Having a hard time with Dad taking a girlfriend....

I am a bit embarrassed that at age 34, I have issue with Dad taking a girl friend. Mom passed five years ago. I did some soul searching to figure out why I am having issue.

I think it is because he never was all that nice to Mom. They fought a lot, he cheated on her during the marriage and I think that my issue lies in that I don't want to see him being all lovey dovey to some chick, when I was never afforded the opportunity to see him lovey dovey to Mom.

Does that sound right? Or do I sound nuts?

Please be honest. I really don't have anyone to ask about this, as I don't want to talk Dad down to anyone who knows him personally. My guy knows that Dad cheated on Mom years ago when I was a kid, but I don't want to drill that into him, so that it does not mess up how he looks at my dad today.

But, really, a big part of me wants to tell Dad that I want no part of this new chick because I can't stand to see him be nice to a woman when he was always so negative to my wonderful mom. So, not sure if this chick is going to stick or not.

But, I can't take away him being with someone, so I just don't know how to deal.

Anybody deal with something similar?

No, but in my opinion.....you need to chill out. I understand why you feel the way you do, but if he's a changed man......why can't he have happiness? Nobody likes being alone. Nobody wants to die alone.

I'm so sorry Red. You don't sound nuts at all. How you feel makes a lot of sense.

Something similar is happening with my dad. My parents are divorced but during their marriage, my dad was a real DICK to my mom and to us kids. A few years ago I visited my grandparents (his parents) during the holidays and he shows up with a GF (and his GF's little boy). He was a changed man, all smiles, laughs and sunshine. I felt a slight tinge of resentment.

I think your feelings are perfectly legitimate and understandable. It's always hard to have a parent move on, especially when he treated your Mom the way he did.

NY I know what you mean...he can be changed, but it is just so hard to see the change which, for me is too little to late, and with the wrong person....Alan, thanks for getting that.


Cat, you know just what I am talking about. How did you process that? I just don't know how I am going to.

My dad drinks, and he was all about inviting her by to see me the next day, while he was tipsy. He KEPT asking, so I finally told him I would be fine, but he needed to stop asking me as it was making me uncomfortable. Then the next day came, nothing was said. But my intuition is telling me this chick is going to stick. She is 20 years younger, and is a drinker herself, so I am guessing she is, at minimum, in it for the land when Dad dies. Which at this point, wouldn't even devistate me. It is expected that I keep the land, so for her to marry him and screw me over on it, would almost be a blessing, as I don't know I can afford to keep it up upon his death.

But, of course, I am a total drama queen,and have already thought about being interviewed by Stone Phillips on Dateline about how she poisioned Dad to get the land. I know, I know, I am a nut, but she is a nobody from the town, and Dad is one of the important people.

Thanks, TSJ. It is hard, especially having been the only child to deal with that b.s. When I was very young, I had to deal with the death of his mistress. She died of liver cancer. I was young, but I still recall him grieving for her.

So, such a big part of me wants to tell him, "Sure, introduce me to your new girlfriend, since I don't remember meeting Kathy." Though, I did meet her, but don't recall it. I only know I met her as I recall meeting her dad, taking Dad and I to her house.

It's sad that he didn't treat your Mom better. If he wanted to be with another women, the decent thing would have been to divorce her, not carry on an affair. You're being very gracious toward your father and very understanding.

I had to LOL at the Dateline comment. Let us know if you make it on the show so we can tune in and support you. With her being that much younger, I don't blame you for wondering. Sounds like she's closer in age to you than your Dad.

LOL, TSJ..I already had to "deal" with a legitimate gold digger. Your mind would spin on how middle age women in that town plan retirement. It is all about the land of a widower. One actually turned up two days after Mom's service. Luckily, Dad wasn't into that...otherwise a chica who bears resemblence to Mimi from Drew Carey's show woulda' been my new mommy....Another turned up two years after, and I got rid of that chick too. That one took more work, but luckily I schooled her tail after she hit on Travis, a guy one year my senior, while she was "committed" to Dad. She was easy to get rid of.

Yah, I may end up on Dateline, and if I do, ya'll will get notice. And if I don't end up on Dateline, I most certainly will end up on a Disney Channel special about kids who can not deal with step parents!! LOL

LOL Red - good for you for looking out for your Dad. I'm laughing at the picture this is painting. I know your Dad's not that old, but I'm thinking Anna Smith with that one gold digger who showed up right after the funeral. Have they no shame?

Edy was my Anna. Got rid of her in short order, but only because I knew how awful she was....LOl. I am the thirty something version of a bad Disney movie about her widowed dad!

Same thing kinda happened with me. My mom and dad divorced when I was 10 and I was glad and good riddance to my dad I thought. Then a few years later he married another woman and had kids with her. He's slightly better behaved with them than he was with us. i sorta resent that my 1/2 sibs get a slightly better dad and to make matters worst he continues to be a jerk where we're concerned but whatever. If he loves them more then good for him.

RedBedroom wrote:Edy was my Anna. Got rid of her in short order, but only because I knew how awful she was....LOl. I am the thirty something version of a bad Disney movie about her widowed dad!

LOL! You didn't want any wicked stepmothers who would give you poisoned apples or.... hmmm.... what else did those wicked step mothers do? I'm drawing a blank.

How do you really deal with that Robbie? Do you really feel that it is good for them? With no bitterness at the difference?

TSJFan4Ever wrote:

RedBedroom wrote:Edy was my Anna. Got rid of her in short order, but only because I knew how awful she was....LOl. I am the thirty something version of a bad Disney movie about her widowed dad!

LOL! You didn't want any wicked stepmothers who would give you poisoned apples or.... hmmm.... what else did those wicked step mothers do? I'm drawing a blank.

LOL, it is a small town, and that slut, Edy used to got to the bar, nightly to get laid. She at times, on boring weeknights choose Dad. So, on my first visit when she was in the picture, I got rid of her.

RedBedroom wrote:How do you really deal with that Robbie? Do you really feel that it is good for them? With no bitterness at the difference?

I don't quite know how i deal. My attitude towards my dad is almost wholly negative, so for the most part I'm numb and kinda tune him out. When you say is it good for them, I'm not sure I follow. Good for my dad you mean?

Robbie, I mis-quoted you. I thought you said, that if he loves them more than good for them. But you said "him"....tha was my mistake

RedBedroom wrote:LOL, it is a small town, and that slut, Edy used to got to the bar, nightly to get laid. She at times, on boring weeknights choose Dad. So, on my first visit when she was in the picture, I got rid of her.

have you ever watched "Desperate Housewive"? For several seasons they had this character on there called Edie. If you haven't seen the show, I think you'd get a kick out of her. If you have, you'll know what I mean - lol!

RedBedroom wrote:NY I know what you mean...he can be changed, but it is just so hard to see the change which, for me is too little to late, and with the wrong person

So you have a problem with the woman? I mean, he's grown. It's proven that people mature as they get older. It's unfortunate that your mother got the short end of the stick when it came to him and his affection, but I think it's selfish to want him to never have a companion, esp as he gets older. That's just a human need. Maybe in his own little way, he's making up for the way he treated your mother by not doing that to someone else. I dunno, just my two cents. My parents aren't together....and they're both single at this moment........but I know I'd definitely want that for them.

RedBedroom wrote:Cat, you know just what I am talking about. How did you process that? I just don't know how I am going to.

I think I just exhaled and let it go. In the end the way he treated my mom, me and my brothers will always gnaw at his conscience, no matter how much he tries to move on and play it down.

Nystyle709 wrote:

RedBedroom wrote:NY I know what you mean...he can be changed, but it is just so hard to see the change which, for me is too little to late, and with the wrong person

So you have a problem with the woman? I mean, he's grown. It's proven that people mature as they get older. It's unfortunate that your mother got the short end of the stick when it came to him and his affection, but I think it's selfish to want him to never have a companion, esp as he gets older. That's just a human need. Maybe in his own little way, he's making up for the way he treated your mother by not doing that to someone else. I dunno, just my two cents. My parents aren't together....and they're both single at this moment........but I know I'd definitely want that for them.

Thanks, NY for your very logical and rational post. I had time to reflect on it, and realize now that it is time for me to pull my big girl panties up, and respect his choices. I will not like him doting over another woman, but will respect it, and not make him feel like he has to keep me separate from a romantic choice.

We NEVER talk about personal shit, but I just added words about all this to a letter I sent with the latest pics of my son I wanted to mail. And I took the high road. I even told him that she is welcome in my home, which is a huge gesture by my selfish little self.

Red your a good person to accept something like that. My Dad cheated on my Mama since before I was born. While my Mama was still alive he continued to cheat on her with the same woman. He was seen around town with this woman and basically just disgraced the family. He and My Mama eventually did not live together (never legally separated, he got himself into trouble and could not live in that town anymore)but he still was with this woman. He treated us like shit our entire lives and this woman and her kids he put on a pedestal. I should not be mad or upset by this? You bet I was and so was my entire family. After Mama died he started coming out more with this woman, wanting to be invited to family functions (he was not) and could not understand why we would not accept the fact that this was his girlfriend or whatever the hell she is. Get this, the woman was married herself so what does that make her my father's whore? To make a long story short, she is divorced, my Mama is gone and he is old now. She never comes to see him anymore, their relationship is over the phone, she calls now and then to see how he is doing and in his mine, she is still his woman. She is no idiot this bitch, she saw my Dad could do no more for her and he was now sick and old and she backed out and figured let his kids take care of him.

We got into an argument once about this, he tried to blame my Mama for his affairs and I told him to shut his filthy mouth where she was concerned because she was not there to defend herself and I know he is a liar.

Would I ever have accepted this woman coming into my life, hell no and in my father's case now he is a miserable old man that is suffering because his kids don't like him and his woman has now abandoned him. I told him a few weeks ago, "Karma's a bitch Dad", I wonder if he knew what I was referring to.

Heavy stuff Tony. I'm sorry you and your sisters (and your mom) had to go through that.

alan smithee wrote:Heavy stuff Tony. I'm sorry you and your sisters (and your mom) had to go through that.

So am I. He is paying for his deeds now that he is old, I am not enjoying it but in his way he deserves what he is getting.