Daily Humorscopes

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Beware of iguanas, today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming".

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You need to stop leaving things to chance. Specifically, when dating, consider what your date does and doesn't like. In my case, whenever my wife orders a sandwich, I get her dill pickle. If you play your cards right, you may do even better!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It will irritate you that nobody you meet any more has a "normal" name. Everyone is a "Darius", or a "Baxter", or a "Kyle". Just to be ornery, you will change your name to "Xnarp".

LOL! I'm never sure what my true zodiac is, because it's supposed to be the constellation you were born under and I was born under Capricorn but am Leo by dates. The starts shifted enough in the time since the Zodiac was set out that things have change. learned that in my 1st year astronomy class when our prof challenged us to find out true zodiac.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?

Um :?:

LOL, at the Gemini "stay home" part. I chose that tonight instead of tail gating for the game.

Aries
21 March - 19 April
Hobbies may have to take a back seat this week as your spleen dissolved into your gastric juices. Nutrition will play a major part of your life for the next week. Your ability to speak may be impaired today as you attempt to swallow half of a live hedgehog.

Taurus
20 April - 20 May
Any joke you have to seriously think about today is not worth 'getting'. Next time you walk past a 'Hogs Head' pub, go inside and order a drink. Great things will happen there. (This horoscope is not affiliate with any 'Hogs Head' drinking establishment.)

Gemini
21 May - 21 June
You will be glad of a loved one's ability to almost painlessly remove splinters from your backside. Any beer consumed tonight may come back to haunt you, possibly in the form of a dead comedian or Max Bygraves. If you don't wear glasses now, the chances are that you're going to need to after an upcoming sports accident.

Cancer
22 June - 22 July
"I breed germs" is not a good way to answer the company telephone. Even if your company is called "I Breed Germs". Think of a number. Now times that number by eighteen. I can confidently predict that your number does not rhyme with "Golfing Umbrella".

Cancer
22 June - 22 July
"I breed germs" is not a good way to answer the company telephone. Even if your company is called "I Breed Germs". Think of a number. Now times that number by eighteen. I can confidently predict that your number does not rhyme with "Golfing Umbrella".

Leo
23 July - 22 August
Repetition may annoy you today as someone close by tells you the same damned story over and over again. Dance like a madman, win the respect of colleagues and foes. Unruly behaviour by your closest friends can be solved using cake-forks.

Virgo
23 August - 22 September
Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. When faced with life's problems you generally prefer to stride in with both boots kicking. However, if today's "life's problem" is that you stepped in lots of dog shit, please try not to kick so wildly. Although 9/11 still makes you feel like shit, stop moaning on about it.

Libra
23 September - 23 October
If you pick yourself up by your shoe-strings you are likely to fall flat on your arse. Be cuddly today and possibly as fluffy as possible. ODBC Error - 1305 | Horoscope cannot be created for someone as stupid as you. <>

Scorpio
24 October - 21 November
Scraping the bottom of the barrel is always a sad affair, especially if it's the biscuit barrel. If you are at all paranoid about webcams being placed around your room, your best bet is to hire a small specially trained monkey from your local gadget shop. They're small, cuddly and leave only the most minute traces of their own faeces spread in the corners. Some of them make good pets but will swipe your eyes out without a moment's hesitation if you attempt to clean the faeces. In horoscope news, today might not be the best day to hire a spycam finding monkey. The hospital may become a familiar place over the coming two weeks, although for what reason the mystics are surprisingly opaque.

Sagittarius
22 November - 21 December
An application to receive an award from a website may go very successfully today. Your future may be tainted by a mistake in your past. Now is the time for a new resolution.

Capricorn
22 December - 19 January
"Have a good day!" is not something you'll want to hear from anyone as you suffer from a bottom related illness. When we tell you that it's 'cryptic', we basically mean that we made it up.

Aquarius
20 January - 18 February
Plants may be out to get you today, so look to buying some kind of weed-killer. Avoid spraying week-killer into loved ones' eyes. The way that aliens think is none of your business.

Pisces
19 February - 20 March
The morning will be full of fun and sunshine. Business clothes are not suitable for the swimming baths. Please take your extraordinary ideas about personal freedom elsewhere. Looking for a saviour is a commendable past-time. However, ignoring your personal hygiene is a forfeit that you really shouldn't have made.

I think I'll go with Leo today, not cancer, as I can see the stories being repeated multiple times due to work. I'm helping run a camp and we have a child with autism who has a fascination with cars, so I'm sure I'll hear many repetitions of the same story, though it's been that way all week.

Virgo
23 August - 22 September
Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. When faced with life's problems you generally prefer to stride in with both boots kicking. However, if today's "life's problem" is that you stepped in lots of dog shit, please try not to kick so wildly. Although 9/11 still makes you feel like shit, stop moaning on about it.

Nope.

Chris wrote:

Humorscopes
Thursday, August 26, 2010

Cancer
22 June - 22 July
"I breed germs" is not a good way to answer the company telephone. Even if your company is called "I Breed Germs". Think of a number. Now times that number by eighteen. I can confidently predict that your number does not rhyme with "Golfing Umbrella".

Aries
21 March - 19 April
Everything you feel about yourself will be confirmed today as you're
put through the mill and emerge victorious. Cartoon fun can be yours if
you pick up the right set of pencils and think really hard about
drawing.

Taurus
20 April - 20 May
You are important, at least as important as the discovery of the dock
leaf when you were stung by a nettle as a child. Halitosis can be very
painful, especially if the person with bad breath is trying to spell
the word "halitosis" in a confined space. Monkeys may go nuts for
bananas, but Nutters don't give a monkeys about going bananas. This may
be important for you to remember.

Gemini
21 May - 21 June
Ensure your blood stays within your system today by not venturing
further than your refridgerator. Other people are not as crazy as you
make them out to be. The day's events will make you want to move
abroad.

Cancer
22 June - 22 July
Most of what you do may be questioned this week - however, you will fly
through those questions with ease and be praised for your general
application. Death can stalk you in all forms, even cute little pussy
cats and slugs. Beware of all cats who have slugs attached to their
backs. Take care when opening up an email from a friend today as you
may not enjoy the electronic content inside.

Leo
23 July - 22 August
Screaming loudly only serves to wake the neighbours. They'll only
investigate once they're sure you're dead and the murderer has left the
crime scene. Post-it note your entire life and you can become some kind
of local hero. You're almost certainly to star on the local news.

Virgo
23 August - 22 September
Crossing your arms, legs and fingers is fine. Stripes are not really a
color, but people will like the way you confuse it as such.

Libra
23 September - 23 October
Terrible envy can be yours all for the price of walking into a very
expensive car showroom. Use that negative energy to summon up dark
spirits. Oil and water are to you what Fish and Gin are to a drunken
fisherman.

Scorpio
24 October - 21 November
Christmas may seem like it's just around the corner, but really that's
just nonsense. Paper can cut, and words can hurt. Which is why you
should burn any mail that comes through the letterbox - preferably
whilst still in the postman/woman's hands.

Sagittarius
22 November - 21 December
Round things may become useful to you today. Life's problems, however,
cannot all be solved by round things. Back in school when people would
bully you about your hair and possibly jacket, you swore you would have
your vengeance. Make today that day. Although danger is never far away,
you may have an exhilirating time in the coming days.

Capricorn
22 December - 19 January
Half of what you think you're good at is actually a complete fluke.
This week may see the end of your futile efforts to get good at
something. The number you are thinking of is an odd number below 50.

Aquarius
20 January - 18 February
The incredible temperature will affect today in ways that I simply
cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that
requires the movement of clothing, either on or off - the difficulty is
that the fog of mystery surrounds you. I guess what I'm saying is that
it will be hot or cold. Or possibly somewhere in between. You are ready
for a fall this week after some good luck in the recent past.

Pisces
19 February - 20 March
Remember to chew before you swallow. Your lucky horse for today is:
Sombrero's Lid. Nobody can stop you as you make that important break
through this week.