My mom is putting my grandma in a nursing home.

About 10 years ago, my grandma (who was in her early 80s then) came to live with my mom. My mom and my two aunts (her sisters) decided that she was getting too old to live alone in her big house. The deal was that every year or so she would rotate back and forth from each of their homes. Well I guess my mom picked the short straw because her house was where my grandma wound up first. At the time I guess it made sense, because my mom has the biggest house and most room. After grandma got situated there, my mom's sisters acted like they never agreed to take turns with grandma being at each of their houses. So pretty much my mom became stuck being her mothers primary caretaker and she's been living with her ever since. This backstabbing REALLY bothered my mom a lot. A lot! Now after 10 years of being the main one taking care of her, my mom has decided to put my now 91 y/o grandma in a nursing home because even though my grandma is healthy for her age, caring for her has become too much of a task. My aunts [her sisters] don't like the idea, but really have no room to say anything since they reneged on their original promise to help out. It's kinda sad but I'm glad my mom isn't going to burdened with having to care for an elderly parent. Our fear though is that not long after she goes to this home, she'll pass away. Even though she's healthy (for her age), it just seems like that sort of ominous twist would happen and if does, I KNOW that the rest of the family is going to try and vilify my mom for the decision to put her in a nursing home to begin with, even though none of them stepped up to help beforehand. Ugh!

Sorry all I just felt like sharing my family drama!

Wow. Thanks for sharing Robbie. It can't be easy to care for an elderly parent, but since your mom has put in work for ten years, I think it's completely her call to make that decision. If your aunts have a problem with your grandma going to a care facility, then one of them should be volunteering to have your her move in with them. If they're not stepping up to take over the responsibility, then their "not liking the idea" really has little merit. That's the same as saying "I don't like the idea of you cooking meatloaf for dinner at your house." Whose house is it again?

I remember when my great-grandfather was put in a nursing home. My grandmother took care of him for YEARS, at least two decades, before putting him in a nursing home. For as long as I can remember, and I have a pretty damn good memory, I can never remember him being 'sane'. My dad said he was losing his mind a little before I was born so all I remember about him is always being in that back room at my grandmother's house. He was completely dependent. Had to bathe him, feed him, wipe after him and the whole nine. What's ironic is, when my great-grandmother (my grandmother's mom, his wife) started to become a little more dependent and elderly, my grandmother wanted to stick her in a damn nursing home ASAP. And she still had her sane mind and everything, just was becoming a little more slow. My grandmother is a bitch sometimes so I know how it is to have selfish family members when it comes to things like that because caring for an elderly person day in and day out is WORK. And it can be emotionally taxing.

I feel for your mother Robbie, its not easy taking care of an elderly person. My Dad is old and just like your mother, I became the primary caretaker, even though I have other brothers and sisters, I did all the leg work to get him situated. My Dad still has all his mental faculties but he did not want to go into a nursing home. He basically lives alone and he didn't want to leave his apartment by the beach. What I did was since he does not have any assets, I got him on a state program that enables him to have a home attendant 24 hours a day. This was not simple, the red tape and paper work can become endless but he has been on this program for about 8 years or so. My Dad had been in a nursing home for rehibilitation a few times and I see how they treat people. First your Mom should investigate the home, make sure that the people are well cared for. Some elderly people actually like the home once they get there and start making friends. The staff 's attitude is important, a couple of times I had to put them in their place, they think just because a person is elderly that family dosen't care what happens to them. Assure your grandma that she can be taken out for family visits if the family wants to do that. Your Aunts have no say in the matter unless they are willing to take your grandma in. Your Mom has been primary caretaker all these years so its her decision not theirs what is best for her and your grandma. I hope all goes well, I love elderly people, I have learned so much about the world from them and they deserved to be treated with dignity.

Hey Robbie, thanks for sharing your story and I hope everything works out for your grandmother. Not to criticize your mom and aunts, but I don't think it was realistic to plan to have your grandmother rotate back and forth from each of their homes like that. Seems to me that that would have become tedious very quickly. What they should have done was (like Tony said he does with his dad) all pitch in to get her an apartment and a live in, or day/night shift, caretaker to assist her in living. The way I see it, your mom was basically set up. Whichever child takes in their elderly parent first is going to be the one they inevitably stay with. The other siblings, most likely, aren't going to want to take turns shouldering that responsibility if someone else has been doing it already.

Chris wrote:Hey Robbie, thanks for sharing your story and I hope everything works out for your grandmother. Not to criticize your mom and aunts, but I don't think it was realistic to plan to have your grandmother rotate back and forth from each of their homes like that. Seems to me that that would have become tedious very quickly. What they should have done was (like Tony said he does with his dad) all pitch in to get her an apartment and a live in, or day/night shift, caretaker to assist her in living. The way I see it, your mom was basically set up. Whichever child takes in their elderly parent first is going to be the one they inevitably stay with. The other siblings, most likely, aren't going to want to take turns shouldering that responsibility if someone else has been doing it already.

You got that right Chris, none of the other siblings want the responsibility once that one takes over. Another thing, elderly people don't like change, I don't think Robbie's grandma would have like to be shuffled back and forth between houses every year, they are very territorial and change would probably uspet her. The best thing that I ever did was to get my dad home attendants or he would have had to go to a nursing home because I could not care for him and my siblings certainly would never take him in. Even with her living with Robbies Mom, they can still get home attendants to come in and help out but as I stated above, the grandma has to have no assets or they will strip her of everthing she has.

Thanx alot for the comments everybody. I know my mom will be thorough in picking a good place for my grandma. It will be kinda sad to see her live somewhere that isn't just around family, but I know we'll all go to visit her on a regular basis and bring her out to for all the holidays and family get togethers.