Your Funny Aries Horoscope for Today

Your Funny Aries Horoscope for Today


Aries
21 March - 19 April

Applying yourself to your work may be the only way you can crush the
thoughts that rampage through your ill-mind. All the yearnings you have
will all of a sudden find explosive release this week. Your lucky goat
name for today is: Penelope.

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Taurus
20 April - 20 May

Even in the darkest places you can find yourself - although you may
break your nose on a door. Broken bones may become a problem for you
this week as you take a walk through a cemetry only to fall into a
recently dug-out grave. Screaming seems to be on the agenda for you,
too.

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Gemini
21 May - 21 June

The future holds great things for you. It's just that whenever you get
close, the future snatches them behind its back and shouts
"Na-na-na-nana." If you can't see what the fuss is all about this week,
try thinking about it from someone else's point of view.

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Cancer
22 June - 22 July

Nobody can stop you as you make that important break through this week.
Be wary of all new friends today as they may turn out to be Russian
spies, or possibly wannabe astronomers. Your favourite place may change
today as you have new reason for utter joy.

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Cancer
22 June - 22 July

Nobody can stop you as you make that important break through this week.
Be wary of all new friends today as they may turn out to be Russian
spies, or possibly wannabe astronomers. Your favourite place may change
today as you have new reason for utter joy.

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Leo
23 July - 22 August

The older you get the more you're starting to realise that everyone
else is an idiot. You will be glad of a loved one's ability to almost
painlessly remove splinters from your backside.

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Virgo
23 August - 22 September

Halitosis can be very painful, especially if the person with bad breath
is trying to spell the word "halitosis" in a confined space. Everything
positive that could possibly happen to you is waiting around the
corner. This week will reverse any setbacks you've had recently.

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Libra
23 September - 23 October

Harmless fun may come back to harm you over the coming weeks. What
happened yesterday was beyond your control. Please remember today that
most of your god-like powers have been taken from you in order to make
you a better demi-god.

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Scorpio
24 October - 21 November

Your mother is proud of you. Regret can hurt you over a long period.
Lament today, but tomorrow must be a day for anger and retribution.
Jamborees often spell the end of the tight-rope that you often climb
when in need of comfort from certain danger.

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Sagittarius
22 November - 21 December

The word "Wobble" might mean something to you today that it simply
hasn't meant before. Butter your bread on both sides so that if the
bread falls, you'll be screwed no matter what. It may be easier to make
a toasted sandwich.

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Capricorn
22 December - 19 January

All your wishes can come true if you're willing to briefly take on a
life of crime. The colour blue will give you cause for resentment
today.

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Aquarius
20 January - 18 February

All the best plans go awry, so please make sure you're ready for any
surprises. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today.

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Pisces
19 February - 20 March

Today will be fraught with exciting wonderment and thrills for at least
somebody you know. Parrots can be annoying as well as beautifully
coloured. Rawwr! Parrots can be annoying as well as beautifully
coloured. Rawwr! Rawwr! Parrots can be annoying as well as beautifully
coloured. Rawwr!

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Scorpio
24 October - 21 November

Your mother is proud of you. Regret can hurt you over a long period.
Lament today, but tomorrow must be a day for anger and retribution.
Jamborees often spell the end of the tight-rope that you often climb
when in need of comfort from certain danger.

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