Years ago I wrote an article for a nudist publication on this subject.
Things That Go Bump In The Water
A Scary Story by Shale Stone
22 July 2001
As an avid beachgoer, who likes to get his all-over tan at Haulover, some of my beach friends have noticed that no matter how hot, humid and windless the day, I stay on the beach and do not join the throngs in the water. OK, I'm mildly phobic of being eaten or even being snacked on by a shark.
(SNIP - Long section on shark attack stats)
On my summer visits to Mississippi, my Aunt Sarah didn't help alleviate my apprehensions about creatures in the depths. When my male cousins and I were going off on our explorations of the countryside, where there were any number of ponds and streams to skinny-dip in, Aunt Sarah would always warn us "Don't let the turtles get your worm!"
We were very aware of what lived in the ponds and streams, having frequently seen the snakes and turtles that would slip off the logs near the water when we arrived. There was also the mean looking snapping turtle, which could have been a real menace if it decided your foot was too close to where it was lying on the bottom. I remember watching as some older cousins were playing with a huge rock of a beast. The turtle finally grabbed the stick they were teasing it with and snapped it in two. Pause to think what it would be like if that stick were your foot. Or worse, your worm.
Which brings me to a whole other realm of phobia for men. While swimming naked in the ocean with a deep, dark, all-over tan might protect you from the notice of sharks, what's protecting your worm from some smaller hunter. On July 15th, there was a headline in The Miami Herald's "Around South Florida" that read, "Beachgoer attacked by unidentified fish." The article said that a fish nipping at his toes in the ocean, ended the day at the beach for this man. Just before 1 p.m. the fish bit the man's foot and he was transported to the hospital to undergo minor surgery. The Miami Beach Patrol could only speculate on whether it was a barracuda or a bluefish. They also said that these cases were isolated but this was the second one of the summer.
OK guys, how many of you just thought about appendages other than toes that this nibbling fish might have tried at Haulover? Can you think of any Prince Albert?
These things do happen you know. Fortunately, not that often in North America. However, on July 6th 2001, there was a news report in the Herald Sun (Australia) of two Papua New Guinea fishermen who bled to death after some piranha-like river fish bit off their penises. Apparently the fishermen were doing what so many beachgoers at Haulover do; run out in the water to take a leak. The fish, it seems, exhibit the piranha's trait of following a trail of urine in the water, swimming to its source and then taking a bite with its razor sharp teeth. No one yet knows exactly what the piranha-like fish is, or how it showed up in Asian waters, but needless to say the fishermen are terrified. They will probably start wearing clothes in the water, and piss before going in.
As if this trait of the piranha wasn't enough for the poor naked inhabitants of the Amazon area of South America, they have another nasty little fish reason to cover their genitals, and this one could affect women as well. There's a parasitic fish, a member of the catfish family about an inch long, called the Candirus Vandellia Cirrhosa. According to Encyclopaedia Britannica, it too follows a urine stream to the victim, but enters the urethra when it gets there. Once in the urethral passage it erects the short spines on its gill covers and can only be removed by surgery.
Humans are not the intended victim, but just like those who are tasted and spit out by sharks, it hurts nonetheless. These little fish were designed to seek out the nitrogen that would lead them to the gill chambers of other fish where they would lodge themselves and feed on the host's blood. However, it can't distinguish gill nitrogen from pee and sometimes go into the wrong hole.
Thought you all might appreciate this bit of information. As for me, I'll continue laying on the beach getting rid of tan lines in case I ever find myself in shark infested oceans. And, although I hate to sound like Aunt Sarah, I'd advise you watch your worm when it wiggles around creatures of the deep.
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That was great Uncle!!!!!
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