Humorscopes
Monday, August 30, 2010
Aries
21 March - 19 AprilEverything you feel about yourself will be confirmed today as you're
put through the mill and emerge victorious. Cartoon fun can be yours if
you pick up the right set of pencils and think really hard about
drawing.
Taurus
20 April - 20 MayYou are important, at least as important as the discovery of the dock
leaf when you were stung by a nettle as a child. Halitosis can be very
painful, especially if the person with bad breath is trying to spell
the word "halitosis" in a confined space. Monkeys may go nuts for
bananas, but Nutters don't give a monkeys about going bananas. This may
be important for you to remember.
Gemini
21 May - 21 JuneEnsure your blood stays within your system today by not venturing
further than your refridgerator. Other people are not as crazy as you
make them out to be. The day's events will make you want to move
abroad.
Cancer
22 June - 22 JulyMost of what you do may be questioned this week - however, you will fly
through those questions with ease and be praised for your general
application. Death can stalk you in all forms, even cute little pussy
cats and slugs. Beware of all cats who have slugs attached to their
backs. Take care when opening up an email from a friend today as you
may not enjoy the electronic content inside.
Leo
23 July - 22 AugustScreaming loudly only serves to wake the neighbours. They'll only
investigate once they're sure you're dead and the murderer has left the
crime scene. Post-it note your entire life and you can become some kind
of local hero. You're almost certainly to star on the local news.
Virgo
23 August - 22 SeptemberCrossing your arms, legs and fingers is fine. Stripes are not really a
color, but people will like the way you confuse it as such.
Libra
23 September - 23 OctoberTerrible envy can be yours all for the price of walking into a very
expensive car showroom. Use that negative energy to summon up dark
spirits. Oil and water are to you what Fish and Gin are to a drunken
fisherman.
Scorpio
24 October - 21 NovemberChristmas may seem like it's just around the corner, but really that's
just nonsense. Paper can cut, and words can hurt. Which is why you
should burn any mail that comes through the letterbox - preferably
whilst still in the postman/woman's hands.
Sagittarius
22 November - 21 DecemberRound things may become useful to you today. Life's problems, however,
cannot all be solved by round things. Back in school when people would
bully you about your hair and possibly jacket, you swore you would have
your vengeance. Make today that day. Although danger is never far away,
you may have an exhilirating time in the coming days.
Capricorn
22 December - 19 JanuaryHalf of what you think you're good at is actually a complete fluke.
This week may see the end of your futile efforts to get good at
something. The number you are thinking of is an odd number below 50.
Aquarius
20 January - 18 FebruaryThe incredible temperature will affect today in ways that I simply
cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that
requires the movement of clothing, either on or off - the difficulty is
that the fog of mystery surrounds you. I guess what I'm saying is that
it will be hot or cold. Or possibly somewhere in between. You are ready
for a fall this week after some good luck in the recent past.
Pisces
19 February - 20 MarchRemember to chew before you swallow. Your lucky horse for today is:
Sombrero's Lid. Nobody can stop you as you make that important break
through this week.