Joke 'em if they can't take a fu<k

What do you get when you cross a Mormon and an Atheist?

A person who rings your doorbell for no reason.


What does an insomniac dyslexic agnostic do at night?

Lay awake wondering whether or not there is a dog.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A man was walking in he woods, It was a great day. Suddenly, the man hears
a rustling in the bushes. He peeks over the bush and sees a short man dressed
all in green dancing around and singing. "Holy shit" the man says "That's a
Leprechaun , I gotta grab him so I can get my three wishes" So the man pounces
on the Leprechaun and says "Gotcha, now give me my wishes!! I want Cindy Crawford
in my bed every morning, A million dollars given to me everyday for the rest of
my life, and immortality." The Leprechaun says "Ah, Those are some hard wishes,
for me to grant them I'll need you to let me bone you up the ass!!!" The man
thinks for a second and says "All right, I'll do it for those things" SO the
Leprechaun mounts him and starts going to town. The man says, "I can't beleive I'm
doing this." The Leprechaun says, "I can't beleive it either" The man replies,
"You can't beleive I'm actually letting you bone me too huh?" "Not exactly," The
Leprechaun says, "I just can't beleive you really think I'm a Leprechaun!"

A woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it comes back
there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a
note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry, "Use more soap on panties."

Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that said,
"Use more paper on ass."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears
to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir, I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then she takes
a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very
slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely

'Are - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about
their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late
teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out
on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the
young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure
that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said,
"Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father
looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti,
is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's
Chuck --" and the farmer shot him.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at
80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your
radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear --
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to
his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to
you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

A guy hires a prostitute and they go back to a hotel room.
She proceeds to get undressed while he goes and lays on the bed.
As she turns around she see him "pleasing himself".
She says "what are you doing!"
He replies "for two hundred bucks you don't think you're getting the easy one".

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips . . .
. . . she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...

Don't Ya Just Love Shopping for Shoes!

And what were you thinking?

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

^^Good one Marc!

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

^^LOL. I think that's one of the few I haven't heard before.

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

A 6th grade math teacher poses the following problem to his class:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars in his will. One-fifth is to go to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raises his hand and answers: “a lawyer.”

^^^

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...

Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa eve...n more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

LOL! Thanks for reminding me of that one Red And so apropos for the season!

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the
counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful
daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and
has a rather strong sex drive."The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're
bullshittin' me!"

The social
worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

^^^^^ . I'ma use that one Tony!

Good one Tony.

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all
the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother,
glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those
ladies have?"

"They become cab drivers," she replied.

Nystyle709 wrote:^^^^^ . I'ma use that one Tony!

LOL NY

Jimmy had been hearing loud bumping noises coming from his parents room for the last 3 or 4 nights. The next night , the noises started again, so he goes to investigate.
Quietly opening his parents bedroom door, he see's his mother bouncing up and down on his father. Quietly, he slips back to bed. The next morning,Jimmy asks his mom why she was bouncing up and down on dads stomach. Mom thinks for a minute , then tells Jimmy it's part of a new diet plan to help dad lose weight.
Jimmy then replies" I don't think it will work mom". Mom asks Jimmy why not! "Because every morning when you leave for work, Mrs. Jones from next door comes over and blows daddy back up!"