How do you think the elderly (figure 75+) should be cared for? At a certain point, do you think it's necessary that insurance companies be accountable for providing hands-on assistance, in the form of an independent caretaker? Should a ninety-plus year old be legally allowed to care for themselves without any interference?

My father is old and is NOT capable of taking care of himself. I have a home attendant with him 24/7. Insurance companies should be accountable for taking care of the elderly but you would not believe what you have to go through. Medicare does NOT pay for homecare for more then a couple of weeks and 4 hours a day and this is only after a hospital stay. You have to apply for Medicaid and make sure that there are no assets in their name. Medicaid will take a chunk of their social security and leave them with barely no money to survive on unless they get under 500 dollars a month in SS, then they are considered on the poverty level. Medicaid takes almost 600 dollars a month from my father's social security and after paying all his bills he has about 50 dollars to survive on. If they find out that the elderly person has children they harrass you, call you, write letters to you, expect you to support the elderly person, its a whole big mess. I can write a book on what I have gone through with Home attendants that are worthless, steal from the elderly, just sit and watch TV all day, are practically illiterate, its just one whole big mess to get involved in. I said to my brother one day if I live to be as old as Dad I think I will just commit myself to a nursing home or shoot myself rather then go through all this nonsense.

Nystyle709 wrote:

Yeah, it's ridiculous Tony. Like I said before, this country doesn't give a damn about it's elderly citizens. No wonder we don't live as long as the Japanese or other countries. And there needs to be a major crackdown on these nursing homes cause they really do abuse the people who are there. I pray that when my parents get too old to care for themselves, I'd be financially well off to provide a private nurse for them. I don't want to put my folks in a home.

Your damn right they don't care about elderly citizens, they are human beings too. Its like when you trip over 75 years old you become worthless. A major crackdown needs to be done on the entire medical system including the nursing homes. The phenomenal amount of money they collect from Medicare and Medicaid is just absolutely unbelievable. Semi private room, 1,200 a day!!!! I watch all the statements that come in from Medicare for my father and I just stare at them in awe and wonder how they get away with it.

NY when your parents get old, try Assisted Living for them first, a private nurse would bankrupt you eventually. in AL they have staff that will help the elderly whether its with shopping, bathing, eating, Doctor appointments, etc. My father would not go in assisted living because he insisted that the next step was that we were going to put him in a nursing home which was not true at all.

I think it depends on how capable they are of taking care of themselves. One their condition starts to deteriorate I think that's when the government needs to step in and help out. Everyone should be provided with the same, basic level of care. My grandma was in one home for 3 years and it was fine. She spent her last 9 months in a wonderful care home that truly did the best they could for her. They really cared about the residents and gave my Grandma the best possible care. The other home was fine, but it was in a larger city, with many more residents, so it didn't have the person touch that the last home did. The workers did the best they could, but there were several hundred of them, vs. the 20 or so in the home where my Grandma spent her final months.

I come from a very large family on both sides, so thankfully my elderly grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc are well taken care of because there are those who relatives are extra family-oriented and are willing to go the extra mile to provide extra care for them. Whether it be allowing them come live with them, or making sure they are regularly checked on. Unfortunately not all seniors are so lucky.

My grandmother is 91 years old and had been living with my mom for 10 years. It wasn't supposed to be that way, but family conflict and broken promises led to my mom being stuck being her primary caregiver while my aunts only play lipservice. For the past year my mom has been having a REALLY hard time keeping up with my grandma's care. My grandma isn't handicap or anything and is healthy for her age but she's 91, so that only means so much. She moves around with a walker and has to be watched. Her meals have to be prepared for her, she has to be assisted in bathing and so on and so forth.

Anyway at the end August, my grandma (stubborn as she is) tried to prepare her own dinner. In the kitchen, she reached for something in the cabinet and wound up loosing her balance, falling down. This wasn't the first time she's fell, but this time wasn't good. I just happen to be home (I was the only one there with her. . .my mom and stepdad were at work and my brothers and sister were out) and heard the THUD on the floor and was able to help her up. So everything seemed a little ok after that. She complained of a little soreness but didn't seem real hurt. I made her dinner and when it was over I pushed her back to her room . . . her walker has wheels and she can sit down on it. Everything was ok until about 3 hrs. later when fell again trying to change into her night clothes. Again I was there and came to her aid and got her back on her feet. Once more my grandma played it off like "ooops". A short time later, my mom came home and I relayed all this back to her. My mom just let out a frustrated sigh and started casually unloading about how she doesn't think she can continue caring for my grandma because it's getting to be too much.

The story doesn't end there.

My grandma fell a THIRD time that night. This time while trying to get in the bed. She kept falling on that same spot. Earlier she kept downplaying her pain & acting like it wasn't a big deal but by now she's not able to do that and is OBVIOUSLY hurt. The last time she fell, my mom and stepdad were there to tend to her. My mom wanted to call 911 and get her to the hospital but my grandma protested, not wanting to go to the hospital. Against better judgment, my mom let it go for the time being but promptly called the paramedics to come get my grandma the next morning. Turns out my grandma had a broken hip from her 3 falls in the same night and had to undergo surgery. She made it through the operation, but she's STILL in recovery and hasn't been back home yet. She had to stay in the hospital for 3 weeks after her surgery and from there moved to a senior recovery center (basically a nursing home) for physical therapy. She's still there. She's doing ok considering, but she can barely walk or move. Who knows how long her recovery is gonna last and if she'll even be as well as she was before (which wasn't good).

My mom is at the end of her rope, not knowing what to do next. She doesn't want to put her in a nursing home for good, but it is seeming like there's little other choice because caring for her has become too large a task. My aunts don't help like they should (and originally agreed to). I work odd hours (sometimes in the day, sometimes at night), my mom and stepdad work afternoons/nights, and my sisters and brother are too young to be responsible and half the time are at sitters and friends houses. All too often my grandma is home by herself and this recent episode shows that she just can't be. She has to be watched ALL THE TIME. If she's at home alone, she'll try to cook and do other things that she shouldn't. She was lucky that I happen to be home that night she kept falling. Who knows what would have happened if no one was there.

Getting back to Chris' question. . . NO! a 90+ y/o person SHOULD NOT be living alone or taking care of themselves. They just cant.

This was quite timely. I just took 3-weeks off from work and spent most of Sept in Missouri, supposedly to stay with my 81-year-old mom while my younger sister (60)went to visit her grandchildren.

Well, before sis could go, we discovered mom couldn't walk one day. Called the ambulance and spent the day in the ER. Seems she had a hip fracture that had not separated so she got the pinning (three screws), a relatively simple operation.

Complicating things is my mom has dementia and is not eating. So, just like Robbie's grandmother, she is in "rehab" which is a nursing home and we don't know if she will die there or get to go live with my sister again. All depends on if she is cognisant enuf to eat and heal or if she continues wasting away.

It is ruff and I don't know how my sister and her husband deal. It also gave me pause.

I am ony 15 years younger than mom. I do not plan to go to a nursing home or live with dementia. If I find it coming on I will off myself, probably a couple years earlier than I would like, but don't want it to overtake me before I have the wits to tape up the B/R window and door cracks up before doing the charcoal in the hibachi. (Clueless ppl manage to kill themselves this way all the time by accident - but I fear it not going to plan)

It is a shame we do not have assisted suicide for ppl on demand. I would set up a list of questions and the day that I could not answer those questions is the day I get a sleeping assist - permanently.

I am a firm believer in quality of life over amassing more years as a mindless burden. It really pains me to see my mom not there any more.

Many of you have family that are in this position, and I am so sorry for your woes. I know how hard it can be.

Mom was not really old when she was no longer able to successfully stay at home alone, with Dad not there. I won't detail her medical situation, but she had home aides and we were lucky in a sense how it worked out for her. She had a history of brain injury, then injured it again in a bad fall. As the timing was, she was the first person in the county that had a brain injury after a new program had been implemented for county residents who had brain injury. So, she was the lone person in the county who got ALL of the services they offered, totally comped. Had all that not happened, Dad would have left her home alone when he shouldn't have and perhaps, I would have had to move home to take care of her.

Tony, I know just what you mean about caregivers that are impossible. I had to deal with a few myself over the years in regard to Mom. One in particular, tried to get into my parents' favor and get me out of the way. It was terrible.

But, back to the point, I think that insurances should have to do more in the way of footing the bills for long term care. But I am forced to wonder what a bigger mess the insurance industry would be if that were the case. Rates would go up, and the average family would not be able to afford insurance, if purchased privately. So, then, hospitals would be taking in greater annual loss and therefore, it would cause more rise in rates. And so it goes and so it goes. The health care system is such a mess and it is seemingly impossible to figure out what it would take to fix it before we are of that age.

It is a shame that in our society elderly people either have selfish families who won't do enough, or neighbors who would not do jack shit for a single, elderly neighbor. I come from the school of thought that we should do all we can for the elderly. I would never let my parents be in need. That just would not be an option.

Shale wrote:

It is a shame we do not have assisted suicide for ppl on demand. I would set up a list of questions and the day that I could not answer those questions is the day I get a sleeping assist - permanently.
I am a firm believer in quality of life over amassing more years as a mindless burden. It really pains me to see my mom not there any more.

RedBedroom wrote:

Many of you have family that are in this position, and I am so sorry for your woes. I know how hard it can be.

Mom was not really old when she was no longer able to successfully stay at home alone, with Dad not there. I won't detail her medical situation, but she had home aides and we were lucky in a sense how it worked out for her. She had a history of brain injury, then injured it again in a bad fall. As the timing was, she was the first person in the county that had a brain injury after a new program had been implemented for county residents who had brain injury. So, she was the lone person in the county who got ALL of the services they offered, totally comped. Had all that not happened, Dad would have left her home alone when he shouldn't have and perhaps, I would have had to move home to take care of her.

Tony, I know just what you mean about caregivers that are impossible. I had to deal with a few myself over the years in regard to Mom. One in particular, tried to get into my parents' favor and get me out of the way. It was terrible.

But, back to the point, I think that insurances should have to do more in the way of footing the bills for long term care. But I am forced to wonder what a bigger mess the insurance industry would be if that were the case. Rates would go up, and the average family would not be able to afford insurance, if purchased privately. So, then, hospitals would be taking in greater annual loss and therefore, it would cause more rise in rates. And so it goes and so it goes. The health care system is such a mess and it is seemingly impossible to figure out what it would take to fix it before we are of that age.

It is a shame that in our society elderly people either have selfish families who won't do enough, or neighbors who would not do jack shit for a single, elderly neighbor. I come from the school of thought that we should do all we can for the elderly. I would never let my parents be in need. That just would not be an option.

RB my Dad had to go through abouty 50 or 60 home attendants before he got the right ones. Most of them are just plain lazy and do not want to do anything. Plus my Dad is not the easiest person to get along with sometimes I wondered if he was lying about certain things just to get rid of the home attendant he had.

Selfishness is another thing that runs rampant in my family, there are only a few who will extend themselves to help out, most of my brothers and sisters forget that I had the same father they had. The excuses they come up with or they just don't bother doing anything. I have said to these few I hope your children are good to you when you are in Dad's posisiton.

Robbie maybe your Mom should look into getting a home attendant to help out if your Grandma does come back home. The social worker in the facility where your Grandma is now should be able to give her all the information she needs and to actually set it up.

Tony Marino wrote:

RB my Dad had to go through abouty 50 or 60 home attendants before he got the right ones. Most of them are just plain lazy and do not want to do anything. Plus my Dad is not the easiest person to get along with sometimes I wondered if he was lying about certain things just to get rid of the home attendant he had.

Selfishness is another thing that runs rampant in my family, there are only a few who will extend themselves to help out, most of my brothers and sisters forget that I had the same father they had. The excuses they come up with or they just don't bother doing anything. I have said to these few I hope your children are good to you when you are in Dad's posisiton.

Tony, you are put through the ringer with that. Glad you are doing it, as it seems nobody else will. It is hard to take on that role alone when there SHOULD be others to help.