How do you feel about cheating? Is it grounds for an immediate break up?

I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on me. That's a trust broken. I'd be too paranoid about where he was at and what he was doing every time the two of us were apart. I just couldn't ever trust him to be away from me for five minutes and to NOT do it again. And the bottom line is, if he did it once he's too prone to doing it again...and again...and again. I love myself too much to be put through that.

I don't tolerate cheaters. If someone is going to be in a relationship with another person, then they should be ready to be exclusive in every way. You can screw around by yourself. So, yeah. Don't care what your excuse is or how sorry you are. Cheat on me, and we're done.

I do not like cheaters but before dumping I would want an explanation of why. That explanation would be the basis of whether or not I end the relationship. If the relationship did continue, it would be very hard to win back something that is very detremental to all relationships and that is trust. If you have been in a relationship with someone for a very long time, it is hard to just shut them out and pretend they don't exist, especially if there are strong feelings involved. Thats life, we love, we get hurt, we heal and we bounce back. Oh and next time around there would be no explanations, the door will be wide open and a quick exit would be expected.

There are, I think, three relevant questions here.

(1) How one found out
(2) The circumstances under which the cheating occurred
(3) The reaction of the cheater

For (1), if I found out on my own or via a third party, then the relationship would be over. A contrite confession would make would an enormous difference. This, then, would make (2) and (3) quite relevant.

Cheating is my end all. Nhaiyel said everything I could have said on the subject, no need to add to it.

Nhaiyel wrote:

I don't tolerate cheaters. If someone is going to be in a relationship with another person, then they should be ready to be exclusive in every way. You can screw around by yourself. So, yeah. Don't care what your excuse is or how sorry you are. Cheat on me, and we're done.

It's a black and white issue for some people. For others, it's not so simple.

Obviously if two people agree to be exclusive and one of them regularly has sex with others and has undisclosed unsafe sex, the answer's pretty clear.

But what if it's a single lapse in particular circumstances and the cheater is really sorry??? If you stand away from it, you have a choice of whether to forgive the lapse or turn it into more of a melodrama than it need be. Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone. Plus you have to ask yourself why you can't just let it go and need to see it as a make or break event, when it might not be. I suspect it sometimes has more to do with ego and control, than trust.

I'm not saying let the cheater abuse the relationship. But being right isn't always what relationships are about. Forgiveness can make them stronger.

RobbieFTW wrote:

It's a black and white issue for some people. For others, it's not so simple.

Obviously if two people agree to be exclusive and one of them regularly has sex with others and has undisclosed unsafe sex, the answer's pretty clear.

But what if it's a single lapse in particular circumstances and the cheater is really sorry??? If you stand away from it, you have a choice of whether to forgive the lapse or turn it into more of a melodrama than it need be. Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone. Plus you have to ask yourself why you can't just let it go and need to see it as a make or break event, when it might not be. I suspect it sometimes has more to do with ego and control, than trust.

I'm not saying let the cheater abuse the relationship. But being right isn't always what relationships are about. Forgiveness can make them stronger.

Very well put Robbie, especially what you said about Forgiveness.

I think some of it would depend on how I felt about the girl... I mean, just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean we're in love. I've been in relationships just because I was too lazy to go to the effort of getting out of them. In that particular situation, I found out she'd slept with a mutual friend of ours, and I was only slightly annoyed at her audacity. Didn't really feel that betrayed.

It would depend on if she had been planning this cheat or if it just happened. An ongoing affair of some length? A whole secret life? No, that I don't think I'd put up with.

But I don't think I'd break up with her, especially if we had shared property. We'd just switch to an open relationship... I guess that's my thing, I don't care about polygamy, but I just loathe dishonesty.

I like what you said, Robbie.

It really does depend. I don't think that infidelity is something a couple can not overcome. But I think that it takes volumes of strength, honesty, and love for it to happen. Reality is, it is near impossible to maintain a good, solid bond after a betrayal.

I don't think I could stay together with someone who cheated on me. I've been cheated on before and by someone I *truly* loved, and it was like a dagger. Oh he apologized profusely, said he made a mistake, would never do it again, loved me, and etc., but I had to wonder exactly how much did he love me and how important was I to him WHILE he was having sex with that skank behind my back? I and our relationship was most likely an afterthought during that moment, and was something that he WILLINGLY shoved to the backburner when he CONSCIOUSLY decided that he was going to cheat before it actually happened. To me that's just selective/fickle commitment, and if it happened once then it could again. "Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me..."

There's a CHANCE I could forgive and not end the relationship. But only if you own up and admit what you've done. No guarantee. It all depends on the situation. I might still break up with you, but total honesty will give it at least a fighting chance.

If I find out you cheated some other way than you telling me though then it's automatically over. No question. No 2nd chances. No nothing. We're done. Because that to me is you scheming behind my back.

One indiscretion may be forgivable with time. Depending on the circumstances and attitude of the cheater. It would take a long time for me to be able to trust her again and I'd be quite unlikable in my lack of faith in her to the point where she'd probably dump me. Overall I just don't like cheaters and don't buy into it being a mistake. Unless you trip, fell and landed on his wood, it wasn't a mistake. It was deliberate. You deliberately betrayed and disrespected me, and for that you must pay...with your life! J/K, but yeah maybe I wouldn't dump her but my attitude wouldn't be pleasant in coping with the betrayal.

In my view, once a cheater always a cheater. Even if they don't do it again, the penchant to stray will always be there. So if I was cheated, maybe I wouldn't automatically end things but I'll never fully trust them again. I'm gonna assume that they're out there having all sorts of sex behind my back (more than what they cop to) and I won't be as emotionally bonded to them as before. I agree with Alden. My heart would grow stiffer where they're concerned and from there it's probably only a matter of time before everything between us falls apart.

8.5/10 I would dump them. It would take a very special lover for me to be able to channel enough forgiveness to reconcile that kind of betrayal (but if they were that special to begin with, then they wouldn't have cheated.) I don't expect anyone to be perfect, but having sex outside of your monogamous relationship is a little more than a simple lapse of better judgment. In the window of time in between the opportunity and the sex, I would think the the conscience of the cheater was screaming at them to not do it. They chose to ignore that voice.

Even though my head says to dump her immediately, I think it depend on the relationship. Is she sorry? Does she want to reconcile the relationship? What were her reasons for cheating? Was I at all to blame, or was it just heat of the moment lust on her part? If this one BAD thing hadn't happened, would the relationship be an otherwise good one? Is this a convienant "get out of jail free" card to unload something that wasn't working anyway.

I'd ponder all of these questions before making a final decision.

RobbieFTW wrote:

It's a black and white issue for some people. For others, it's not so simple.

Obviously, if two people agree to be monogamous and one of them regularly has sex with others and/or has undisclosed unsafe sex, the answer's seems pretty clear.

But what if it's a single lapse in particular circumstances and the cheater is really sorry??? If you stand away from it, you have a choice of whether to forgive the lapse or turn it into more of a melodrama than it need be. Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone. Plus you have to ask yourself why you can't just let it go and need to see it as a make or break event, when it might not be. I suspect it sometimes has more to do with ego and control, than trust.

I'm not saying, let the cheater abuse the relationship. But being right isn't always what relationships are about. Forgiveness can make them stronger.

I REALLY like how you summed that up. I'd still be more likely to send his butt packing, but again you make a very reasonable point.

nope ..I would hear him out and there is a 90% chance that I would give him a second chance..we all are human beings and bound to make mistakes..it isnt about trust everytime , many factors play a part

Cheaters, like everybody else who does something wrong, are only sorry when they're caught. I'd dump him, after I got done chasing him and his girlfriend up and down through the town with a pitchfork, and then dumping all his stuff out the window and into the street.

Chris wrote:

How do you feel about cheating? Is it grounds for an immediate break up?

Most of the time.