50 things every guy should know how to do

Chris wrote:
We understand that not every guy out there can be a jack of all
trades. But at the very least, if you can master these 50 things,
you’ll be able to hold your head high at the end of the day.

50 Change a tire

Nothing is more unmanly than having to call AAA or one of your
buddies to change your tire. Assuming you have all the right tools and
a semi-functional brain, the job should take no more than 10 minutes.
Just a friendly reminder though, be sure to cover up the plumbers butt
for all the bystanders.

49 Use a charcoal grill

Any idiot can turn on a knob on a propane tank and adjust the heat
on a gas grill. But there are many times, especially in the great
outdoors, when you aren’t afforded that luxury. Charcoal grilling has
become a lost art and frankly, as a fat man myself, I find the food
tastes much better. It takes some patience to wait for the coals to
turn gray, but the reward more often times than not, is a perfectly
cooked piece of meat.

48 Bong a beer

We’re certainly not asking that you relive your college days or go Old School
on the masses. Nevertheless, at a tailgate with your buddies, when that
beer bong makes an appearance, go Frank the Tank on it. “It just tastes
so good when it hits your lips”.

47 Throw a punch without looking like a sissy

Inevitably, at least once in your life, you’ll find yourself in a
situation where the fists of fury are required. There’s no need to
panic, especially if you haven’t been in a fight before. The absolute
worst thing you can do is open up your hand and bitch-slap someone or
throw a wild haymaker like a girl. Compose yourself, rotate your fist
and drive with your hips. A word to the wise, a straight punch to
someone’s nose can get you out of a hairy situation pretty quickly.

46 Fry a turkey

With Thanksgiving on the horizon, there may be no better time to
learn how to deep-fry a bird. A tip of the cap to the fine people south
of the Mason-Dixon line for making this a popular trend. So grab some
peanut oil and watch that bird turn a deep golden brown. You won’t
regret it and trust me, it tastes a lot better than that roasted turkey
your mom has been making since the 70′s.

45 Hook up the cable

Every guy should learn this, if only to avoid the day long wait for
the ever-tardy cable man. In essence, it’s as simple a task as you’ll
find on this list. A plug here and there, sticking it in the right
hole, turning the right knob. Think of it like sex–put the required
parts in, get out as fast as possible, and badabing badaboom, you’re
watching TV five minutes later.

44 Pick-up a woman with a one-liner

“Is that a keg in your pants…because I’d like to tap that”.
Regretfully, that line has not worked for me nor any other man since
the Cro-Magnon days. But a first impression is indeed important when it
comes to picking up women. A cheesy line gets you a drink in your face,
a smooth one gets you in her pants. Your move Casanova.

43 Get your money’s worth at a buffet

Like any good strategist, a mapped-out plan of action is needed when
you enter the wonderful world of a buffet. Skip the greens and fruits,
that is, unless you actually care about living past 50. Go for the
jugular right away–the carving station, the chicken wings and every
other beast that was slaughtered for this fine spread. A good rule of
thumb is to hold off on the heavy carbs until you’ve gotten your fill.
Then feel free to enjoy some mash potatoes and mac & cheese. Make
sure to leave some special time with the commode nine hours after you
finish.

42 Some assembly required

Those three words scare the living bejesus out of 90% of men out
there. Do not fear, you don’t need to be Bob Vila to follow simple
instructions. The biggest problem for guys seems to be skipping steps
and getting ahead of themselves. Don’t be that a-hole. If all else
fails, the internet is your friend. Yes, it’s not just there for your
daily porn intake.

41 Know your local professional sports teams

You don’t have to paint your face, you don’t have to regurgitate
stats, hell, you don’t even have to sport the team colors. But dammit,
on command, you better know all the sports teams in your city. Lest you
utter the “Boston Yankees” in a bar and get your ass beat by a bunch of
Southies.

40 Pour a beer

Perhaps nothing is more annoying than waiting for a frosty one at a
bar and having one delivered full of foam. This isn’t rocket science
people and you certainly don’t have to be Tom Cruise in Cocktail
to figure it out. Tip the glass slightly as you pour that brewed
delight. And yes, this is the only time in your life where it’s
acceptable to give head.

39 Jump-start a car

Every guy has a friend whose car is in shambles–stalls at red
lights, a bad transmission, and of course, a crappy battery. Don’t be
the person standing around when the jumper cables come out, lend a
helping hand–positive to positive (red to red) and make sure to ground
that sucker. Otherwise, you’ll have a catastrophe on your hands.

38 Throw a football

Indeed, you’re no Peyton Manning, perhaps you’re not even as good as
the local HS quarterback. Throwing a spiral, however, is as easy as
anything in sports. Even if you have small hands and can’t grab the
ball on the grip (that’s what she said), it’s still pretty simple.


37 Haggle for a lower price

“Never accept the first price” is something that’s hammered home to
every young man by their father. This doesn’t necessarily mean you
pretend you’re an Arab merchant and haggle at the local grocery store.
But anything north of $100 bucks, in my opinion, is fair game.


36 Tie a tie

Regardless of whether your job entails dressing in a three piece
suit, you will have to, at least a few times a year, be forced to wear
a tie for a wedding or funeral. We assume you’re not wearing the
clip-on variety so you’ll have to do the Windsor knot. It’s not as hard
as it looks and again, the internet, especially YouTube, is your friend.

35 Erect a tent

The first time you erect a tent, naturally, it’s going to be
confusing. You may even get frustrated to the point where you’ll never
camp again. Take a deep breath, find some level ground and pound those
stakes down. Work your way from there and you’ll find things a bit
easier.

34 Cast a fishing rod

As a kid, it was acceptable to drop your tiny fishing rod off the
dock and say “Here…fishy, fishy, fishy”. But as you get older, you’re
actually going to have to cast slightly further than two feet beyond
the pier. That is, unless you want to watch catch Sunfish and Bluegill
your whole life.

33 Build a fire

One of the most satisfying parts in the movie Castaway was
Tom Hanks ability to start a fire with two sticks. It’s an amazing feat
and one that I’m sure all men would love to add to their repertoire.
Nonetheless, in general, the need to build one without the aid of a
match or lighter probably won’t arise. But building the fire itself,
yea, that’s something you should eventually learn, lest you look like a
foolish outdoorsman.

32 Tap and operate a Keg

We hit on this earlier, but a beer full of foam is worthless. If
you, by chance, find yourself in charge of keg operation, it’s not
necessary to wildly pump every five seconds. Let the beer settle, stop
jostling the keg around and have some patience. That frothy goodness
will be yours in no time.

31 Use a chainsaw

While working manual labor one summer, I pretended I knew how a
chainsaw worked. Easily one of the biggest mistakes of my life. There’s
this thing called a “chainsaw kickback”–it’s when the chain catches on
something as it rotates and it kicks the guide bar back and up towards
you. Well, I wasn’t aware of that nugget of information and almost lost
an eye. Thankfully, I was still a young strapping lad and had cat-like
reflexes.

30 Paddle a canoe/kayak

You’d be amazed at how many people can’t perform something as simple
as sticking an oar into the water. Listen very carefully, because I’m
only going to pass on my wisdom only once. If you want to turn right,
stick your paddle on the left side of the boat, if you want to turn
left, stick your paddle on the right side. That’s some aquatic
knowledge right there.

29 Choose a scotch/whiskey

Age, region and blend are the three most important factors in
choosing a quality scotch. In general, if it is not at least ten years
old, it’s not worth your time. A single malt is certainly preferred,
but you’ll have to dish out a few extra bucks for it. And yea, if you
get a chance, try one from the Islay island region. The taste is a bit
smokier than others but the strong flavor is worth it.

28 Drive a manual car

Admittedly, I suck at this. The first car I ever drove at fourteen
years of age was a stick and I nearly crashed into a church. It scarred
me for years. Despite that, I can operate a manual at the most basic
level. Sure, I probably couldn’t go more than a few minutes without
stalling like an idiot but in a bind, yea I can pull it off.

27 Pick-up a girl using your dog as a wingman

You’ve no doubt heard that a dog is a man’s best friend, and like
any friend, a dog should be willing to be your wingman when needed. So
if the chance arises where a woman is nearby, give your cuddly buddy
some tender love and care. A scratch behind the ear and some rubbing of
the tummy will score you some brownie points with the ladies.

26 Know how to navigate a road trip

We’ve become spoiled brats with our GPS, Google Maps and Mapquests.
It’s essentially America’s lazy way of traveling. Ask somebody how to
get to a store five miles away and they’ll plug it into their phone. No
really, I’ve seen it happen and it’s embarrassing. Just wait for the
day when you’re on a road trip and the damn satellite goes out. Watch
how dumb you’ll look when you can’t read a simple road map.

25 Perform CPR

Not to be a Debbie Downer here but this is a stone-cold fact. If
you’re not in the medical field and your performing CPR, you’re more
than likely doing it on a friend or family member. Not a random
stranger on the street, but somebody you love and care about. Do
yourself a favor and spend five minutes a year reviewing this. In the
end, it may very well save a person’s life.

24 Iron a shirt

You can’t always expect your wife or girlfriend to be around. Same
goes for the local dry cleaners. If you spend any time traveling
whatsoever, you’ll know that a shirt will get wrinkled in your luggage.
Instead of looking like a slob, grab the hotel ironing board and start
moving and grooving. Toss a little starch on those collars too.

23 Shine your shoes

You’re supposed to look your best from your head all the way down to
your toe. So while most men may actually think your hair says a lot
about you, a scuffed-up dull shoe has the same effect.
22 Do at least ten push-ups on command

Ten seems to be a good round number here. If you’re not able to
perform at least ten reasonably solid push-ups, we suggest holding off
on the McDonald’s value meals for awhile. Oh yea, keep that butt down
too, none of those sissy push-ups.

21 Dance

We’re not asking that you pull out your best Fred Astaire
impersonation. We simply ask that you function on the dance floor like
a normal human being. Ditch the robot, the sprinkler and every other
asinine dance move you learned in the 80s. Keep it simple stupid–some
basic movies to the left and to the right and a dip here and there for
the ladies. That’s it.

20 Play poker

No, I don’t mean online poker–there is literally no skill involved
as you furiously click a mouse several thousand times an hour. I’m
talking about staring someone in the face, knowing their bluff, and
pushing all your chips in the middle of the table. You don’t have to be
a pro to win a big hand, you just have to play your cards and the man,
correctly.

19 Parallel park

Those who live in the country will rarely have to face this task.
However, if you live in an urban setting, parallel parking is a must.
Generally, it’s a matter of time and patience, something most men seem
to lack behind the wheel. Fellas, you don’t need to do it on the first
time, if it takes you two or three runs at it, no biggie. Just get the
job done.

18 Unclog a toilet

While most toilet problems can simply be fixed with a plunger, there
are times when you’re going to have to get down and dirty. Grab a snake
and dig in because, for some reason, your wife thought it was a
fantastic idea to shove a whole period’s worth of tampons down the
commode.

17 Upgrade at a hotel

In the service industry, a “Benjamin” can go a long way. This
applies, not only at the local strip club, but when you’re trying to
get an upgrade at a hotel. Being casual about it is your best bet. As
you slip them a credit card, stick the bill underneath and give the
receptionist (hopefully a nice young lady) your best smile. You’d be
surprised how often this works.

16 Rally after a big night of drinking

Everybody seems to have their own hangover remedy–a cup of coffee, a
Gatorade with two Advil, perhaps some Chaser. I won’t sit and preach to
you because, simply put, everybody’s body reacts to booze in different
ways. What I can tell you is this…man up. If you need some caffeine,
brew a whole damn pot. If you need to hydrate, hook an IV into your
arm. Just get through the first few hours and worry about that raging
headache later on.

15 Spot fake breasts

You’ll have to trust your eyesight on this one because it’s rare
that you’ll be able to grab and feel for yourself. Personally, my rule
of thumb has always been what I call “the jiggle factor”. If a woman
can jump around or even walk without those things bouncing up and down,
chances are, you got some silicone in your sights. Breasts are fatty
tissue after all, and if fat aint jiggling, it aint real.

14 Choose the right urinal

There are unwritten rules for male public bathroom usage. No
peeking, no excessive talking and by God, choose the right freakin
urinal. If you’re the first one in, you DO NOT choose the unmanned one
in the middle. The farthest one away from the door is your only choice.
After that, it’s like a trip to the movies. Try to leave as many spots
open between you and the next person.

13 Sew a button

Unless you’re some physical freak that regularly keeps themselves in
shape, you’re going to gain weight as you get older. Gaining weight
evidently leads to stretching out a shirt and snapping a button off. A
simple thread and a needle is all you need. Remember, it doesn’t have
to look pretty, it just has to work in a bind.

12 Unhook a bra with one hand

This is a daunting task if you’re a bit clumsy or lack any dexterity
in your appendages. If needs be, practicing on a dummy or mannequin
isn’t the craziest idea, although, it’s highly embarrassing. Our tip
for you is pretty straightforward–reach back there and use two fingers.
Actually wait, nevermind. That’s for something else entirely.

11 Open a bottle unconventionally

Not everyone carries around one of those fancy bottle openers on
their keychains. One day, you’ll need to use a lighter or a hard
surface to pop that baby open. Whatever you do, avoid the drunken rage
of trying to pry it open with your teeth. Otherwise, you’ll find
yourself at the dentist in the not-so-distant future.

10 Talk your way out of a traffic ticket

George Washington once stood underneath the cherry tree and uttered,
“I cannot tell a lie”. Well, luckily for good ol Georgie, he never had
to to talk himself out of a traffic ticket before. Beg, borrow, cheat,
re-enact an event–anything it takes to avoid a $200 fine and taking it
up the rear from your insurance company.

9 Off-road without flipping the ATV

First off, wear a helmet. You can only control an ATV so much as a
beginner and you’re better off not becoming a vegetable. The most
common mistake people make is taking a hill diagonally as opposed to
head on. That’s the easiest way to lose control and inevitably, flip
your vehicle.

8 Buy a gift for a woman

Those crotchless panties might seem like a great idea at the local
porn shop, but if you ever plan to get laid again, you might have to be
a little more thoughtful. Here’s an idea gentlemen, listen to what she
has to say. It’s a novel concept, I know. Most women are willing to
tip-off their likes and dislikes in normal conversation. If you’re
willing to stay attentive for a few minutes, it hopefully will pay off
sometime down the road.

7 Surf the web anonymously

We’re certainly not advocating you become a subscriber to every porn
site imaginable, but there will come a time when you’ll want to peruse
a few sites without someone else knowing. A few things you need to
know: One, learn about proxies and two, clear out your cookies, cache
and delete your history every time you use the web. That may very well
tip off people to what you’re doing, but hey, at least they won’t know
you enjoy Japanese anime porn.

6 Spot a liar

Unfortunately, the one person you’ll really need this type of wisdom
for is your significant other. Yes, if your wife or girlfriend
continually comes up with cockamamie stories of where she’s been or if
she’s conveniently spending the night at her friends house, you have a
serious problem. Confront her and ask direct questions. If she can’t
look you in the eye or tries to change the subject constantly, well
then, my deepest apologies fellas, you probably have a cheater on your
hands.
5 Drive in crappy conditions

Be it rain, snow, sleet, hail, or even just muddy conditions, as a
man, you have to be able to handle the elements. So adjust your driving
accordingly. The absolute dumbest thing you can do is to try and be a
hero. Your ultimate task is to get from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ without
killing yourself. If that means driving 30mph, so be it.

4 Change a diaper

You may not have kids of your own, but inevitably, one of your
buddies or siblings will impregnate a woman. Don’t think you’re in the
clear here, because at the very least, you’ll be forced to babysit
once. Stock up on the Huggies, the wipes, the powders and hope to God
that kid isn’t lactose intolerant.

3 Make a drink

A few shoots of smooth liquor, a splash of juice and a lime wedge is
all it takes for a solid drink. Nothing fancy, pretty straightforward
and to the point. Once you start tossing around bottles and mixing
stuff you have no idea about, yea, that’s when you’re asking for
trouble.

2 Shave

Unless you plan on sporting the Grizzly Adams look for the rest of
your entire life, you’ll need to put a razor to your face every once in
awhile. Remember, up and down, with and against the grain, but never,
EVER sideways.

1 Make a mean breakfast

Every man needs to learn how to make breakfast for one very reason.
If you want that chick you hooked up with the night before to come
back, you need to either a) be stellar in the sack or b) cook the most
incredible breakfast ever. We’ll guess you’re no Peter North, so, throw
on an apron and fry up some bacon and eggs buddy.