Have a joke you'd like to share?

Two nuns go riding bicycles around the Vatican. One nun says to the other, "Funny, I've never come this way before." The second nun goes, "Yeah, I know... it's the cobblestones."
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
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A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."
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Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a
condom about to give his wife some.
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,
"Whatcha doin' Daddy?"
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the
floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says.
Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"
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Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the fuck do you think?"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female. The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack." "No good telling me" replies the male egg, "I'm not hard yet"

THE ITALIAN ELBOW . . .

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

'You comma to de front door of the apartamenta. I am inna apartamenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.'

'Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

'What . . .You coming empty handed?'

Aside from Tony, all of these were sex jokes. Are these all sex jokes? Fine, I got a sex joke.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.

He thinks it's a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, Next Right.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: Sisters of St. Francis.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis. Serves You Right, You Sinner!

Forgiveness_Man wrote:

Aside from Tony, all of these were sex jokes. Are these all sex jokes?

No. They weren't. Yours wasn't bad though.

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher
told the man that this donkey had been trained in a
very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher).
The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say,
"Amen!" The man was pleased with his purchase and
immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's
instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The
donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The
donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man.
With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new
purchase. The man traveled for a long time through the
mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to
remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said
the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no..." "Bible...Church!... Please! Stop!!" shouted
the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He
was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer...
"Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before
I go off the end of this mountain, AMEN." The donkey came
to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
Hallelujah!" the man shouted.......
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An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one
drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully
cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them
into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of
his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes
a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he
begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them keep looking over and whispering "That
poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal
for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes
to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal
for the old couple. The old man replies that they're
just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.


The surrounding people noticed the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let
him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are
used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly
with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the
little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food
and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
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Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a
divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave
the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to
support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she
was crazy...I said she was fucking Goofy!
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Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they
just knew that they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married,
so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me
and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand
in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied,
"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny
replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we
can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with
a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old
enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie
makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about
60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had
put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment
trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have
an answer for.

After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems
like you have got everything all figured out. I just have
one more question for you. What will you do if the two of
you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well,
we've been lucky so far..."

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A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber
noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg
leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.
The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such
bad shape.

He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded,"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of
Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,"What about you
hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch.
How did you loose your eye?

The pirate answered,"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew
over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,

"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The
pirate snapped,"It was the day after I got me hook!"



_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

---

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

What does Ellen DeGeneres cook for dinner every night?




















































































































Nothing.......she eats out.

^^

Why She Changed Hotels - A Woman's Story
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled behind.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" ... Oh my, he sounded sooo great! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is a good time. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring toys, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Quote :

A blind man walks into a dinner and sits down at a booth. The Waiter walks up to his table.

"What can I get you today?" says the Waiter.

"I have a kind of strange request." says the blind man.

"What’s that?" says the Waiter.

"Can I have the unwashed fork of the person you waited on before me?" says the blind man.

The waiter thinks for a minute.

"Um ok" says the waiter.

The Waiter brings the blind man the fork and the blind man slips it into his mouth. He sucks on it for a short time.

"The meat loaf and mash potatoes are delicious I’ll have that" says the blind man.

The waiter is grossed out but also impressed he was right about the dish. The blind man eats tips very well and leaves. The blind man comes back the next two days in a row with the same request and both times he was correct about the dish of the person before him. The next day when he arrives the Waiter notices him walking in.

"Jenny, Jenny" the Waiter says flagging down a Waitress he works with.

"This time I wanna have some fun with this guy. Here put this into your panties." He says as he hands Jenny a fork. Jenny giggles and does as he asked. He walks but to the table with the fork in hand ready for the blind mans daily request. The blind man as always asks for the fork of the person waited on before him. The Waiter hands him the fork fighting his laughter. The blind man pops in into his mouth.

"hmmmmm." says the blind man sucking the fork for a short time

"I had no idea Jenny worked here!"

GrayWolf wrote:

A clown and a little boy are walking through a cemetery in the middle of the night. They hear a weird and spooky noise off in the darkness. The little boy squeezes the clown's hand and says, "It's dark, and I'm scared". The clown replies, "Hey kid, you think you're scared? I have to walk back out by myself".

GrayWolf wrote:

A clown and a little boy are walking through a cemetery in the middle of the night. They hear a weird and spooky noise off in the darkness. The little boy squeezes the clown's hand and says, "It's dark, and I'm scared". The clown replies, "Hey kid, you think you're scared? I have to walk back out by myself".

40 THINGS YOU’D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.

A customer in a Boston Irish pub goes up to another customer and says, "Excuse me, but where are you from?"
"Why I'm from Ireland," comes the answer
"No kidding? Why I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have a drink to Ireland."
And so they do.
Then the first customer asks, "And what city are you from?"
"Why, I'm from Dublin."
"You don't say. I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have a drink to Dublin."
And so they do.
Then the first customer asks, "And what school did you go to in Dublin?"
"Why, I went to St Mary's."
"It can't be! I went to St. Mary's, too! Let's have a drink to St. Mary's."
And so they do.
Then the first customer asks, "And what year did you graduate from St. Mary's?"
"Why, I graduated in 1964."
"This is incredible. I graduated in 1964, too. Let's have a drink to the Class of '64."
And so they do.
Another customer walks in to the bar and goes up to the bartender. "What's up, Mike?" he asks.
"Oh, nothing unusual," says the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."


Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in some cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses :

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he ?"

"Were you present when your picture was being taken ?"

"Were you alone or by yourself ?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war ?"

"Did he kill you ?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision ?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true ?"

"How many times have you committed suicide ?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of your baby) was August 8th ?"
A: "Yes"
Q: "And what were you doing at that time ?"

Q: "She had three children, right ?"
A: "Yes"
Q: "How many were boys ?"
A: "None"
Q: "Were there any girls ?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement ?"
A: "Yes"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also ?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon ?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir"
Q: "And you took your new wife ?"

Q: "How was you first marriage terminated ?"
A: "By death"
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated ?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual ?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard"
Q: "Was this a male, or a female ?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney ?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work"

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people ?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people"

Q1: "All your responses must be oral, OK ?"
Q2: "What school did you go to ?"
A : "Oral"

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body ?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30pm"
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time ?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy"

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas ?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel"

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample ?"
A: "I have been since early childhood"

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse ?"
A: "No"
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure ?"
A: "No"
Q: "Did you check for breathing ?"
A: "No"
Q: "So, then it was possible that the patient was alive when you begun the autopsy ?"
A: "No"
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor ?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar"
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless ?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere"

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!". The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is it headed?"


A woman walks walks into a drugstoe and asks the clerk, "Can you show me where the flashlight batteries are?".
The clerk says, "Sure.", and wiggled his fingers at her in a come-hither gesture.
"Come this way.", he continued.
The woman replied "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the flashlight batteries."


Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other. At about 2:00 am John was awaken by Bob, who was sleeping beside him, with a huge erection in his hand. "Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I think I'm going over to see my wife" Bob exclaimed. "Would you like me to come with you" John asked. "Why the fuck would I want you to come" Bob asked. "Because that's my cock your holding" John said


There were two gentleman playing golf one sunny day, when a funneral service came passing by. The first genlteman stopped playing, took off his hat and placed it over his heart. Well, the second gentlemen replied; "That has got to be the most respecting thing that I have ever seen you do". The first gentleman looked over to his friend and said, "We were together for 30 years, I owed her that much".


Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse casually stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

A priest, a rabbi, a nun, an Irishman, Scot, and Englishman all walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke"?

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

^^I was thinking of adding that one too but someone already posted it as a thread

This is the version of for Tony's peeing standing up that doesn't fall flat for me...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa to try and freighten him out of his wicked ways.

Swaying unsteadily, the man slurs, "You don't scare me...I married your sister."

A guy is sitting in a bar when he notices an attractive young lady sitting a few seats from him. He walks over and asks her if he can buy her a drink to which she angrily shouts, “You want to know if I’ll sleep with you?!” The stunned man slinks off to a dark corner of the bar to avoid the angry glares of the other patrons. A little while later, the same young woman comes up to him and says, “I want to apologize for embarrassing you like that before. You see, I’m a grad student and I’m doing my thesis on people's reactions to embarrassing social situations.” The man stands up and yells, “$200?!”

Jesus finds a small crowd who has surrounded a young woman they believed to be a prostitute. They are preparing to stone her to death. To diffuse the situation, Jesus says: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone." Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picks up a rock and scores a direct hit on the woman's head, breaking her skull and rendering her dead on the spot. Jesus frowns and looks over at the old lady: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."