If someone is a jerk to you, do you forgive years later because they had a substance abuse problem?

If someone is under the influence and is a jerk to you, do they deserve a second chance two years later when they are allegedly sober?

Depends on what they did and if they are in fact sorry/remorseful. But they don't get an automatic pass just for sobering/cleaning up.

This is a loaded question.

1.) Are they TRULY sober? I had an ex who claimed to be 11yrs sober even tho he wasn't. He did not count "slips" which occurred everyday for months at a time. He would claim to go to AA meetings, when instead he was sitting in the parking lot drinking in his car. He also had the audacity to claim that his sponsor said, "you not an alcoholic, but you should not drink". UH yeah right! This same guy would be a guest speaker at some of the meetings to "share" his story.

2.) If they are working the 12step program, they might be at the "make amends to people you have wronged" step. Accepting this person back into your life might actually be therapeutic to them, and to you if there are hard feelings still lingering. However, if the previous steps were not worked, then this step is frivolous. My ex often CLAIMED to be at this step, then would make things worse between us.

3.) It depends on how much you put yourself out there. I would imagine that trust has been broken, and trust is earned. I would suggest that you take things slow. If the person truly is in recovery, then they will understand your caution, and be willing to accept it---as well as wanting to earn back your trust.

4.) How much of a "jerk" was this person? And what was the substance? If this was an abusive relationship (and i mean physically/emotionally/verbally) then its probably not a good idea. If the person was a drug addict, the potential for stealing is involved, and you may have to be prepared for it.

5.) Once an addict, always an addict. These people forever have the urge for the substance. They can work the steps and be sober for 30 yrs... but one weak day, they can/will use again. I have seen it happen over an over.

6.) Addicts (both drugs/alcohol) are narcissists. Everything is always all about them. Even during recovery, they get to "share" at meetings which feeds into the narcissistic ego. They get attention through the meetings which is just what they want. You will always hear comments like, "you make me drink, it's not my fault", "i'm so depressed", "I hate my drinking". Very rarely do you ever hear the addict say, "I hate the way my drinking affects you", "i'm sorry that my drinking makes you depressed", etc. When they use/drink, they often feel empowered and cheat cause their egos are pumped more and they are less inhibited.

One problem I had with Al-anon, which is the "AA program" for friends/family of the alcoholic is that they tell you that you need to improve yourself. Not that I think i'm perfect--- but one woman told me, "If you improve yourself, he will see you as a good influence and want to stop drinking". UHH... no, he is too drunk to notice. They teach you "detachment with love". Their major example of this is if the drunk falls out of bed, leave him on the floor but put a blanket over him. This way when he wakes up, he will see that you care, but that he was drunk enough to fall on the floor. Another was "if the drunk punches a hole in the wall, do not yell at him when he sees it the next morning--- let him realize that he needs to fix it on his own"!! REALLY?? that is just more of the "dont blame the alcoholic, blame the disease" crap that I do not buy into. I dont care what anyone says--- it is a choice! they CHOOSE to pick up the first drink/fix which puts them back down the bad road again. They do not care about anyone or anything except getting that first one. It is a hard hard thing to watch an addict spiral and not be able to help them---- so proceed with extreme caution!

Cheaps wrote:Depends on what they did and if they are in fact sorry/remorseful. But they don't get an automatic pass just for sobering/cleaning up.

And not everything can be forgiven just because they were under the influence.

Depends....

Cheaps wrote:Depends on what they did and if they are in fact sorry/remorseful. But they don't get an automatic pass just for sobering/cleaning up.