Should you change your habits after marriage and/or kids?

I could not figure out an articulate way to pose this question...

What I want to know is if after years or marriage and/or kids, should your spouse be able to tell you they want something to change?

For example, if you are a smoker, should you be asked/expected to quit down the line? Or if you have a certain activity with friends, be it an annual hunting trip or weekly basketball at the gym, should your spouse be able to tell you, "no more"?

I see more and more couples bitch about things that one of the two have done for years, prior to marriage.


In my opinion, you married who you did, and any change should not be mandated.

I think that's the problem with a lot of marriages. When people demand that someone change their interests (usually to something that matches their own-hypocritical, imo) it's unfair & often unreasonable. They knew going in that the person had these friends, enjoyed these things. If it bothered them so much it needs to be discussed BEFORE the marriage. If it's the kind of thing that's a dealbreaker then don't get married. But too many people see their spouse as a work in progress when they need to accept them as they are or move on before the "I do's".

RedBedroom wrote:I could not figure out an articulate way to pose this question...

What I want to know is if after years or marriage and/or kids, should your spouse be able to tell you they want something to change?

For example, if you are a smoker, should you be asked/expected to quit down the line? Or if you have a certain activity with friends, be it an annual hunting trip or weekly basketball at the gym, should your spouse be able to tell you, "no more"?

I see more and more couples bitch about things that one of the two have done for years, prior to marriage.


In my opinion, you married who you did, and any change should not be mandated.

Thats why only 52% of adult americans are married, great expectations and lack of communication.

. But too many people see their spouse as a work in progress when they need to accept them as they are or move on before the "I do's".

SO TRUE.

I agree that you marry what you get, so don't expect huge changes. If you can't live with certain things, it's probably not a good idea to get married.

I knew after the second date that I could never be married to this one guy when he told me that he wants a marriage in which he makes all of the decisions and I stay home and take care of the kids and be a "traditional" wife who is not allowed to work until the kids are in school, and then, only parttime. He was not in a job in which he could have supported anyone other than himself and I actually make more money than him. If he's already giving orders and dictating how things will be, then I know it's not the right relationship for me. He shouldn't expect me to marry him and then change to suit his needs, nor would I expect him to be open to a marriage in which we are equals and decisions are made mutual and there is respect on both sides. I did have to restrain myself from suggesting that he find a time machine and travel back about 150 years to find a wife who will be subservient to him and be his made and nanny and so forth.

Wow, he sounds like a "winner".

In my opinion, it's better to put your annoyances with your spouse on the table earlier on, instead of silently resenting one of their habits that you find near impossible to tolerate. It's not fair that in the seven years we've been married, you've been seemingly okay with my smoking and having a sports night at the house with my friends, and suddenly you want me to stop. If you hated it all along, you shouldn't have helped create an environment where it was permissible. I don't wanna stop now.

Chris wrote:In my opinion, it's better to put your annoyances with your spouse on the table earlier on, instead of silently resenting one of their habits that you find near impossible to tolerate. It's not fair that in the seven years we've been married, you've been seemingly okay with my smoking and having a sports night at the house with my friends, and suddenly you want me to stop. If you hated it all along, you shouldn't have helped create an environment where it was permissible. I don't wanna stop now.

Right.

My cousin once wrote a song about this, usually men marry women hoping nothing changes, women marry men hoping they can do complete transformations on the men. People need to learn that entering marriage is for the most part at best you get what you see, it's not like a mail order package that takes 6 to 8 weeks to complete.

I can't imagine letting a bad habit of my husbands fester unchallenged for years and then all of the sudden making a case out of it. Too many women go into marriages hoping those irritating and intolerable quirks of his will relax with time. In the meantime a man only gets more comfortable doing it because he thinks he can get away with it.

Exactly, so if you're going to be blowing the whistle on something, you do it before the 'I do's'.

I don't think you should expect change after marriage; you should know what you are getting yourself into beforehand.

HOWEVER, if somebody has a truly bad habit, the fact that the spouse can tolerate it and isn't demanding it be changes does not mean that it should just continue. For example, just because your wife doesn't ask you to stop smoking doesn't mean you should just smoke. Especially if you have kids, you should stop smoking regardless of what the spouse says.

I knew my wife smoked before we got married. I don't like it then and I don't loke it now but I made the decision that it was something I was willing to put up with. If it wasn’t a deal breaker all those years ago it isn’t one now. However, if she didn’t smoke when we got married and 15 years later she starts lighting up…then we will have a huge problem. So to summarize. Either get them to change what you don’t like before the ceremony or be prepared to live with it but if it’s something that happens after the I do’s, you have every right to let them know you’ve got a problem with them.