Femme Fatale's thread about whether or not a man is a deadbeat if he pays child support, yet still wanted no relationship with the child prompts me to ask this:

How would you explain to your child that their other parent wanted no relationship with them? Would you tell them the truth, or attempt to play it down to spare their feelings?

Also, would you vilify their absent father/mother to the child for having that attitude, or try and be neutral in your description of them?

Chris wrote:

How would you explain to your child that their other parent wanted no relationship with them?

Very carefully and I would try very hard not to make her out to be a bitch even if she was.

IMO parents mess up when they sugar coat the truth or outright lie about the other parent to spare the kids feelings. The brutal truth always comes out and it won't be no easier for them to deal with at 12 than it would at 6. If his dad is a deadbeat jerk, then best believe that I would keep it 100%... "Your father is an self-centered, emotionally cold S.O.B., who is too immature to recognize what a blessing you are on this earth and would rather go out of his way to pretend that reality isn't true because he's not grown enough to own it. So while it's sad that he's the way he is, if he was around he would just disappoint you. He's an example of what to NOT follow, doesn't deserve you and you're better off without him. The law however says that he CAN'T ignore that you exist, so tomorrow when his check clears, we're going shopping. And when you try on that D&G outfit, pop ya collar two times."

I would keep it totally real and just reemphasize to my child that their deadbeat dad's messed up personality and misplaced priorities are a total reflection on HIM and not them.

It depends on what kind of relationship (if any) my child had with their father. If the other parent never bonded and had no relationship with him or her, then I might be inclined to be more blunt about what kind of man his or her father truly is. But if my child did have a relationship with their father and clearly cared about him, then I would try and be more tactful.

I would tell them the truth but would temper it to their level.

GrayWolf wrote:

I would tell them the truth but would temper it to their level.

I would gauge how and what I would tell the child, based on their age. A teen can better handle hearing that your deadbeat parent is just that, and you're better off without them, but a small child would fare better with a gentler approach to the effect of mom/dad didn't think they could be a good parent to you so they stepped aside, so you could have a better life than they could provide. And then let the child make their own judgements and decisions about the parent in question, later in life, after they've lived a bit themselves.

For years I was bitter that my own biological father bailed and ran out, the minute he found out my mother was pregnant with me. Granted they were both 17 at the time, but eventually I learned to let it go and say well, if he wasn't interested in being my father, then I'm not interested in being his daughter.

If the child didn't want to know then I would not mention it unless he/she asked then I would tread very carefully on my answer.