Asking about finances appropriate on a third date?

I've got a question for everyone, if you don't mind me asking. How would you feel if, on your third date, your date asked you how much you still owe on your student loans? What would your reaction be? I had that happen today. Was set up with a guy kinda as a blind date. This was the third time we've been out. He's a nice guy but I was caught off guard by his question, as I felt it was pretty personal to be asking on only the third date. We've know each other all of two weeks. Am I off base here in thinking that question was very... well... forward, given it's only been out third date?

Honestly, I think you're overreacting. He was prob. just making conversation. I remember when I visited my brother in Pittsburgh and I was taking the bus to the mall and me and this guy on the bus just started chatting. And he went to the same school that my brother goes to so we just started talking about school, degrees, jobs, majors, etc and he voluntarily told me that he owed 60k in student loans. It's not that personal of a question. Not like he asked you how much money you make or how much money you have in your bank accounts or something to that effect. If you like him, go out on the fourth date!

I don't think you were overreacting at all, TSJ. I think asking about any kind of finances on a third date is absolutely ludicrious and rude. It's completely invading your privacy and your instincts were absolutely right on when you thought he was being too personal.

I guess my question is how did he know that you had student loans in the first place, and if you mentioned at all?

I'm pretty forward when it comes to reality and finances are reality. I see no need to be discreet or put on pretense. If the subject of debt comes up and I mention that I'm in it, then I wouldn't be at all put off if someone inquired how much. The way I see it, if I volunteer certain information about myself, then I'm opening the door to be asked more about it.

I think the problem is, I don't like him all that much - lol. I'm really not interested in a fourth date.

I can't even remember how it came up. He was asking about my debt, or something like that, and I think I'd mentioned I still had my student loan to pay off.

On our second date, he told me that he wants a traditional wife who will stay home and take care of the kids everything and let him be the head of the household and make ALL of the decisions. I pointed out that in this day and age, most families have to have two working parents and he said that when the kids are in school, I can work part time time - not even "my wife", but he made it personal and said "You can work parttime". Problem is, he's making barely above minimum wage and has been in the job for several years, so I don't know how he expects to support family on that.

I'm just not into him. He seems like a sweet guy but I'm not at all attracted to him. Actually, it's the opposite - I find him pretty unattractive and our conversations aren't helping things.

Sounds like a winner. How did you make it to a third date in the first place? To take a page out of Dear Landers, if someone asks a nosey question ask them why they want to know. If you want to be polite.

Third date was sprung on me before I could think of an excuse to get out of it. Everything just feels so awkward. He gave me a hug after the second date and wanted one after the third but I'd feel more comfortable hugging a stranger on the street, which really says a lot to me.

Maybe if I was actually attracted to him, that would be one thing and I might not mind the nosey questions. I think he just assumed I had debt 'cause most students do and then I must have said something to confirm it.

Well, it's a good thing that it was awkward anyway, so you don't have to stress about the loan question.

Just to weigh in though, I think it is a very rude question. Any questions about money should be saved for much more down the line.

It's rude to ask people about their personal business so early on.

Thanks everyone. We're just far too different, anyway. Next time he asks me out, I'll be telling him that I don't think I'm the girl for him as I want to be in a relationship where I am with someone who respects me and sees me as equal to them, not someone who is there to serve them in a dictatorship-type relationship.

TSJFan4Ever wrote:I've got a question for everyone, if you don't mind me asking. How would you feel if, on your third date, your date asked you how much you still owe on your student loans? What would your reaction be? I had that happen today. Was set up with a guy kinda as a blind date. This was the third time we've been out. He's a nice guy but I was caught off guard by his question, as I felt it was pretty personal to be asking on only the third date. We've know each other all of two weeks. Am I off base here in thinking that question was very... well... forward, given it's only been out third date?

So whatever happened with you and this guy TSJ?

TSJFan4Ever wrote:I think the problem is, I don't like him all that much - lol. I'm really not interested in a fourth date.

I can't even remember how it came up. He was asking about my debt, or something like that, and I think I'd mentioned I still had my student loan to pay off.

On our second date, he told me that he wants a traditional wife who will stay home and take care of the kids everything and let him be the head of the household and make ALL of the decisions. I pointed out that in this day and age, most families have to have two working parents and he said that when the kids are in school, I can work part time time - not even "my wife", but he made it personal and said "You can work parttime". Problem is, he's making barely above minimum wage and has been in the job for several years, so I don't know how he expects to support family on that.

I'm just not into him. He seems like a sweet guy but I'm not at all attracted to him. Actually, it's the opposite - I find him pretty unattractive and our conversations aren't helping things.

Ding! Ding! Ding! And here's where the alarm signals go off (see highlighted section above). Two words: Control Freak!

Run like hell, because this guy wants to rule and control, and the fact that he asked about your finances was the first tip-off. That's none of his freakin' business, and guys like this will control any way they can, and they start by making you financially dependant on them so that fear creeps in, and you think you can't survive without them. They could even turn violent in their efforts to keep you under their thumb, especially if you try to leave the relationship.

So run, run, run and don't look back!

Ph - sorry guys. I never got back to this. ITA that this guy is a control freak. We went out on a 3rd date only because I couldn't think of a way to get out of it and that was it. I think him finding out that I had a student loan scared him off but he made it easy for me, as I didn't have to tell him that I wasn't interested in dating a chauvinist who thought women should be chained to the stove, barefoot and preggers. The friend who set me up was quite shocked by what I told her - had no idea the guy felt this way about women and couldn't figure out why he'd be asking about my fiances on the second date.

I prefer a relationship in which we're equals and one isn't the domestic servant of the other.

Glad it worked out for you TSJ. If the fact that you had a student loan scared him off, it might have been worth the look on his face if you told him that you owe a lot but don't intend on paying it no matter how bad it's made your credit. "Let my husband worry about that." Before you asked him if baldness ran in his family.

LOL Alan! I wish I'd done just that!!!!!!! That would have been awesome. Yeah - he made it really easy for me. I do feel for any girl who happens to end up with him, though I think his 18th century attitude would being turn off most girls unless they're pretty desperate and don't mind being nothing but a servant and a baby mill. I do remember being tempted to tell him that the onyl way he'd find that kind of wife is to get a time machine and travel back in time at least a hundred years.