Quote :

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear. "You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the s.o.b. that stole my diary..."

How is a thong like barbed-wire fence?
It protect the property without obstructing the view.

A precious little girl walked into a pet shop and asked with a lisp, “Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
The Shopkeeper’s heart melted, and he knelt down beside her and asked, “Do you want a widdle white Wabbit or thoft bwack one?”
The little girl replied, “I don’t ’think my python gives a thit.”

Chris wrote:

I betcha it was you!

An old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical, and his wife tagged along. The doctor entered the examination room and told the man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”
The old man, being hard to hearing, looked at his wife and yelled, “What did he say?” His wife yelled back, “He needs your underwear.”

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Choked.

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing that on your face, mommy?” he asked.
"To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.
A few minutes later she began removing the cream with tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked the little boy. “Giving up?”

What was George W. Bush’s position on Roe v. Wade?
He didn’t care how people got out of New Orleans.

What did the sign outside a whorehouse say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

An American business man was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it when she cried out, “fujifoo,fujifoo,” which guy took to be an exclamation of pleasure. The next day he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and got a hole in one. Wanting to impress them , he yelled, “fujifoo.”
The Japanese businessmen looked confused and said, “No, you got the right hole.”

A blond went to see a doctor and complained, “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.”
The physician scratched his head, “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” she said, “just spots.”

What does it mean when a redneck has a beer dripping from both corners of his mouth?
The trailer is level

A surly man walked into a bar, ordered a beer,chugged it, gestured to the right side of the room and bellowed,
“All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!”
The entire bar fell silent. After a moment the man said, “Anyone here got a problem with what I said?”
Everyone remained quiet, so the man ordered another beer, took a swig, gestured to his left and added, “And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!”
Once again the bar fell silent. The man looked around and roared, “Anyone got a problem with that?”
A lone man got up from his stool unsteadily and started to walk toward the man.
The belligerent man looked him in the eye and said, “You got a problem, buddy?”
“Oh no,” the man replied. “I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

Around dusk a patrolman started making his evening rounds and discovered two elderly ladies sitting in a vehicle in the lot of a used-car dealership. He stopped and asked what they were doing.
“You ladies aren’t trying to steal this car, are you?” the officer asked.
“Heavens no,” one of the women answered.
“We bought it.”
“Then why don’t you drive it home?” the officer said.
“Neither one of us can drive,” the other woman replied.
“Then why on earth did you buy a car?” the officer asked.
“Well,” the first woman replied, “we were told we would get screwed if we bought a used car, so now we’re just waiting.”

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. He steps up to the bar and the bartender says “Excuse me, but you seem to have a steering wheel in the front of your pants.”

The pirate replies “Arrrrrr – it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend...yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard." (Do you get that a lot, Cheaps? )

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with a view?"

Quote :

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

Shale has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."



I particularly liked this one.

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

A woman who is 3months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever
get to feeling horny?"

"Yes," her friend replied.

"What do you do about it?"

"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."

After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go
to?"

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love.
The girl wants it again, and the guy obliges her. She wants more, and they do
it again. She still wants more, so the guy says, "Excuse me a minute. I have
to go relieve myself."

While out of the car, he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He
asks the guy, "Look, I've got this gal in my car, and I've given it to her
four or five times already, and she still wants more. I'll change your flat
if you'll take over for me."

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the
window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you two doing in
there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you
shined the light on her."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap. The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.''