everybody who sees views differently than them as the same as such bad parents, I don't fall for such obvious fallacies.
Parents shouldn't disown their kids, for any reason. Period. That doesn't mean that a parent has to acknowledge every choice a child makes as good either. Whether the child is taking a job the parent doesn't like, choosing a spouse the parent doesn't like, or anything else that a parent might take issue with, the parent should always be able to love the child and seek a continuing relationship with them, without having to be a "yes" parent. You cannot provide continuing instruction to children if you disown them. So if you disown your child, THEN you are a failure as a parent, because you are essentially walking away from your duty.
If the child severs the relationship because Mommy or Daddy won't tell them what they want to hear, then that's on them. Then THEY are the ones disowning their parents for selfish reasons, and THEY become the true failures.
So ultimately, families shouldn't disown each other, nor should they always feel the need to condone every choice somebody else in the family makes. Families need to learn to work through problems instead of either walking away from them, pretending that they don't exist, or turning into "yes" robots.
JM2.5C
FM out.
Parents shouldn't disown their kids, for any reason. Period. That doesn't mean that a parent has to acknowledge every choice a child makes as good either. Whether the child is taking a job the parent doesn't like, choosing a spouse the parent doesn't like, or anything else that a parent might take issue with, the parent should always be able to love the child and seek a continuing relationship with them, without having to be a "yes" parent. You cannot provide continuing instruction to children if you disown them. So if you disown your child, THEN you are a failure as a parent, because you are essentially walking away from your duty.
If the child severs the relationship because Mommy or Daddy won't tell them what they want to hear, then that's on them. Then THEY are the ones disowning their parents for selfish reasons, and THEY become the true failures.
So ultimately, families shouldn't disown each other, nor should they always feel the need to condone every choice somebody else in the family makes. Families need to learn to work through problems instead of either walking away from them, pretending that they don't exist, or turning into "yes" robots.
JM2.5C
FM out.
Tony Marino- …is a Global Moderator.
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First thing I would have done was to reply to Dad and just say: Dear Dad, FUCK YOU! Then just move on with my life and never look back. It had to have hurt tremendously but in the long run I am sure it has made him a stronger person. What a Jerk the father is, makes me wonder if he ever had any kind of love for his son at all.
CeCe- …is a Chamber DEITY.
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Well obviously this guy isn't blaming Cathy since the letter was sent in 2007. It just recently became viral. What's being pointed out is that it's the behavior of people like Cathy & other people like him such as Bryan Fisher, Brian Brown, Maggie Gallagher, Peter LaBarbera & the rest of the AFA & NOM type loons can't be ignored. Just as the behavior of the racists of the 60's like George Wallace & every other idiot who had the "opinion" that people who were not white didn't deserve the same rights. Behavior ignored very easily becomes behavior accepted. It's fine to have an "opinion" until that opinion steps into the territory of another person's rights. "Life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness" didn't just apply to certain people.
And these people ARE zealots. Bryan Fischer recently promoted the idea of kidnapping the children of gay people, calling for an "underground railroad". These fucktards deserve to be called out & anyone who has been rejected by their family, especially some of these kids who are so young need to know they're not alone & that is is the way some of them feel. So if the release of this letter helps them it's damn well worth it.
No one HAS to "accept" homosexuality just as no one has to accept the religious bullshit that gets slung around. But NO ONE has the right to interfere in the private lives of people to live their lives in peace. The problem with some of these people is that they are actively attempting to get legislation passed to do that. When a group forms that attempts to block the church doors & keep them from entering, I'll oppose that too. We're going to have the country we allow. I'm glad to see people finally saying "enough". The names of these people come up because they're the ones who keep making the public comments. It isn't so much a specific individual but the mindset they promote.
And these people ARE zealots. Bryan Fischer recently promoted the idea of kidnapping the children of gay people, calling for an "underground railroad". These fucktards deserve to be called out & anyone who has been rejected by their family, especially some of these kids who are so young need to know they're not alone & that is is the way some of them feel. So if the release of this letter helps them it's damn well worth it.
No one HAS to "accept" homosexuality just as no one has to accept the religious bullshit that gets slung around. But NO ONE has the right to interfere in the private lives of people to live their lives in peace. The problem with some of these people is that they are actively attempting to get legislation passed to do that. When a group forms that attempts to block the church doors & keep them from entering, I'll oppose that too. We're going to have the country we allow. I'm glad to see people finally saying "enough". The names of these people come up because they're the ones who keep making the public comments. It isn't so much a specific individual but the mindset they promote.
Shale- ...is a Chamber Royal.
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^ What CeCe Said!
For me, I once got a similar response from my mother when she sent back a pic of Brenda in a letter that started "what makes you think I want a picture of your black woman?" In that letter she ran down all my other transgressions to her values, including my homosexuality (she once met Jim but accepted that he was my 'roommate.' Apparently she knew he was more than that but just denied it at the time).
I sent a letter back that I disowned her and we did not communicate for a couple of years. She finally came around and Brenda and I visited her in Missouri. But, ppl have to live their lives by their values not someone else's so if you father or mother can't accept you for whatever, then to hell with them and move on with your life.
For me, I once got a similar response from my mother when she sent back a pic of Brenda in a letter that started "what makes you think I want a picture of your black woman?" In that letter she ran down all my other transgressions to her values, including my homosexuality (she once met Jim but accepted that he was my 'roommate.' Apparently she knew he was more than that but just denied it at the time).
I sent a letter back that I disowned her and we did not communicate for a couple of years. She finally came around and Brenda and I visited her in Missouri. But, ppl have to live their lives by their values not someone else's so if you father or mother can't accept you for whatever, then to hell with them and move on with your life.
Cheaps- ...is a 20G Chamber DIETY.
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That's sad, his father's loss.
Jason B.- …is a Power Member.
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The sad thing about that letter is how calm and pseudo "reasoned" it is. Children are a gift to cherish and keep close to your heart for life. I think there's a special place in hell for people who are willing to abuse what God gave them like that.
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Cheaps wrote:That's sad, his father's loss.
Shale- ...is a Chamber Royal.
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Jason B. wrote:The sad thing about that letter is how calm and pseudo "reasoned" it is. Children are a gift to cherish and keep close to your heart for life. ...
This is letter appeared in the Huffpost. The reporter was so upset after reading it, he wondered what his letter would say if he found out his son was gay…this how love sounds.
Dear hypothetically gay son,
You're gay. Obviously you already know that, because you told us at the dinner table last night. I apologize for the awkward silence afterwards, but I was chewing. It was like when we're at a restaurant and the waiter comes up mid-bite and asks how the meal is, only in this metaphor you are the waiter, and instead of asking me about my meal, you said you were gay. I don't know why I needed to explain that. I think I needed to find a funny way to repeat the fact that you're gay... because that is what it sounds like in my head right now: "My son is gay. My son is gay. My son is gay. “Let me be perfectly clear: I love you. I will always love you. Since being gay is part of who you are, I love that you're gay. I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea. If you sensed any sadness in my silence last night, it was because I was surprised that I was surprised. Ideally, I would have already known. Since you were an embryo, my intent has always been to really know you for who you are and not who I expect you to be. And yet, I was taken by surprise at last night's dinner. Have I said "surprise" enough in this paragraph? One more time: Surprise!
OK. Let's get a few things straight about how things are going to be.
1. Our home is a place of safety and love. The world has dealt you a difficult card. While LGBT people are becoming more accepted, it is still a difficult path to walk. You're going to experience hate and anger and misunderstandings about who you are out in the world. That will not happen here. You need to know with every fibre of who you are that when you walk in the front door of your home, you are safe, and you are loved. Your mother is in complete agreement with me on this.
2. I am still, as always, your biggest defender. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're any less capable of taking care of and defending yourself. That said, if you need me to stand next to you or in front of you, write letters, sign petitions, advocate, or anything else, I am here. I would go to war for you.
3. If you're going to have boys over, you now need to leave your be
droom door open. Sorry, kiddo, them's the breaks. I couldn't have girls in my room with the door shut, so you don't get to have boys.
4. You and I are going to revisit that talk we had about safe sex. I know it's going to be awkward for both of us, but it is important. I need to do some research first, so let's give it a few weeks. If you have questions or concerns before then, let me know.
That's enough for now. Feel free to view this letter as a contract. If I ever fail to meet any of the commitments made herein, pull it out and hold me to account. I'll end with this: You are not broken. You are whole, and beautiful. You are capable and compassionate. You and your sister are the best things I have ever done with my life, and I couldn't be prouder of the people you've become.
Love,
Dad
P.S. Thanks to a few key Supreme Court decisions and the Marriage Equality Act of 2020, you're legally able to get married. When I was your age that was just an idea. Pretty cool, huh?
tmontyb- …is Authorized.
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CeCe wrote: What's being pointed out is that it's the behavior of people like Cathy & other people like him such as Bryan Fisher, Brian Brown, Maggie Gallagher, Peter LaBarbera & the rest of the AFA & NOM type loons can't be ignored.
Behavior ignored very easily becomes behavior accepted. It's fine to have an "opinion" until that opinion steps into the territory of another person's rights. "Life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness" didn't just apply to certain people.
And these people ARE zealots.
No one HAS to "accept" homosexuality just as no one has to accept the religious bullshit that gets slung around. But NO ONE has the right to interfere in the private lives of people to live their lives in peace.
I highlighted my favorite points. Speak that truth dammit!
RedBedroom- …is a Chamber DEITY.
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Shale wrote:
This is letter appeared in the Huffpost. The reporter was so upset after reading it, he wondered what his letter would say if he found out his son was gay…this how love sounds.
Dear hypothetically gay son,
You're gay. Obviously you already know that, because you told us at the dinner table last night. I apologize for the awkward silence afterwards, but I was chewing. It was like when we're at a restaurant and the waiter comes up mid-bite and asks how the meal is, only in this metaphor you are the waiter, and instead of asking me about my meal, you said you were gay. I don't know why I needed to explain that. I think I needed to find a funny way to repeat the fact that you're gay... because that is what it sounds like in my head right now: "My son is gay. My son is gay. My son is gay. “Let me be perfectly clear: I love you. I will always love you. Since being gay is part of who you are, I love that you're gay. I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea. If you sensed any sadness in my silence last night, it was because I was surprised that I was surprised. Ideally, I would have already known. Since you were an embryo, my intent has always been to really know you for who you are and not who I expect you to be. And yet, I was taken by surprise at last night's dinner. Have I said "surprise" enough in this paragraph? One more time: Surprise!
OK. Let's get a few things straight about how things are going to be.
1. Our home is a place of safety and love. The world has dealt you a difficult card. While LGBT people are becoming more accepted, it is still a difficult path to walk. You're going to experience hate and anger and misunderstandings about who you are out in the world. That will not happen here. You need to know with every fibre of who you are that when you walk in the front door of your home, you are safe, and you are loved. Your mother is in complete agreement with me on this.
2. I am still, as always, your biggest defender. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're any less capable of taking care of and defending yourself. That said, if you need me to stand next to you or in front of you, write letters, sign petitions, advocate, or anything else, I am here. I would go to war for you.
3. If you're going to have boys over, you now need to leave your be
droom door open. Sorry, kiddo, them's the breaks. I couldn't have girls in my room with the door shut, so you don't get to have boys.
4. You and I are going to revisit that talk we had about safe sex. I know it's going to be awkward for both of us, but it is important. I need to do some research first, so let's give it a few weeks. If you have questions or concerns before then, let me know.
That's enough for now. Feel free to view this letter as a contract. If I ever fail to meet any of the commitments made herein, pull it out and hold me to account. I'll end with this: You are not broken. You are whole, and beautiful. You are capable and compassionate. You and your sister are the best things I have ever done with my life, and I couldn't be prouder of the people you've become.
Love,
Dad
P.S. Thanks to a few key Supreme Court decisions and the Marriage Equality Act of 2020, you're legally able to get married. When I was your age that was just an idea. Pretty cool, huh?
Man, that composition is totally kick ass.
Minerva- …is Significant.
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Shale wrote:^ What CeCe Said!
For me, I once got a similar response from my mother when she sent back a pic of Brenda in a letter that started "what makes you think I want a picture of your black woman?" In that letter she ran down all my other transgressions to her values, including my homosexuality (she once met Jim but accepted that he was my 'roommate.' Apparently she knew he was more than that but just denied it at the time).
I sent a letter back that I disowned her and we did not communicate for a couple of years. She finally came around and Brenda and I visited her in Missouri. But, ppl have to live their lives by their values not someone else's so if you father or mother can't accept you for whatever, then to hell with them and move on with your life.
Wow, Shale, you are truly a man for all seasons. It could not have been easy but you were right to live your life as it was right for you despite your mother's wishes. if you try to live a life someone else plots out for you, be it your parents, a spouse or Society you will never be able to be true to yourself.
I felt just a tiny bit of that choosing to be a childfree women in my generation. Lots of scorn, shunning, disowning and divorce (husband bowed under pressure,I didn't). But at the end of the day, the only person you see in the bathroom mirror is yourself.
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