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If you knew someone in a relationship with a person who was abusive (physically or verbally), made excuses for their partners mistreatment and/or staunchly refused to do anything about–like leave–how would you react? Would you continue to have anything to do with this person?

As shitty as it sounds, it's difficult to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I've been in that situation, and I can't say that I would have allowed anybody to intervene.

I would be sympathetic but I would have to pull away from them to a certain degree and just hope they get it together soon. If they came to me for help or had a real desire to get out, I would be there for them 100%.

Verve wrote:: I would be sympathetic but I would have to pull away from them to a certain degree and just hope they get it together soon. If they came to me for help or had a real desire to get out, I would be there for them 100%.

I feel the same way. Unless it was someone very close, like one of my sisters, if I couldn't convince them how wrong the situation was, then I would too stifle our friendship and just wish them the best. I couldn't just stand by and watch them willingly suffer, while they ignored my heeds.

Chris wrote:

Verve wrote:: I would be sympathetic but I would have to pull away from them to a certain degree and just hope they get it together soon. If they came to me for help or had a real desire to get out, I would be there for them 100%.

I feel the same way. Unless it was someone very close, like one of my sisters, if I couldn't convince them how wrong the situation was, then I would too stifle our friendship and just wish them the best. I couldn't just stand by and watch them willingly suffer, while they ignored my heeds.

If my contact was only with one side (like a coworker who showed up for work with black eyes) I would offer sympathy and encourage them to call the police/get out of the relationship, both of which I know are much easier said than done. If it was someone closer to me such as a family member or close friend, I would do everything I could to get them out of the situation including taking them into my home and if their abuser resented my interference, we could have a chat.

I would continue to talk to them. Their romantic relationship has nothing to do with the relationship that we have. I don't get involved in other people's romantic lives. Never have and prob. never will. I'll tell them how I feel about it, but that's all you can do. Besides, when he/she realizes what a fuck up they've been and how much it bites them in the ass, they'll need someone to fall back on. That someone would prob. be me.

Nystyle709 wrote:: I would continue to talk to them. Their romantic relationship has nothing to do with the relationship that we have. I don't get involved in other people's romantic lives. Never have and prob. never will. I'll tell them how I feel about it, but that's all you can do. Besides, when he/she realizes what a fuck up they've been and how much it bites them in the ass, they'll need someone to fall back on. That someone would prob. be me.

Well said. Same for me.

It helps for the victim to know they have someone to fall back on. When they choose that is anybody's guess because getting out of the situation is not always easy for them.

I've been on a few sides of this story.

As the victim, I used to wonder why nobody said anything. Perhaps we just hid it really well from family, but still. I wasn't myself. I didn't expect anybody to jump in and play hero, but it would have been nice to have support when I decided to make a move. I felt that my friends had abandoned me, and my family was more concerned with seeing me married and producing offspring than the healthiness of my relationship. I had complete strangers express more concern for my safety than the people closest to me. I had one cousin that I spoke to it about, but she was in the same predicament herself, and misery loves company. In reality I probably did a good job of shutting people out, because I was ashamed that I was so weak and didn't know how to get out the sitation at the time.

BUUUUT....with that being said, I'm not going to force someone to do what they don't want to do, and I'm not going to put myself in danger or waste my time, so I do understand why people DON'T get involved. I remember one time my aforementioned cousin took all her BF's shyt, loaded it up in my car, and attempted to drop it off at his momma's house because she was "through." Had her baby daddy and my ex driving her car for backup. We got all the way to his neighborhood and she decided to call him and tell him. FOR WHAT? He punked her so good that at the last minute, she aborts the mission. That pissed my ex off to the point where we parked at the gas station and he threw EVERYTHING out the car, told her don't ask for no more help until she meant business because people can't just running out wasting their time and putting themselves in danger for her to be playing around. And that was the last time she asked for help.

Thankfully, I left my abusive relationship a year ago and even though some of the emotional scarring hasn't healed, I damn sure won't let it happen again. I won't say it was easy--this same time last year there were nights where I called my biggest friends for backup, frantically packed enough clothes to last a few days, and prayed I got out the complex before he showed up with a gun. But I did it, so it can be done, and anyone in the same situation who uses excuses simply isn't ready. So if I see someone going through it I'll offer the same strength and resources that I used, because I know it's hard to leave sometimes.

But going back to my example with my cousin, I'm not going to let someone pull me into their domestic shyt, and a lot of times tough love must be applied. She complains that nobody will help her and we don't fcuk with her. But we've made it clear as crystal that our door is always open to HER, not HIM, because he's made many threats to numerous family members. In her warped state of mind she attempts to force him on us at inappropriate times (i.e. my dad's birthday party...bytch wtf), then gives the "If you can't accept him then you can't accept me" speech, which is complete BS when he's beating you on the daily. She constantly brings up my old relationship when I attempt to talk some sense into her, which I quickly remind her that I was smart enough to leave and she's still the one getting lumped up. And it doesn't help that everywhere they go, they break the damn peace! The best thing for us to do is let them keep that domestic shyt where it belongs--at their domicile. And these type of complications are why people tend to not get involved. Personally, I have my own life to live. Again, I'll give strength and resources, but I'm not going to strain my brain over another person's self-made troubles.

In response to the title of this thread: I'd like to throw it out there that victims are not "willing."

I'd feel great sympathy. In most cases, it's not a matter of choosing to leave. Many victims of domestic abuse feel that they deserve the abuse. It's a vicious cycle that seems incomprehensible to those who have not been in that situation. For those that are, though, they are often so broken down that they truly come to believe that their abuser can change, that if they're "good enough" next time, they won't be abused. They are often so battered down emotionally that they will make excuses and it becomes not a matter of choice in the way that we would think of it. It's a complicated and heartbreaking situation.

I'd offer all the support I could while encouraging the couple of get hel- - get the abused out and get them both into counselling.

Nystyle709 wrote:: I would continue to talk to them. Their romantic relationship has nothing to do with the relationship that we have. I don't get involved in other people's romantic lives. Never have and prob. never will. I'll tell them how I feel about it, but that's all you can do. Besides, when he/she realizes what a fuck up they've been and how much it bites them in the ass, they'll need someone to fall back on. That someone would prob. be me.

this is exactly what i did..

i've known several females who have been in abusive relationships.

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What is your attitude towards willing victims of domestic abuse?