News I learned today

Sorry this is long...

I think I mentioned it here a time or two that I had an abusive ex. I was 20, he was much older. I stayed with him for way too long because I was young and not a strong person when it came to his threats. So, that was that. Once I finally got my mind straight, he stalked me for a very long time, up until I was a few months pregnant with my son. I tried to get a restraining order when I was pregnant but because it had been so long since he had physically abused me, which I never reported, I could not get one.

Finally, he just stopped. But I always feared seeing him in public with my son, which did happen one time. I saw him from a distance at the city fireworks one year but he did not see me. Even though it has been over 12 years since I heard his voice, I always worry about him seeing me and it all starting again. I look him up online a few times per year, just to see if there is anything about him online and have checked the court records just to see. I did find out through a friend that he had a child and was living with the mother. Also through court records about two years ago, I learned that he had felony child endangerment charges against him. When I heard about that, it really freaked me out for a while. I felt so bad for this woman who had his child and wondered what hell she went through.

So, anyway, today while I ate my lunch, I realized that I had not looked his name up online in a few months, so I did. The first thing that came up was a link to the paper’s website. It was his obituary. He’s dead. It said he died unexpectedly on Feb. 28th. I suspect it was drug related as cocaine use was one of the many things I found out about him when I tried to get him to leave me alone. But I guess it could be anything. The only detail other than “died unexpectedly” is that the family thanked one of the hospitals in the obit.

It is just crazy to me that today is the day that I never have to ever again fear seeing him in public. I don’t have to wonder if the people I do business with know him. I don’t have to think about him ever being near me. It is just the most surreal thing.

I feel bad for his kids and if he changed and was good to people, I feel bad for the people who loved him. But I am just so relieved that I never ever have to think I see him in a crowd or that when someone taps me on the shoulder it’s him.

Girl I completely understand. And mean as it may sound you are so much better off without that burden to drag around. It may not make sense to anyone that hasn't lived through the abuse & the threats or at least witnessed it with someone else but thank goodness that nightmare is behind you.

Wow. That's crazy. I don't know even know what to say. I'm glad you have peace of mind though.

Rest easy now Red.

Good! Glad that SOB is gone!

Thank you guys so much. Yeah, it is just the strangest thing to know it is totally over. No more worry. I just feel like telling everyone I know right now this news because I feel so relieved. But that is not exactly something you call freinds about and my guy is out of town. So, it was such a nice relief to type it all out!

Thank you Shale. The way I am seeing it is that even if he was changed, that never pertained to me. What did pertain to me is how terrible he was to me. The more and more I am reflecting back on it this evening, I really don't feel bad one tad about speaking ill of him now that he is dead. I had no power in his fate, it was all him. So whatever brought him to his early demise is not on me. But feeling safe, totally and completely, for the first time in 15 years, is something I own tonight.

When I moved into this house, which is two floors, it had been five years since I dealt with him. Still even for the first year I lived here, I could not sleep on the second floor, so I slept on the couch, as I had to be close to the front door, due to being conditioned to need to be by the door.

The thing is, if I had ever been open enough to anyone to tell just how much he messed me up, I would have someone to tell how huge this day is, and they would get it. I am just over the moon happy that I don't ever, ever have to think about him ever again. It is just amazing that today I know he will never look at my son. I never thought I would have this peace when my son was still a child.

I'm so glad you don't have to live in fear anymore, Red. I wish you'd been able to talk about it when it happened but I'm glad you can talk about it now and that you no longer have to worry. I hope for his kids' sake, he straightened up, but it doesn't sound like it.

Thanks, TSJ...I truly hope that he died a good man to his family, but I don't have high belief in that. I suspect that all this was a relief to his wife and children. Had the obit. read that he succumbed to a battle with cancer, maybe? But I think he over dosed. Or maybe his previous years of drugging made his heart weak. I don't know, I don't care.

Yeah - at least he's gone and you don't have to worry anymore. If they just say "suddenly" and nothing else, that would make me think you might be right about him ODing, 'cause usually they'll say died in a car accident or after a brief battle with cancer or whatever. Glad you can finally have peace and not have to worry about him suddenly showing up.

That's a surreal story; very poignant. I imagine that the whole thing is an 'exhale' moment for you; letting go of the paranoia, and reconciling that that book is definitively closed now, while at the same time breathing out a frustrated sigh over the negative life he led that unfortunately involved you. No matter what head space he was in at the time of his passing, just be grateful that you are in a better place than you were the last time you dealt with him.

Red that story blows my mind and I am sorry you had to endure that. At least now you can wake up in the morning and have peace of mind that you don't have to worry about this anymore.

Thank you so much, Tony and Chris.