Do you think it's selfish for someone to take it upon themselves to try and care for their special needs loved one, despite doctors strong recommendations that they enter a care facility that is better equipped to tend to their needs?

I do not think it is selfish. Often 2 factors go into play here... 1. financial resources and 2. Guilt.

Even when people can afford inpatient care, they often feel like they are being a bad child/parent by putting their loved one away. Their attempts at being selfless sometimes do more harm than good, but with the best of intentions.

Nope.

Let me put it this way if my husband should become incapacitated I hope I could care for him at home, at the same time I know I can't lift him, so at some point he would have to go into a care facility. The same would hold true for me if I could not take care of myself.

Lots of good points from different angles here.

My mother died from Alzheimers. My brother and his wife, who lived next door, both had to work, so they found a live-in caretaker. She actually did a very good job, but she suffered tremendous burn-outs off 'n' on. But Mom only lived a couple of years after diagnosis.

Sometimes it's the parents who can get 'selfish' by wanting to place undeserved stress on their adult children who must work. If they need round-the-clock care it would strain the children financially. And, of course, if the relationship isn't what it should be then the patience won't be what it should, either.

It could be but not necessarily. Depends on why the family made the decision. Is it selfish to dump someone in a home because they've become an inconvenience?

Alan Smithee wrote:

It could be but not necessarily. Depends on why the family made the decision. Is it selfish to dump someone in a home because they've become an inconvenience?

It's a really fine line. Some people can deal with more than others. It is or certainly can be daunting. It's easy at times to be overwhelmed by it. On the other-hand there are some people who just want to rid themselves of a burden but it can become too much for even the most understanding patient & loving people. I don't think people should be forced or guilted into taking on the responsibility nor should they feel guilty if they have to make arrangements outside the home setting. Easier said than done, I know. But they shouldn't feel that placement is their only option either. It's really a case by case thing.

It all depends on how competent the person is at providing home care....but I'm not a doctor or a nurse and haven't been trained to deal with people who're special needs, so truthfully if one of my loved ones needed it, I would put them in a facility if doctors insisted. It's not throwing them away, it's making sure their every need can be properly met in a way that will make them comfortable most of the time.

As a person that has been doing it for 16 years let me tell you it gets to be very difficult as the one you are caring for gets older. The doctor's are right when they get to a point where they can't do anything for themselves and you can't do anything for them anymore on your own, they belong in a facility. Only problem is that you have to be there to watch because most facilities don't give a shit about your loved one and if you scream and yell enough, they will get on their toes. They also lie a lot so you have to constantly ask for proof of whatever they are saying. Before sending any older person to a facility, make sure you check it out first, do a lot of research.

Shale wrote:

It depends on the kind of care required.

I work at a residential facility retarded adults. Often new residents come to us and show improvement because they are surrounded by peers.

All too often their social needs are neglected at home. Yes, your kid with Down syndrome will sit politely at your party and may even enjoy it, but how much socialization do you and all your well intentioned friends provide this person on a daily basis. So, in this case 'institutionalization' is actually beneficial.

Now with Alzheimer's it is heart wrenching when the person is occasionally aware of their condition and that they are not in their normal home, but it is also a strain on the family to try to give 24-7 care by themselves. Even with in-home assistance it is hard. This can sink the caregiver before the one being cared for. So, you have to be realistic about you own limitations to provide care.

Home care sucks let me tell you. My father went through over 100 home attendants before I found one half way decent. You have to constantly check on them and make sure they are going their job. Like Shale said, its hard even with the home attendant and yes it definetly sinks the caregiver to a point where sometimes you think you are going out of your mind.

Shale wrote:

My sister tried keeping our mom at her house. Had a special room fixed up for her when she was in the early stages of Alzheimers. I was supposed to stay a couple weeks with assist from the home care aide, while they went on vacation - but mom had a broken hip & most of my time was staying with her in the hospital.

We all went to check out nursing homes and from my experience working in them, could instantly spot the ones we would not put mom in. She was in a nice one - still complaining about the restrictions but my sister is finally convinced she can't take care of her at home.

It is a fact of life. I just hope my sister, 5 years younger than me, remains healthy and able to manage mom's affairs in Missouri, because I seriously am not able to relocate there and do anything for her.

I looked at a number of facilities and the one that looked good turned out to be just as bad as all the rest. While they did not abuse my father they just didn't take good care of him and me and my family had to be on top of them constantly.