Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

The mothers/gay sons thread reminded me of this.

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

^^^^ . That's fucked up. Esp when the little girl gets older and figures out exactly what she was talking about.

This guy was tired of fooling around with loose women, and so he decided he was going to settle down and get married. But he wanted to marry a virgin, so he came up with this little test. As soon as he would get the girl in his car, he would pull out his tool and ask her what it was. The first girl said, "That's a dick", so he sent her back in the house and left. The next night he had a date with anoyher girl and he did the same thing. She too said, "That's a dick", so he sent her back in the house. This went on for a while till one night when he got the girl to the car and ask her the question, she looked at it and said, "I don't know". This, he decided, was the girl he was going to marry, so he put his tool away and they left for their date. After courting her a bit, he finally popped the question and she said Yes. As soon as they got to their honeymoon suite, he pulled out his tool and said" Honey, there's something I want you to know. This is a dick" She replied" No it isn't. A dick is much bigger than that and it's black!"

A guy was standing in the checkout line at the supermarket when an very attractive woman tapped him on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, but I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Shocked speechless, he searches his memory.

"Wait a minute," he blurts out. "That night my buddies got me so drunk that they took all my clothes and set me out on Main St. buck naked and I wandered around until I came into this little bar and fell in the mud wrestling pit and puked all over the floor...Were you the stripper that took me home with her that night?"

"No," the woman answered coldly. "I'm your son's math teacher."

A Priest and a Rabbi were relaxing at the town's Fourth of July picnic when the Priest decided to have a little fun.

"I tell you Rabbi, you just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Smith's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Do you think you might break down and try a little?"

"Probably," the Rabbi answered with a faint smile. "At your wedding."

On an tombstone in Thurmond, MD...

Here lies an atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go

A well built blonde checks in to a fancy hotel. On the first day, she decides to go sunbathing on the roof so she lies down and begins to catch some rays.

The next day, deciding that she was high enough that no one could see her, she decides to go for an all over tan. She had hardly laid herself down when she heard footstep coming up the stairs. Since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled her towel over her tush.

“Ma’am, we really don’t mind you sunbathing up here but we must insist that you wear a bathing suit as you did yesterday,” the manager gasped out between breaths.

“I don’t see why,” the blonde protested. “I’m high enough that no one can see me. Besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

"Not exactly,” the manager said. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Roy and Harry are out walking on a Florida nature trail. All of a sudden, Roy says, “Wow, did you see tha?”

Harry says, “No.”

“Well,” says Roy, pointing at a lake, “A crocodile was sunning himself on a rock over there and just splashed into the water.”

“Hmmmmm.”

A few moments later Roy says, “Did you see that?”

Harry replies, “See what?”

“Are you blind, Harry? A bald eagle just flew overhead.”

“Oh.”

A few minutes latter, Roy says, “Did you see that?”

By this time, Harry is getting a bit exasperated so he says, “Yes, as a matter of fact I did!”

“Well then, why did you step in it?”

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers. He says, "Yes. My father taught me."

"Good. Then what comes after four?"

"Five," answers Johnny.

"What come after eight?"

"Nine," says Johnny.

"Excellent," says the teacher. "It sounds like your dad taught you well. And what comes after ten?"

"A Jack."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where where selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. The woman looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk as to her marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the
big toilet like his daddy.

He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching
his genitals and howling.

He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
"K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

My wife was watching a cooking show the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

Energizer Bunny Arrested. Charged With Battery

A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."

She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."

He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."

Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.

The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"

St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."

"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"

Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks."

A guy says to his friend, "I heard you had a big fight with your wife. How'd that end up?"
"Oh, she had to crawl to me on her knees," the friend said proudly.
"And what did she say?"
"Get out from under the bed, you lowlife coward."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Italian Loan:

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the
bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having
to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the "dumb" Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Then the employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?'

The Italian replied: 'Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!


FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food..

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being
together.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's asses that left you.

FRIENDS: Will knock on your door.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'

FRIENDS: Will visit you in jail
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend the night in jail with you.

FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend
the night with you in the hospital.

FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Might ignore this.

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to an extremely
attractive woman.. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,........ 'Damn thing's an hour fast!'

A woman was talking to her doctor.

She said, "Can you explain something for me? Both my husband and I have blonde hair but our little boy has reddish-brown hair. Why is this?"

The doctor said, "How often do you have sex?"

She said, "Oh, about once or twice a year."

The doctor said, "There's your answer. Rust."

(A RAISE is desperatly needed)

Employee; "Excuse me Sir, May I have a word with you?

Boss; "Sure, Come on in".

Employee; "Well Sir, as you know, I have been an employee with this firm for over 10 yrs".

Boss; "Yes, that right"

Employee; "I won't beat around the bush Sir. I would like a raise. I currently have 4 major companies after me and I decided that I would speak with you first".

Boss; "A Raise???, I would love to give you a raise but now is not the right time considering the economic situation as it is".

Employee; "I understand your position Sir. I know that the current ecconomy is down but you must take into consideration my loyality to this firm for the last decade".

Boss; "Taking into factors the situation underhand and your loyality I am willing to give you a raise and a extra 5 days of vacation time. How does that sound?"

Employee; "Thats GREAT, It's a deal. Thank You Sir".

Boss; "Before you go, out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"

Employee; "Oh, The Elect Co, The Gas Co, The Water Co, and the Mortgage Co".

A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


'Frank, for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, it's CHICKEN!'