A few weeks back I was talking to a friend of mine who is married and has three kids. I became friends with this person several years ago when I worked at the same medical supply that she works at. We became close and I got to know her husband and three kids well. Her youngest child is handicapped and despite having health insurance and getting some benefits, my friend and her husband don't have a lot of extra money for vacations and that sort of thing. The last time they took a vacation was before having the youngest child. My friend's oldest child is a 15-year old boy.

One day, the mother of the best friend of the 15-year-old called my friend and asked my friend if it would be ok if they took her son this summer on a trip to Disney World. The best friend and his family travel around quite a bit and the best friend wants my friend's son to go with them on this trip. The best friend's mom told my friend on the phone, that she knew that the family doesn't go on vacations and that they would willing to take her son on vacation with them so he can have a good time for a week.

My friend feels really offended about the situation. She told me that both she and her husband at times feel inferior because they can't give their kids vacations or some other expensive things. She said that felt insulted by the other mom. The invitation for the trip is still open but my friend and her husband don't know what to do. I'm wondering what other people would do in this kind of situation?

That's a tough one. I wouldn't be offended, but I would probably decline. I would never live it down if one of my kids got to go to Disney World and the others didn't. I might feel bad that I couldn't give my kids a trip to Disney World too though

I don't understand people who are offended by generosity. Take the gift and pay it forward! I have only two children, and I know they have not had all the same experiences in life, and they will continue to have different experiences for the rest of their lives. I would let the kid go.

Shale wrote:

Did I understand right that the best friend of the boy invited him to go with them to Disneyworld?

Two 15-year-old boys - best friends - at Disneyworld together?

Let the kid go! You will never live it down if you separate the boys for a week of fun.

And you get the benefit of letting the other parents have to deal with all the miscief.

The best friend wants my son's friend to go and the mom invited the son when she talked to my friend.

I think she should let him go. My folks did that with my friends back in the day. If they were taking me somewhere and I asked to bring a friend, they'd allow it. I understand how they might feel about it, but if this is his chance to go to DisneyWorld, let him go. Would they feel differently if it was a school or church trip?

Nystyle709 wrote:

Would they feel differently if it was a school or church trip?

i agree with most and say let him go

I took friends on vacations with me when i was a kid - nothing fancy like Disneyland, but from my parents point of view, it was a great idea as I had someone to amuse me and they didn't have to worry so much. I wouldn't be offended by this. I might feel bad that I couldn't afford fancy vacations, but I think I'd also see this as a chance for my son to experience something I couldn't easily give him.

My parents were pretty generous people and when my brother was playing tennis, it wasn't unusual for my Dad to take my brother's best friend along on the tournament tours, as both boys played. He knew the Dad wouldn't take the boy and it was the onyl chance to boy would have to play outside of our town. They were mainly camping, so it wasn't a huge expense, but he still paid for food and travel and even the tournament fees. The sad thing is, as the boys got older, the Dad didn't support the boy and he got into a lot of trouble and also ended up fathering a child by the time he was 18. It hurt my parents, because my brother and this kid were ALWAYS together while growing up but when the boys were goign into high school the Dad insisted his son come to his school, not the school where my brother and all of their friends were going. That's when things really went downhill and when the boy's sister was allowed to chose her school two years later, he really started rebelling. My brother went on to get a sports scholarship and this kid, who was VERY bright, barely graduated because he got mixed in with the wrong crowd.

Nystyle709 wrote:

I think she should let him go. My folks did that with my friends back in the day. If they were taking me somewhere and I asked to bring a friend, they'd allow it. I understand how they might feel about it, but if this is his chance to go to DisneyWorld, let him go. Would they feel differently if it was a school or church trip?

My friends' kids never go on school trips because they usually can't afford for them to go.

TSJFan4Ever wrote:

I took friends on vacations with me when i was a kid - nothing fancy like Disneyland, but from my parents point of view, it was a great idea as I had someone to amuse me and they didn't have to worry so much. I wouldn't be offended by this. I might feel bad that I couldn't afford fancy vacations, but I think I'd also see this as a chance for my son to experience something I couldn't easily give him.

My parents were pretty generous people and when my brother was playing tennis, it wasn't unusual for my Dad to take my brother's best friend along on the tournament tours, as both boys played. He knew the Dad wouldn't take the boy and it was the onyl chance to boy would have to play outside of our town. They were mainly camping, so it wasn't a huge expense, but he still paid for food and travel and even the tournament fees. The sad thing is, as the boys got older, the Dad didn't support the boy and he got into a lot of trouble and also ended up fathering a child by the time he was 18. It hurt my parents, because my brother and this kid were ALWAYS together while growing up but when the boys were goign into high school the Dad insisted his son come to his school, not the school where my brother and all of their friends were going. That's when things really went downhill and when the boy's sister was allowed to chose her school two years later, he really started rebelling. My brother went on to get a sports scholarship and this kid, who was VERY bright, barely graduated because he got mixed in with the wrong crowd.

The best friend of my friend's son has a 9 year old brother so I can see why he would want my friend's son to go with his family on the trip. My friend and her husband really feel bad about not being able to give their kids vacations and other things. Their youngest child has cerebral palsy and a few health problems. For a couple of years after her birth, they had some high medical bills and they had to borrow money from their parents, relatives and fundraisers were held for them. Right now they are able to have bills covered and certain expenses covered. But they don't have much money for certain luxuries. My friend right now doesn't like the idea of people helping them out financially.

The cruddy part of this is the way the inviting mother worded it. She should have been more graceful and explained that it would be very fun for her son if he had a friend along. That would have been the way to do it.

My thought process on this is that if I couldn't afford to fly to where they are going (or get there fast by car, depending on how far they are from Disney) she may want to rethink it because of that. Anything could happen and they may need to get to him fast, and it would be very unfortunate if they didn't have the means to make that happen. And I say that because my son has been asked on another family's road trip vacation, and I didn't want to risk having to spend a ton of cash to get there should he have an injury or illness.

RedBedroom wrote:

The cruddy part of this is the way the inviting mother worded it. She should have been more graceful and explained that it would be very fun for her son if he had a friend along. That would have been the way to do it.

My thought process on this is that if I couldn't afford to fly to where they are going (or get there fast by car, depending on how far they are from Disney) she may want to rethink it because of that. Anything could happen and they may need to get to him fast, and it would be very unfortunate if they didn't have the means to make that happen. And I say that because my son has been asked on another family's road trip vacation, and I didn't want to risk having to spend a ton of cash to get there should he have an injury or illness.

I agree I thought the other mother approached my friend in the wrong way and her wording was cruddy like you mentioned.

You also bring up a good RedBedroom, my friend and her husband wouldn't have the money to get to their son fast if something happened.

Yeah - it seems the wording was an issue but maybe the other mom was just really excited and grateful to not have to entertain her son all the time and wan't thinking about the wording. It's a tough situation. Wording can make SUCH a difference but perhaps the words hit harder because your friend and her husband are already sensitive about the issue and about their financial challenges. It's a tough situation.

TSJFan4Ever wrote:

Yeah - it seems the wording was an issue but maybe the other mom was just really excited and grateful to not have to entertain her son all the time and wan't thinking about the wording. It's a tough situation. Wording can make SUCH a difference but perhaps the words hit harder because your friend and her husband are already sensitive about the issue and about their financial challenges. It's a tough situation.

I do think the other mom might not have thought about what she was saying exactly. With my friend and her husband they are sensitive because of their financial situation. I can understand why they feel they way do. As I mentioned in above post, they had to accept quite bit of financial help years ago right after their daughter was born. They are grateful to those who helped them then but now they want to make sure that they can cover their daughter's needs without having to seek help from friends or relatives.

Yeah - I can see both points of view. I hope it doesn't damage the relationship between the two moms but it sounds like it might already have. THe burdens put on a family with a child with special needs go far beyond financial ones. It's tough on everyone.

I think Red has a very good point. It might have made things much easier for everyone if the inviters had made the less forunate invitees feel like they were doing them a favor by accepting the invitation. It might not have made them feel like they're a charity case.

TSJFan4Ever wrote:

Yeah - I can see both points of view. I hope it doesn't damage the relationship between the two moms but it sounds like it might already have. THe burdens put on a family with a child with special needs go far beyond financial ones. It's tough on everyone.

I can also see both points of view. As for the relationship between my friend and the other mom, there is probably some damage, but my friend and her husband aren't really friends with the other family. They get along well with each other and the only other times they talk are when their sons hang out together or at sporting events that the boys are in.

My friend and her family do have burdens because of the youngest child, but they love her a lot and are making the best of their situation.

That's good, then. Hopefully they'll be able to just move on, even if things aren't quite the same