Is honesty the best policy for parents regarding their own past drug use?

My friend and I got into a debate about this a while back. Her child is much younger than my son and we were talking about drugs.

A friend used coke in college. Shortly after college, she was married and pregnant, and never did coke anymore. Her theory is to tell her child all about the coke from back in the day including how awful it made her feel about herself looking back on it.

My theory on it is much different. I told her, "Do not ever think you can tell my son you did coke because I don't want him to see someone doing well for herself post-college after having been so stupid while in college."

My take is, if a kid sees a person can dabble in hard drugs, it will make him think, "Gee, I could dabble, then be fine after." My reasoning is trying a hard drug one time can mess you up for life. That is what made me never even curious about hard drugs in my youth.

So, is it better to tell a child, "I did drugs but regret it." Or to preach the "steer clear" approach?

Well let's be honest, what is the point of rehab programs to help them if they're not expected to do anything good with their lives afterward just because they did use drugs at one point in their lives? My dad drank, in his younger days, when he was in his 20s before he and my mom met, he WAS what you'd call an alcoholic, he'd have a case of beer at breakfast each day, and then one day he just stopped and turned himself completely around and has never touched the stuff since. Well hearing that HE used to drink never tempted me to try it, because I knew him in the here and now would kill me if I did because they taught me better than that.

And I can think of a few more famous instances. Pink, okay, we know hers has not been an easy road, or a particularly influential one as a role model, but she did used to do drugs and make them and sell them, and one night when she was 15 she overdosed and was going in and out of consciousness before her performance at a club. But she got up, sang the best she'd done yet, went home, did one last batch, and then never again. Now she's got a daughter, and she has already put this story out on TV so her daughter's going to find out about it someday but I doubt she'll be tempted to try it just because her mother once did.

Love your post, Super. Gives me a lot to ponder.

I know you are a Pink fan, as I am. A couple months ago, Jay actually talked down about her regarding the drug use. It did bug me because I would rather he not have brought it up in front of our son who likes Pink too. And of course, we adore her husband!

Where I come from comes from a place deeper than alcohol. My dad drinks/drank too and I have repeated a few of his mistakes. And they involved the drink. He cheated, I cheated. He played pool in seedy joints and got roughed up and I escaped a few sticky situations. Thankfully never roughed up. But I learned the pool thing from him totally.

So my point is, it is bad enough to say, "Hey, child of mine, I survived alcohol, you can too." But sub "coke" for alcohol and it is pretty scary for a kid to think, "Hey, Mom/Dad did drugs and here they are, all well and fine...I can do drugs for a spell and be fine."

I really feel like kids should be taught that drugs kill. I KNOW many do drugs for years and end up in recovery and don't expire. But I know myself well enough to know that if I wasn't totally afraid of drugs back in the day, I may just have tried something really bad.

Our daughter knows that her mother and father used to smoke pot. That knowledge hasn't led to any problems.

Alan Smithee wrote:Our daughter knows that her mother and father used to smoke pot. That knowledge hasn't led to any problems.

I am for honesty - and that could almost be quantified as the way to go because so many secrets eventually surface anyhow.

RedBedroom wrote:...So, is it better to tell a child, "I did drugs but regret it." Or to preach the "steer clear" approach?"

In my case, neither.

I did drugs and enjoyed the experience and feel it helped form who I am today.

Also, preaching against it will have no effect. When I was a teen I used to sample the parents booze in the cabinet and on graduation night got my first drunk which was totally illegal at 18. I used to sneak cigarettes and smoke them with the other bad boys for the image. Red, your BOY is gonna do what he is gonna do, whether you approve or not. Sorry, it is out of your hands. All you can do is give some education but make sure your "Reefer Madness" prejudice doesn't make you look a fool.

RedBedroom wrote:...I really feel like kids should be taught that drugs kill. I KNOW many do drugs for years and end up in recovery and don't expire. But I know myself well enough to know that if I wasn't totally afraid of drugs back in the day, I may just have tried something really bad.

First off everyone should know that the most deadly 'drugs' today are CIGARETTES, followed by ALCOHOL. See, because we gave these two deadly drugs legal status ppl forget that they are in fact drugs.

Marijuana is no more dangerous (and possibly less dangerous) than tobacco (a known poison). More ppl die of alcohol overdose and withdrawal than they do of heroin. So "DRUGS" is a legal construct and has nothing to do with the actual danger.

As a young man I abused alcohol. Got blackout drunk, drove drunk (thank my luck I am still here) and it was perfectly legal and accepted back then. Then I dropped out and turned on to grass & psychedelics. Tried uppers & downers. Didn't get off on what was sold to us as coke and was told by a friend who was into smack never to try heroin so I believed him and did not.

I learned that I LOVE SPEED! But I also learned how deliterious it is to ppl who use it habitually, so I did it once and never again. But, that is me, a relatively temperate person. And that is what everyone has to determine for themselves.

Oh, back to the daughter. Brenda and I were freeks - we did free love and drugs in the '70s. Her daughter knew that. This girl grew up so str8 it is almost embarrassing. (She claims to not even do oral on her old man). Anyhow, when she was a teen we let her BF sleep over and we also told her not to smoke grass bought from dealers, that if she really wanted to try it we would get some home-grown from her uncle in N. Florida. (At the time they were lacing grass with Angel Dust - PCP - a dangerous drug not meant for human consumption). I think she has admitted to trying grass sometime over the years (It is so common now) but doesn't do it. I am concerned because she continues to smoke cigarettes. But, what's a parent to do.

RedBedroom wrote:

I really feel like kids should be taught that drugs kill. I KNOW many do drugs for years and end up in recovery and don't expire. But I know myself well enough to know that if I wasn't totally afraid of drugs back in the day, I may just have tried something really bad.

Well that's the main thing, that is exactly why I was NEVER tempted to EVER try drugs, because I did know that they can kill people, I learned that at an early age and it took precedence over anything else that anybody had to say about them, and I wasn't in any mood to die.

The steer clear approach is better in my but but honestly, in the end they are going to make their own choice I would think.

Either/or. It's essentially the same message.

Well.... i think it might depend on the kid also. if u have a kid with the "i'll make my own mistakes,and you can't tell me what to do...i'll deal with what happens to me on my own" then guess what... it doesnt freaking matter which approach you take. Explain the problems with drugs and you get "that wont happen to me" or tell them that you never did it for a reason, and you get "then you don't know what you're talking about" lol

as for pot being harmless... well first i think that it makes a big difference in whether or not the pot is laced with something... now they put heroin and even formaldehyde in it. I can tell you that my sister rhonda did drugs for so many years that she became schizophrenic (we have no history of it in our family). eventually she killed herself... not sure if she meant to or if she forgot she took the drugs and just took more.

Our nephews not only knew of her drug use, but would tell their friends, "this is what happens when you do drugs. you dont want to be like my aunt." that is messed up.

i also think that some kids want to try it and some kids dont. When i was young, i had no interest in drinking/drugging. My friends never offered it, i think out of respect. I knew i could get any drugs i wanted from my sister... and still never tried it. so if u tell this type of kid, they might give u a "you were stupid then" response.

i think, as with most topics, it really depends on your kid. a good parent will know their child and communicate with them properly. if u communicate with ur kid throughout their life, a trust forms. my mother had the "i'll wait til ur old enough approach" then by that time, i didnt respect her opinion and found her to be out of touch with not only my life and reality.

I think another thing to keep in mind is that eventually the truth usually comes out, there will always be somebody somewhere who knew you back then who can tell your kids, and then they're going to wonder why you lied to them and why they had to hear it from someone else.

I see nothing wrong with being honest but if it were me, I wouldn't say anything unless a discussion came up about drugs and I wanted to make a strong point. I definitely wouldn't initiate the conversation.

CatEyes10736 wrote:I see nothing wrong with being honest but if it were me, I wouldn't say anything unless a discussion came up about drugs and I wanted to make a strong point. I definitely wouldn't initiate the conversation.

my sis had a poster that said, "pass the grass" when i asked her what it was, she told me it meant "give me a cookie". so one day while in 3rd grade, my nun brought a bunch of homemade cookies to class.... of course i got screamed at for something i thought was completely innocent! lol

wants2laugh wrote:my sis had a poster that said, "pass the grass" when i asked her what it was, she told me it meant "give me a cookie". so one day while in 3rd grade, my nun brought a bunch of homemade cookies to class.... of course i got screamed at for something i thought was completely innocent! lol

Did the good sister tell you, "No sweet heart, these are cookies not brownies."?

no... the same nun was also not amused when i asked my sis to make me a cassette of music i could do a gymnastic routine to. I stupidly didnt listen to the music first... when Billy Ocean started singing "I want to be your lover... lover... loverboy" I thought sister barbara was going to explode. Same sister did the same thing to me with my wedding music... i should have freakin learned. She told me to dance with my bro to this one song... and it turned out to be like a 15min pink floyd never ending type of thing LOL after awhile we just walked away LOL