Should the time comes when your parents start becoming more and more incapable of caring for themselves, would you be willing to allow them to move in with you (or you with them) to assume the position of their primary caregiver, or would you rather they be assisted by professionals?

Having been down that road already, I could not live with my father, it would have just been impossible since we just did not get along. I took care of him but had outside assistance as well. It was not an easy task, you had a full time job doing this, especially with the home attendants it was a full time job just keeping tabs on them, getting rid of the incompetent ones and try to find a good one. The massive amount of phone calls you have to make is just unreal. I was cleaning up recently and I must have found over 250 pieces of paper with phone numbers that I had called dealing with my father's health care.

Its over now, and I feel badly for anyone that has to end up taking care of their elderly parents but in the long run, you become much stronger, you have done a very good deed and you owe yourself a gold medal when its finished.

Shale wrote:

My mother is at that age and my sister in Missouri has a big home and tried that. It was a bad situation for everyone and mom is doing better in an assisted living place where non-relatives are caring for her. She has dementia and it is better she fight with strangers instead of with her kids.

My big concern is that if anything happens to my sister - mom's family support will be shut off. I am half a continent away and do not know my way around that stuff like my sister. IDK how easy it would be to transfer mom to a home down here - that is the only option.

Then you have to make sure the Home is not drugging her and won't end up killing her in the long run. Even when they are in a home someone has to keep on top of the people that work there because they just don't care.

Kral wrote:

No I can't see doing that. It's always IMHO better to let professionals tend to relatives with special needs. I'd always be involved and wouldn't throw my parents away, but I couldn't be their primary caregivers.

What I would like to know, since we KNOW that all rest homes do is lock the patients in their rooms all day and beat them up and say they fell, WHY should we, why should insurance, why should ANYBODY have to pay $1400 a week for that?

Shale wrote:

No they don't!

That is an overbroad indictment of ALL nursing homes. There are good ones and some direct care staff really have the best interest of the residents.

Well interestingly enough, NOBODY we know who has EVER had to have their parents put in a nursing home ever saw ANY place like that. All the ones we know about are the ones where 6 times a day somebody 'falls down' and gets bruises and cuts all over them.

The worst thing I saw in the Nursing homes was neglect. They dress the people then put them in their wheelchairs and line them up in the hall. Half of them always look drugged up. They tried to do it to my father, they were giving him methadone for "pain". My father was hallucinating from the drug and I blew my stack when I found out what they were giving him and ordered them to stop.

Also if the patient is not able to feed themselves, they make them wait and by the time the come, the food is usually cold.

If I had to I would, but not before exhausting all other options first. Just because someone knows their parents doesn't make them a therapist who's qualified to tend their specific needs. That's like a parent opting to play psychiatrist to their mentally disturbed kid. Professionals are there for a reason.

JM130ELM wrote:

If I had to I would, but not before exhausting all other options first. Just because someone knows their parents doesn't make them a therapist who's qualified to tend their specific needs. That's like a parent opting to play psychiatrist to their mentally disturbed kid. Professionals are there for a reason.

Its better to get some Professionals in the help with the care, it can take over your life if you don't.

My parents are dead, I assume old age carried my mother off, my father was cared for in a VA hospital till he died. I always thought that I would be the one to care for my beloved grandmother, but I ended up living far away and an aunt stepped up and took wonderful care of her.

For myself if I can't care for myself I will choose an assisted care solution.

Tony Marino wrote:

The worst thing I saw in the Nursing homes was neglect. They dress the people then put them in their wheelchairs and line them up in the hall. Half of them always look drugged up. They tried to do it to my father, they were giving him methadone for "pain". My father was hallucinating from the drug and I blew my stack when I found out what they were giving him and ordered them to stop.

Also if the patient is not able to feed themselves, they make them wait and by the time the come, the food is usually cold.

Here, ordering them to do anything wouldn't get you anywhere because you're not a doctor, you're not a professional, you don't know anything, you have no authority. That's the problem about nursing homes, once in there's pretty much no way out, and the family loses any rights with that member that they had.

Supernova wrote:

Here, ordering them to do anything wouldn't get you anywhere because you're not a doctor, you're not a professional, you don't know anything, you have no authority. That's the problem about nursing homes, once in there's pretty much no way out, and the family loses any rights with that member that they had.

You're just going to take your father out behind the shed with a shotgun anyway, right?

Alan Smithee wrote:

You're just going to take your father out behind the shed with a shotgun anyway, right?

I doubt I'll have to worry about him, his family members who DO live to see old age have a history of keeping sharp and active. His mother is 91, has broken both her legs, has a metal rod in one leg, carries a quad cane with her everywhere, and still gets up at 4 AM and does all the gardening, cleaning, cooks for the dogs and takes care of them and works her puzzles and reads books.

Hopefully, I'll have it like that where I can get them a private nurse. I don't want to put them in a home, but if I had to, I would find the best one available. But fortunately for me, my parents are relatively young. By the time they actually reach geritol age and unable to care for themselves, I won't be far behind. We'll be up in the nursing home together.