I'd been thinking about it for a while. I've been trying SO hard to be happily married, pushing my feelings down and pretending that everything is fine because I didn't want to hurt him and I feel like a terrible person for not wanting to be married to him any more. I feel like the worst person ever...

I decided a couple months ago that I could only control my own behavior and started just going along with whatever he wanted in order to keep the peace, and he STILL picked fights with me (from my perspective) all the time.

Last week we had a stupid misunderstanding and he got so mad he dumped out all the houseplants, punched a hole in my guitar case that I had just gotten the day before, said he felt like blowing his brains out...I told him then that I wanted a divorce because he was acting crazy, but then we decided to try to work it out.

I told him I was going to be completely honest about my feelings from then on because the weight of trying to do it all myself was crushing me and it was SUCH a relief. But then over the week, I realized that my heart just isn't in it. I was reading my old blogs from the past 7 years and realized that we've had the exact same issues all along and in spite of 3 separate "treatments" of marriage counseling together, counseling apart, and both of us really trying, we just haven't made it work.

I used to feel like fighting for our relationship but now I just want peace. I just want to be done, and to have some hope for the future.

I feel like an awful person who is tearing her family apart, I feel like my world is crumbling around me and I am absolutely TERRIFIED of what I'm going to do, after 12 years being married, 10 of them a stay at home mom. But the relief that I feel is also huge. I feel horrible for hurting him, but getting it off my chest was so great that the relief seems to outweigh it.

I just can't stay married any more because of fear. It was killing my spirit and soul and it wasn't making me a good mom and it was making my kids really unhappy because we bicker or worse all the time.

I TRIED to stay for the kids, but I just can't do it

You have to do the thing that you feel is right. Staying together "for the kids" is never a reason to stay. They will pick up on things & it's better to be apart without the stress than to live in misery. This is the difficult thing for the woman who has been the stay at home mom for an extended period. It is petrifying to look out into a world where she has no job skills or has been out of it for very long. I understand, believe me & wish you well.

TPP, when I read the titled of your post, my eyes near popped out of my head. When I read it, my bottom jaw hit me in the chest. All I can say is how sorry I am and that I hope you all land on your feet. You have more than a few shoulders to lean on here. Hang in there.

Thanks so much guys...I really believed that it was best to try to stay for the kids, but it is KILLING me. It's just become to much. I can't do it any more and I know that our family isn't as peaceful as it could be because we aren't really happy. My husband feels blindsided

You know, TPP, a lot of people think they need to stay married for the sake of the kids, but I have never heard any of the kids then, or years past, say that it was good for them to be together when the parents were miserable.


Now, I know this is no time to be playing psychotherapist but I was just wondering, you've been married for 12 years, and I'm going to guess in the beginning things were good, but I gotta wonder and you'll excuse me for beign nosey, when did you notice things had gone wrong? I mean exactly how long has it been building up to this?

Supernova wrote:

You know, TPP, a lot of people think they need to stay married for the sake of the kids, but I have never heard any of the kids then, or years past, say that it was good for them to be together when the parents were miserable.


Now, I know this is no time to be playing psychotherapist but I was just wondering, you've been married for 12 years, and I'm going to guess in the beginning things were good, but I gotta wonder and you'll excuse me for beign nosey, when did you notice things had gone wrong? I mean exactly how long has it been building up to this?

I noticed right away. I've just been trying to fix it and it hasn't worked so I've been trying to be the one who makes everything okay and I just can't do it alone.

I think I was just REALLY stupid and kept having kids as a distraction:(

I'm so sorry to hear that, TPP. It sounds like you've done all you can. A marriage takes TWO people and they both need to be willing to work together, not one person doing all the work while the other does his own thing.

Sorry to hear that, but it's better to be miserable going through a divorce than to be a miserable staying in a bad marriage. At least in the former instance there's daylight on the other side.

thepossiblepolice wrote:

I noticed right away. I've just been trying to fix it and it hasn't worked so I've been trying to be the one who makes everything okay and I just can't do it alone.

You mean since the beginning of the 12 years?

Kral wrote:

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but that would be enough for me to pack the kids and leave that same night. He needs more help than you can give him if he's making comments like that. I can imagine that this is all very painful for you and stressful for the whole family, so I hope everything works out for you however you decide to go forward.

I have to agree, despite my family's great divorce record I don't recall anyone ever making a statement like that.

Sometimes you have to get out to save yourself and most of all the kids. My ex-wife and me did everything hard...loved hard, hated hard, drank hard and fought hard. The latter two resulted in the police once having to intervene. We'd try to come down off our anger long enough to send the kids back to bed when they'd come in scared about the noise made while we were throwing things against the wall and on the floor, but the worst was the next morning when they'd wake up and see evidence (broken tables, glass on the floor) of the confrontation we had the night before and would obviously try to not notice it. I think my oldest was relieved when we finally split up.

Sorry to hear about your marital troubles TPP. I can only imagine how nerve wrecking and heavy heartening this all is for you, but I think you're making the right decision. Even if it's just a long separation. Sounds like your husband needs to get his head together and time in a psychiatrists chair. As much as I'm sure you want to keep your family in tact, the well being of the kids has to come first and they don't need to be witness to their father having emotional outbursts and hear him threatening suicide.

Awww man, I'm sorry to hear that. You two need to be cordial for the kids, but there is no need to trying to make it work and don't stress yourself into trying. I hope everything works out well for you. And don't be scared of what you might do because you've been a stay at home mom all this time. You need to bounce so just do it. I'm sure you'll be fine.

That's sad to read tpp but focus on doing what you know is right (leaving).

Sorry to hear of your problems with your marriage TPP but you have to follow your heart and do what is best for yourself and the children. I know you will make all the right decisions.

Not to play the echo, but I am also sorry to hear about your marital problems TPP. From what you describe, though, I think you have little choice but to leave. The situation will never improve in waves aren't made. Maybe a separation will knock some sense into his head and put a bit of clarity and perspective in yours. I hope it all works out for you.

TPP, I am sorry to read that. When you said, "I used to feel like fighting for our relationship but now I just want peace." I knew exactly what you meant. I was that same way with my son's father many years ago. It just had to be over. So I ended it. Though ending it, I did have a perspective of him maybe learning from it, and had some sort of hope. We did get back together, but too soon, and things are not perfect, but they are so much better than they were five years ago. I know a lot about what you are going through, so if you need to talk more, feel free to PM.

This is not a sad occasion. I will not say I feel sorry for you. I would say that if you had decided to stay with this man.

There is beauty in showing independence, and your children would be worse off if you stay in a crappy marriage.

This warrants a smiley:

This warrants a pat on the back.

And you should be proud of yourself.

im sorry to hear that, things will work out the way it should.

Thanks so much for all the support! This has been the HARDEST thing I have ever done...I'm trying to stay strong for the kids in the midst of being...Well, harassed. All the stuff he did to bother me while we were married have definitely been amplified since I told him on Sunday and I swear if I hear one more time about how he's going to get a lawyer and "fight for the kids" if I mention going on welfare or alimony one more time then I am going to scream! I wouldn't mention it if he didn't keep saying that he doesn't want to support me financially! Now I have to give him receipts for any money that I spend and I am not allowed to buy anything for "myself"...

I'm not threatening him with anything...But he hears a threat in every conversation. *sigh*

I just keep hoping that it will get better.

But at least I now I have hope for the future.

He knows my name on here, is there a way that I can change it?

Has anyone witnessed those outbursts? That would probably be to your advantage. And if you or the kids are being threatened you know you need to get the hell out of there, right?

thepossiblepolice wrote:

He knows my name on here, is there a way that I can change it?

Probably delete this account and get another one, might ask Chris to be sure.