Are there any circumstances under which you would not want to know...

...if your spouse or partner were having an affair?

I was thinking about it when I was reading through Chris's affair topic.


I know people who have gotten divorced because of affairs, stayed married and moved on after affairs, stayed married and gotten bitter because of affairs, people who threatened to kill people over affairs...

Sometimes I wonder if they wouldn't have been better off just never finding out about it, even though "honesty is the best policy".


So I have decided that under these circumstances, I would not want to know:
My husband was intoxicated when it happened
My husband used a condom
My husband will never see the person again
My husband will never ever do this again
My husband will have the mental stamina and ability to lock this away deep inside of himself and build a wall around it so he almost forgets that it happened and he doesn't let the fact that it happened affect our relationship.


LOL, so in the real world, there are probably no circumstances where I would not want to know.

I don't care what his excuse is, if it happened, I want to know so I can get rid of his sorry ass.

Supernova wrote:I don't care what his excuse is, if it happened, I want to know so I can get rid of his sorry ass.

lol, I used to feel that way too, but after 5 kids and 12 years, I think I'd be a little more forgiving, if he was repentant. We've just built too much together over the years to throw it all away over a stupid mistake. It would definitely need to be something that he saw as a mistake and it wouldn't be just be business as usual for me though.

Since my wife isn't in a coma if she did have an affair, I don't think I would want to know if it was just a one time stupid thing she did and she felt totally miserable about it. If it wasn't going to happen again I think I could live without knowing because I don't want to have to find out if I could live with knowing.

alan smithee wrote:Since my wife isn't in a coma if she did have an affair, I don't think I would want to know if it was just a one time stupid thing she did and she felt totally miserable about it. If it wasn't going to happen again I think I could live without knowing because I don't want to have to find out if I could live with knowing.

that's how I think I am and then I have all these doubts and have to add those caveats.

I think I agree with your conditions, TPP, for not knowing under those conditions.

One thing I do know for sure is that I don't want to know about friends' affairs.

RedBedroom wrote:I think I agree with your conditions, TPP, for not knowing under those conditions.

One thing I do know for sure is that I don't want to know about friends' affairs.

OMG, knowing about those makes me so uncomfortable!

Isn't it the worst? Then when they stay together...

My absolute worst with this is that a guy whose son does my son's sport told me that he had a three year long affair with somebody I was friends with in high school. I went to h.s. three hrs. North of this city, and this guy lives three hrs. South of me! She lived by him and he discovered I knew her via Facebook. So, he told me all about it over two years ago. Last season, I got to know his wife a lot better, and it really, really sucks.

thepossiblepolice wrote:...if your spouse or partner were having an affair?

I was thinking about it when I was reading through Chris's affair topic.


I know people who have gotten divorced because of affairs, stayed married and moved on after affairs, stayed married and gotten bitter because of affairs, people who threatened to kill people over affairs...

Sometimes I wonder if they wouldn't have been better off just never finding out about it, even though "honesty is the best policy".


So I have decided that under these circumstances, I would not want to know:
My husband was intoxicated when it happened
My husband used a condom
My husband will never see the person again
My husband will never ever do this again
My husband will have the mental stamina and ability to lock this away deep inside of himself and build a wall around it so he almost forgets that it happened and he doesn't let the fact that it happened affect our relationship.


LOL, so in the real world, there are probably no circumstances where I would not want to know.

Without actually offering my opinion on this topic, I have to say that you are definetely (probably) one of the more "intellegent" people I've come accross on these boards. Just thought'd I'd throw that out there.

captainbryce wrote:

thepossiblepolice wrote:...if your spouse or partner were having an affair?

I was thinking about it when I was reading through Chris's affair topic.


I know people who have gotten divorced because of affairs, stayed married and moved on after affairs, stayed married and gotten bitter because of affairs, people who threatened to kill people over affairs...

Sometimes I wonder if they wouldn't have been better off just never finding out about it, even though "honesty is the best policy".


So I have decided that under these circumstances, I would not want to know:
My husband was intoxicated when it happened
My husband used a condom
My husband will never see the person again
My husband will never ever do this again
My husband will have the mental stamina and ability to lock this away deep inside of himself and build a wall around it so he almost forgets that it happened and he doesn't let the fact that it happened affect our relationship.


LOL, so in the real world, there are probably no circumstances where I would not want to know.

Without actually offering my opinion on this topic, I have to say that you are definetely (probably) one of the more "intellegent" people I've come accross on these boards. Just thought'd I'd throw that out there.

Thanks, that's really nice of you to say!

I don't know....I guess on the one hand I wouldn't wanna know....but on the other, I don't like the idea of being played for a fool. You had sex with somebody else and then came back and smiled in my face like all you did today was go to the store. The more I think about it, nah....you need to fess up and tell me so I can decide how I feel about it. Maybe I'll leave but maybe I won't.

RedBedroom wrote:Isn't it the worst? Then when they stay together...

My absolute worst with this is that a guy whose son does my son's sport told me that he had a three year long affair with somebody I was friends with in high school. I went to h.s. three hrs. North of this city, and this guy lives three hrs. South of me! She lived by him and he discovered I knew her via Facebook. So, he told me all about it over two years ago. Last season, I got to know his wife a lot better, and it really, really sucks.

My worst thing like that was when my husband and I first got married. He had these friends since high school, two other couples, and one day one of the couples told us that the other couple had done a "swap" with them, then swore me to secrecy that they had told me. I was TOTALLY shocked. I really didn't believe that people did that in real life back then! One day the woman from the couple that didn't know that I knew was lecturing me about fidelity and how much my husband meant to her and how he's an awesome person and she said that she would find me and kill me if I ever cheated on him (which sounds crazy now that I think about it...). I SO wanted to be like "I know that you had sex with _______" lol.

thepossiblepolice wrote:...(snip)
LOL, so in the real world, there are probably no circumstances where I would not want to know.

captainbryce wrote:Without actually offering my opinion on this topic, I have to say that you are definetely (probably) one of the more "intellegent" people I've come accross on these boards. Just thought'd I'd throw that out there.

Oh, pat yourself on the back there too while you're at it CB.

My worst thing like that was when my husband and I first got married. He had these friends since high school, two other couples, and one day one of the couples told us that the other couple had done a "swap" with them, then swore me to secrecy that they had told me. I was TOTALLY shocked. I really didn't believe that people did that in real life back then! One day the woman from the couple that didn't know that I knew was lecturing me about fidelity and how much my husband meant to her and how he's an awesome person and she said that she would find me and kill me if I ever cheated on him (which sounds crazy now that I think about it...). I SO wanted to be like "I know that you had sex with _______" lol.

OMG, that reminds me of years ago when I worked at the dental office. The hygienist's husband was high up in a huge trucking company here. As it turned out, a girl that was a friend of mine worked there too, and was a "third" in the bed of the hygienist and her husband. My friend was just a going out friend, and so all we ever did together was go out, dance...that kind of thing. I was pretty blown away that she was into that kind of thing, and doing it with a superior of hers at work!

No. There are no circumstances under which I wouldn't want to know that my partner has cheated. Although I am not a fan of cheaters, it's true that everyone makes mistakes and has moments of weakness/indiscretion. If you're truly sorry and want to move on from the incident, then own up to it so that we can work it out. If someone cheats, and keeps it to themselves, I can't help but suspect that the likelihood of them possibly doing it again is greater, simply because they got away with it before and we never held accountable.

It'd probably have to mean somebody close to me would be literally killed before I'd waive my right to know about it.

Nope, I'd wanna know. I'm just a naturally inquisitive person. And I'd wanna know why. Maybe I'd refrain from getting into specific details, but I'd definitely want to know if you're cheating on me or if you've ever cheated on me.

I would always wanna know if i was cheated on, just not the details.

I like all of your answers. Except for the ones where you would kill someone. I don't like those. My husband always says that he'd kill someone if he caught them in bed with me, and I don't like that. Makes me feel like a piece of property. He's NOT that way about other things, if anything, I'm the one who has more "control" in the relationship...
Maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I don't get that...If I caught him in bed with another woman, I wouldn't want to kill her. I'd want to cry and I'd be mad at him, but mostly hurt.

I'd absolutely want to know if my boyfriend/husband was having an affair. I wouldn't care to know why or when or how or the details. He'd be out the door, I wouldn't even think twice about it.

Shale wrote:

thepossiblepolice wrote:...(snip)
LOL, so in the real world, there are probably no circumstances where I would not want to know.

captainbryce wrote:Without actually offering my opinion on this topic, I have to say that you are definetely (probably) one of the more "intellegent" people I've come accross on these boards. Just thought'd I'd throw that out there.

Oh, pat yourself on the back there too while you're at it CB.