Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the
house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it,
looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into
her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to
the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid
computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground
again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks
around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman
notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of
hours.

The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the
priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot
father".

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it
in the boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish
is called - a sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I
caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have
it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head
mother.

Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch!
Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."

Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all
think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off
his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers
are alright."

The Gay Flight Attendant:

"My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if... you could just put your trays up, that would be super....'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch' "

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.

The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.

Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Ahmed was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had one long standing wish - to suck the Queen's voluptuous breasts to his mind's desire.
Every time he passed the Queen he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire to king's chief medical officer, Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it.

Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Ahmed could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1,000 gold coins for it.

Ahmed agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the Queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the King's anxiety. Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva was only in Ahmed's mouth.

Akbar summoned Ahmed and for the next 4 hours Ahmed violently sucked the Queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired.

Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since his mission was over he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact he shooed him away.

Ahmed of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor. But Ahmed had underestimated Birbal.

Next day Birbal duly put that lotion in King Akbar's underwear.

Ahmed was called promptly by the King again.

One day Little Susie got her monthly period for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny.

Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

































































ANSWERS :
1) Talk
2) Legs
3) A Twenty-dollar bill
4) Firetruck
5) Fork
6) Almond Joy Candy Bar
7) Last name

A man and little Johnny, his grandson, are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" the grandfather asks.

"No" says Little Johnny.

"Then you're not big enough." says the grandfather.

A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it. Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he asks.

"No" says Little Johnny.

"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "They look good, can I have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" asks Johnny.

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather proudly.

"Then go fuck yourself," says Johnny, "these are my cookies!"

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to just one really good deed, you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!''

St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'

'Oh, about two minutes ago.'

Little Tom was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tom?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tom tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tom patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "that's because he's inside your FUCKING CAT!"

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Alan, you do an excellent job posting jokes! I often forget to look here, but when I do, I always laugh!

Hillbillies
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together....! I was rummag'n through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"

^

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About a mile down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams..."Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a shit!"

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my things again, you're fired!"

RELAX, MY SON

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son,''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please d on't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought three more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''

His mother smiling said to him, ''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son.