Tonight I get a call from my twenty-two year old cousin, whose always been like a little sister to me. She's very sweet, but she's also very insecure and clingy; she wears her heart on her sleeve and is neurotic about guys she likes liking her back. When she doesn't get their attention or they show no interest in her, she reacts like a dog that's been mercilessly kicked. The situation is sometimes worse when she does get their attention, because she sees it as validation. From there she becomes neurotic about keeping it and catches feelings *way* too soon. Consequently she's been taken advantage of a few times, but sometimes it wasn't even that serious; sometimes she (like we've all experienced) will meet someone, talk to him for a very short while, and for whatever reason it just doesn't go anywhere. From there, when the guy stops showing much enthusiasm or calling back, she's hurt because she had her heart on her sleeve by the second date.

To make a long story short:

For about a month and a half she's been talking to a guy she met in an AOL chatroom (I didn't know people still did that either, but I digress.) They've been out a few times, but it's been mostly chatting on the phone and communicating via email. According to her, they last spoke over the phone on Saturday afternoon. Tonight she was at the mall, and spotted this guy from a distance with another woman and had a semi-melt down. She calls me in tears, feeling cheated on. I asked her how she didn't know if that was his sister or platonic friend, and she responded that their body language was too obvious.

As she explains the situation it becomes clear to me that–despite their on-going rapport–their 'relationship' was never actually a relationship. It never advanced beyond the talking stage. At no point did they establish a commitment; their interaction has largely been over the phone and internet. However, her infatuation with him has become a borderline quiet obsession and she's desperate for his continued attention. I'm trying to be empathetic, but my critical mind is telling me that the whole thing is silly; that she needs to get a grip on herself and stop clinging so hard to a guy she barely knows and has only been out with twice in two months. It also becomes clear to me that she just wanted him to care about her, and to be as infatuated with her as she is him.

I told her to calm down, to pull back, and to recognize the situation wasn't as crucial as she made it out to be. That if she continues talking to this guy, she needs to stop looking at him like a boyfriend, and instead like an informal dating contestant. She was calmer by the time we hung up, but bad habits are tough to break, so I know that she'll continue being hurt over this foolishness.


Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever become obsessed, or prematurely infatuated with someone you were only in the 'talking stage' with?

I'm a commitment-phobe so not really.

If I was ever infatuated to obsession it was only because of their looks and it was only briefly. I can't think of a time when I ever got my feelings hurt over it. Not really. Your cousin has major security issues she needs to work out.