would you let your kids...

would you let your kids be around someone who was accused of child molestation?

I have a friend who has three kids, all two and under so not verbal. She met another guy and left her emotionally and physically abusive boyfriend (but it REALLY went both ways with them-I believe she was just as abusive to her boyfriend as he was to her-but her boyfriend was an ass). She lives with the new guy.

When she met the guy and moved in with him right away, I was really uncomfortable with it but minded my own business about it. I just got a weird vibe from him. I chalked up my weirdness about it to 3 things: 1.She told me WAY too much about their sex life, and the stuff that he's into are way outside of what I consider "normal" and I am someone who thinks that whatever two consenting adults do in their own bedroom is fine as long as they are not hurting anyone else, so I basically just laughed and was like "TMI". It's not harmful stuff, just not the "usual" stuff either. 2. I have a built in suspicion of any guy who hooks up with a woman with little kids. I don't like that I think that way, but I'm paranoid. I was molested as a kid, and I know that 1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted in her life time, many of them while they are children, so I'm suspicious. He may be an awesome guy, taking on all that responsibility because he loves her and wants a big family and he doesn't care about the fact that they aren't "his" kids and all that. I know those guys exist, but *I* personally wouldn't make the choices that she has made because I don't want a guy that I barely know to have that much access to my kids. Still, I didn't say anything because it's my issue not hers... 3. The guy is needy. When she was in labor, I was there and he was there. I was there to help her because she didn't have any other support person, except for him. She asked for her shoes, they were right by me, I handed them to her and then he got upset. She started crying and I was confused...She was crying because he was upset that I handed her the shoes! He was upset because HE WANTED TO HAND HER THE SHOES. Seriously? This woman is attempting natural child birth and you're making her cry over not feeling needed?? Anyway, I didn't say anything about that either. Then, she and I had plans to write a book together, and he talked her out of it. He told her that with all her time spent with the kids, if she was working on a book, she wouldn't have time for him.

Okay, so that's the background...

Now I just found out that her ex (the dad of the kids) took her baby to the ER because he suspected that the baby had been molested. I think that they didn't find blatant evidence of abuse because they didn't do anything...
I guess they said it was a diaper rash.

Anyway, I just feel REALLY uncomfortable with the guy now and I'm worried about my friend and her kids, but there is nothing I can do! They are getting married soon. They are madly in love, totally infatuated and all that and for all I know, he's a great guy...

But I don't want to bring my kids around him


I'm going to delete some of the details here after a bit, I just don't want her stumbling on this some how and hating me, which I know she would because she loves him SO much.

Do you think I'm being too judgmental and I shouldn't worry and that having him around at parties and stuff would be fine? Or should I just go with my gut?

Nope. The only way I would be willing to excuse a child molestation accusation would be if I knew them personally, felt that it wasn't something that they would do....and....the accusation was proven false.

Marc wrote:Nope. The only way I would be willing to excuse a child molestation accusation would be if I knew them personally, felt that it wasn't something that they would do....and....the accusation was proven false.

That's the thing,I don't think that it CAN be proven false. You can molest someone without leaving a mark, kwim?

There is NO WAY IN HELL that I would leave any of my kids alone with him, but now I don't want them with both of them either, and I don't even think I want him around at all

I would need the accusers to either admit to making this up, or for the local authorities to (after a complete investigation) conclude that the accuser was lying. The accused would need to be in some way exonerated before I allowed him around a child of mine.

RiteDiva wrote:I would need the accusers to either admit to making this up, or for the local authorities to (after a complete investigation) conclude that the accuser was lying. The accused would need to be in some way exonerated before I allowed him around a child of mine.

Thanks. It's hard because I know the accuser has motivation to make it up and I don't want to punish my friend unfairly. I know that I will lose her as a friend if I ever said anything about it, and if I'm not around him, I'm not going to be around her so I'll lose her as a friend anyway even if I don't.

But my first obligation is to my children and it's not a risk I'm willing to take.

First instinct is always the correct one to go with. You can still hang out with him and your friend....just make sure your husband stays with the kids.

Marc wrote:Nope. The only way I would be willing to excuse a child molestation accusation would be if I knew them personally, felt that it wasn't something that they would do....and....the accusation was proven false.

though I think I understand that this isn't exactly your situation, TPP. You said, "I know that I will lose her as a friend if I ever said anything about it". How did you find out? From her ex? I don't think it's unreasonable to let your friend and her current boy friend know how you feel. If they're offended and you lose her as a friend...oh well. If I was in the accused position, I would be far more concerned about who was making the accusation than if someone else I knew didn't trust me around their children. On second thought, that's not altogether true. If I was the one in Marc's example, it would hurt me if someone who knew me well suddenly didn't trust me because someone else made an unsubstantiated accusation. I'd insist on knowing who was talking about me. Did the ER get the police involved? Trust your gut.

alan smithee wrote:

Marc wrote:Nope. The only way I would be willing to excuse a child molestation accusation would be if I knew them personally, felt that it wasn't something that would do....and....the accusation was proven false.

though I think I understand that this isn't exactly your situation, TPP. You said, "I know that I will lose her as a friend if I ever said anything about it". How did you find out? From her ex? I don't think it's unreasonable to let your friend and her current boy friend know how you feel. If they're offended and you lose her as a friend...oh well. If I was in the accused position, I would be far more concerned about who was making the accusation than if someone else I knew didn't trust me around their children. On second thought, that's not altogether true. If I was the one in Marc's example, it would hurt me if someone who knew me well suddenly didn't trust me because someone else made an unsubstantiated accusation. I'd insist on knowing who was talking about me. Did the ER get the police involved? Trust your gut.

She didn't tell me about it when it happened, I found out on Facebook today when she was complaining about having to pay the bill for the ER.

I didn't ask any questions about it or comment on it, because I already felt creepy about him and now I just feel MORE creepy about him.

When they first got together, I told my husband my concerns...But then I told him one of the things that they are into is him pretending that he's a baby and nursing, and he was like "Oh well that is probably why he wants to be with her then, I'm a whole lot less worried about it now, if you're into nursing and you don't want to find a prostitute who is lactating, then finding a pregnant lady who wants to break up with her boyfriend is perfect..." So I just dismissed my concerns but haven't ever felt "good" about the guy either.

She is SO infatuated with the guy and I'm happy for her, but unfortunately she's not in a place where she would want to hear any concerns about him.

If it was this vague accusation that wasn't proven one way or another, then the most I would do is let them be come around when I or someone I trusted was present to monitor the situation but I wouldn't let them be alone with someone who was accused of it. Even if it leaned in the direction of them seeming more innocent than guilty.

Jason B. wrote:If it was this vague accusation that wasn't proven one way or another, then the most I would do is let them be come around when I or someone I trusted was present to monitor the situation but I wouldn't let them be alone with someone who was accused of it. Even if it leaned in the direction of them seeming more innocent than guilty.

Yes, I agree. I definitely wouldn't let him be alone with my kids, even before I found out about the accusation.

thepossiblepolice wrote:Yes, I agree. I definitely wouldn't let him be alone with my kids, even before I found out about the accusation.

See, it sounds like you already went with your gut. LOL, from what you've revealed about his sexual inclinations I would probably have a tough time just hanging out with them and keeping a straight face.

alan smithee wrote:

thepossiblepolice wrote:Yes, I agree. I definitely wouldn't let him be alone with my kids, even before I found out about the accusation.

See, it sounds like you already went with your gut. LOL, from what you've revealed about his sexual inclinations I would probably have a tough time just hanging out with them and keeping a straight face.

LOL, I just don't think about it.

That is so tough. But you are making the best choice to keep your kids clear of him. Even if all this is false, you are Mom and Moms are rarely wrong when they feel something is amiss.

Marc™ wrote:Nope. The only way I would be willing to excuse a child molestation accusation would be if I knew them personally, felt that it wasn't something that they would do....and....the accusation was proven false.

Agreed and I hate myself for saying this, but there is no way I would have let my kids go to Neverland.

femme fatale wrote:

Marc™ wrote:Nope. The only way I would be willing to excuse a child molestation accusation would be if I knew them personally, felt that it wasn't something that they would do....and....the accusation was proven false.

Agreed and I hate myself for saying this, but there is no way I would have let my kids go to Neverland.

Oh, me either.