Sex-Crazed Man Crashes Into Adult Store, Steals $800 Vagina

‘Sex-Crazed Loser’ Crashes Into Adult Store, Steals $800 Vagina

Felonious, hypersexual people just can't stop crashing into the AdultMart of Brownhelm Township, Ohio to steal sex toys! In the latest incident involving theft at the popular sex-stablishment, a man stole a semi and crashed it into the place, making off with a $800 "life-like masturbator complete with female genitalia with legs and buttocks."

According to WOIO newsman Harry Boomer, whose name is a perfect reporter's name, the thief seemed to have had the exxxpensive toy precisely in mind when he crashed his red stolen semi into the AdultMart at around 2 AM on Monday morning. He only got about a quarter-mile from the 'Mart when police caught up to him, still in the truck—but with the sex toy missing. Somehow he made a quick getaway on foot, and now local authorities are looking for him and the toy, which he probably just left with his dad or something.

This is not the first time someone's crashed into the AdultMart to steal sexxxy things: in 2009, a man crashed his car into the store to steal a similar toy, "albeit a far less costly model," reports the Chronicle-Telegram. Not so coincidentally, the population of women in Brownhelm Township, Ohio is zero.

"Drop a dime on this fool," says Harry Boomer, whose report describes the thief as a "sex-crazed loser," a "freak," a "pervert," and a "sexual deviant." Sounds like Mr. Boomer's ready for a promotion to the big leagues.

Alan Smithee wrote:I have my alibi. How about the rest of you?

Alan Smithee wrote:I have my alibi. How about the rest of you?

Chris wrote:

Your alibi sold you out! Where did you stash the doll?