Should Mothers Protect Their Kids From Knowing How Much of a Deadbeat Their Dad Is?

Do you think mothers should downplay how much of a deadbeat father their child has to him or her? While my father wasn't a deadbeat who ran from his responsibility....he had/has a lot of personality fuck-up's. Growing up my mother kept it real with me. I'm sure she didn't divulge everything, but she never made excuses or played down when he wasn't acting right.....and I appreciate her for it.

Should mothers be straight up with their young kids (10 and under) about how dad isn't likely to do the right thing, or let them have the fantasy that daddy won't let them down?

I think that they should for sure keep it age appropriate...I still don't trust a word that my mother and father say about each other because they both only see it from their own side IMO and I hated hearing about it!

thepossiblepolice wrote:I think that they should for sure keep it age appropriate...I still don't trust a word that my mother and father say about each other because they both only see it from their own side IMO and I hated hearing about it!

I agree. But with my parents, it was a little bit different because everything they said about each other was pretty much true, lol. Both of them have/had their faults and I could see that. Fortunately for me, I didn't grow up with a deadbeat father even though when I stopped living with him, I didn't see him all that often. But I have to admit what my mother would say about him, it took me longer to realize. Simply because I was a daddy's girl. But I get what she was talking about now. She said I would see for myself how him and his family really is in due time and she was absolutely right. One thing they never did though was try pit themselves against each other or tried to discourage me from each other. And I'm glad.

I don't think so. It's less likely the deadbeat dad get his act together before the kid figures out what a louse he is, no need to set them up to be disappointed because all along they had this false image. I heard a story once about a little boy who adored his dad and was the spitting image of him. In the meantime when the guy went to court on a child support issue, he walked in and said "I don't think the child is mine!" All to get out of having to pay. Just to prove the obvious they did a DNA test and of course the boy was his. The mom made up some cock and bull story when the boy asked why they had to do the test. She should have told him the truth, it's because your dad is a loser and doesn't want to take responsibility for the gift that is you. The guy didn't deserve his sons love and loyalty for that.

Nystyle709 wrote:

thepossiblepolice wrote:I think that they should for sure keep it age appropriate...I still don't trust a word that my mother and father say about each other because they both only see it from their own side IMO and I hated hearing about it!

I agree. But with my parents, it was a little bit different because everything they said about each other was pretty much true, lol. Both of them have/had their faults and I could see that. Fortunately for me, I didn't grow up with a deadbeat father even though when I stopped living with him, I didn't see him all that often. But I have to admit what my mother would say about him, it took me longer to realize. Simply because I was a daddy's girl. But I get what she was talking about now. She said I would see for myself how him and his family really is in due time and she was absolutely right. One thing they never did though was try pit themselves against each other or tried to discourage me from each other. And I'm glad.

I could have written that myself. I was a daddy's girl and I didn't believe my mom really...Then when I was grown and had a relationship with him again I realized that what she said was right, she just attributes it to different things because she had a different relationship with him than I did. For instance, him cheating on her= he is a womanizing ass (in her eyes) him cheating on her = he's a sad sack of a man and has really low self esteem and it leads him to make poor choices that hurt the people around him and now he has to pay the price...and I'm sad for him (from my perspective). I've watched him do the same thing over and over again to too many families though so I've got a different view than she does because of that too.

I think you should keep it kind of basic until they're older, like you don't try to defend them but you don't go into every last detail about what a hopeless bastard he is. But most kids are going to figure it out long before their parents tell them anything.

Supernova wrote:I think you should keep it kind of basic until they're older, like you don't try to defend them but you don't go into every last detail about what a hopeless bastard he is. But most kids are going to figure it out long before their parents tell them anything.

In situations like this, you have to put the child's feelings first and feed them what they can handle. If he adores his father, then crushing his perception of him because you have the amo to do it is not responsible parenting, but a power play. Is she just being honest, or is she trying to poison the child against his old man so that she'll have that much more dominance over the situation? All too often when mothers are matter of fact to their kids about how lowdown their fathers are, it's basically a sabotage. It can be next to impossible for a man with faults to compete against the one-sided image his child's mother has peddled to them, even if he wants to improve.

As stated, it should be kept age appropriate. And I feel like once a kid gets older, he doesn't need to hear about the deadbeat parent because that is something that he figures out himself...at a younger age than many would assume.

First, I take offense at the term deadbeat dad. My first reaction is to use the term dead brain mom. So, not to offend but if you want respect you should give respect. I find deadbrain moms expecting unreasonable demands of the fathers. Just because a judge says it , does not make it right or right for your children. Many deadbrain moms run off good fathers by not using their heads. If these moms know they need supplemental help to provide for her average income household, then they must know the average income father is not able to supplement her income if he needs to be supplemented himself. The judges don't even make an attempt to see how their orders are funded. They make the judgments and the schism between mother and father becomes greater. The child support orders are unfunded mandates. When it comes to average income men and women, there is no additional money called child support. However, both parents should have the same opportunity to provide for their own households with their own money and share the custody of the child. If both parents respect each other the child will get the best of both parents.

ITA with those who say it should be kept age-appropriate. The child's needs should come first and lying to the child will only cause more hurt in the end but being honest, while keeping it age appropriate, will allow the child to make his or her own decisions eventually but at least they won't have a fantasy dream of Dad as a hero or something he's not.