Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still on her shoulders.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A man on an airplane sits down next to a lady reading a book.

He says to her "You know, I've heard that the flight goes by faster if you have a conversation with someone."

She puts the book down and says, "Oh, really? What would you like to talk about?"

He says, "How about Nuclear Power?"

She says, "Ok, but I have a question for you first. We have deer, cows and horses. They all eat the same thing, grass. When the deer poops, it comes out like little pellets. When the cow poops, it comes out like little patties. When the horse poops, it looks like a bunch of grass clumped together. Why is that?"

The man thinks for a moment and replies "Well, I don't know."

The woman says, "You don't know CRAP about CRAP and you want to talk about Nuclear Power?!"

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said:


'You got male!'

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID...........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on
stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts shouting, "Yeah
baby.. mmmm.... yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come
out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked and said, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever
told you how handsome and sexy and irresistable to women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, flattered.
"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several
years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor
who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast
to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and
try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't
want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes
later,white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks
what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Early for St. Patrick's day

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'

'Well, it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence ... and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line, "Okay.. . now what?"

A woman is flying to Hawaii for the first time. Not wanting to offend anyone by mispronouncing the island’s name she says to the little old man sitting next to her, “Excuse me sir. Can you please tell me if where we’re going is pronounced huh-WAH-ee or huh-VAH-yee?” The little old man looks up from his book and tells her, “huh-VAH-yee” and goes back to reading. “Oh, thank you very much!” she says. Without looking up from his book, “Your velcome.”

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their place at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

Guy says: "Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Nevermind, its TOO long"

Girl says: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Nevermind, you'll NEVER get it!"

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the
bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots
and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a
little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin
she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to
the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again
was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily by
the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare
you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he
truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable
experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want
to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful
lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies wistfully, "but I would if I had a pussy."

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black & blue...

Doctor: What happened?

Woman: Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp..."

Doctor: I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle.

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."

Doctor: You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?!!

Did you hear about the paranoid schizophrenic with low self-esteem? Yeah, he didn't think anyone important was out to get him.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me its not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will
this take? I ask.

They will grow larger over a period of years, my husband replies. I
stopped. Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years? Without
missing a beat he says, Worked for your butt didn't it?

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

RedBedroom wrote:THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me its not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will
this take? I ask.

They will grow larger over a period of years, my husband replies. I
stopped. Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years? Without
missing a beat he says, Worked for your butt didn't it?

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Heard that one before

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.



The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.