http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20110105/hl_time/httphealthlandtimecom201101035newreasonstogetorstaymarriedthisyearxidrssfullhealthsciyahoo

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It's long been up for debate whether children are better off living with two unhappily married parents or one divorced mom or dad.

Well, as far as kids' health is concerned, it looks like parents are better off sticking it out, if they can. New figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention show that children who lived in the same home as their two parents had lower rates of asthma, vision problems, developmental delays, ADHD and migraines, even when wealth and education were factored in, Time.com reports.

Interestingly, the parents didn't have to be married, but they had to live together.

Another study showed that elderly people whose parents were divorced had twice the risk of stroke as people whose parents stayed together. So even when you're in the nursing home, your parents' divorce in fourth grade is still affecting you!

We've never totally understood studies like these. How is it healthy for a kid to grow up in a home where the parents hate each other? They may be less likely to develop asthma, but they're probably more likely to enter into a dysfunctional relationship when it's time for them to get married someday.

Our compromise: If you're going to stay together, find a way to really work things out -- for the sake of your kids.

What do you think? Used to be a time when a couple's entire marriage was dictated by kids (they married because he got her pregnant, they had a(nother) baby in an attempt to save the marriage, they stayed together because of the kids.) Is it all in vein? Should kids well being be enough to dictate remaining in an otherwise miserable marriage?

This year will mark my parents fortieth anniversary, but they came dangerously close to divorcing when I was a kid. I remember there being lots of tension, and my dad moved out for a while, but they reconciled and have been together ever since. Even though I used to flinch when I'd hear yelling and loud banging fists against walls/tables when they'd argue, I probably wouldn't have handled it well if they divorced.

I was about six when my parents divorced and look how I turned out.

Well, OK don't look. But I think we did alright. My mom remarried shortly and my stepfather became surrogate parent I suppose. And, I used to wake up to them screaming at each other for years, so we had all the normal dysfunctional family stuff going for us to prevent my asthma and retardation that the CDC has found in its statistical analysis.

I am leery of the CDC these days. They seem to be putting things forth as science when it is questionable and irrelevant to general health. (They are now putting up the African circumcision studies for HIV prevention and extrapolating that to Western societies where it is not really a factor. I don't really trust the CDC motives anymore.)

I agree with whoever questioned this: "We've never totally understood studies like these. How is it healthy for a kid to grow up in a home where the parents hate each other? They may be less likely to develop asthma, but they're probably more likely to enter into a dysfunctional relationship when it's time for them to get married someday."

I believe sometimes divorce is necessary BUT, BUT, big BUT here, the parents SHOULD try to part on good terms and make a genuine attempt to work together and NOT be sniping each other and turning the kids against one another and not play tug of war with them or 'who do you love better, me or your father/mother?' When parents CAN remain friendly with one another in divorce, the children seem to fair far better than if it's WWIII.

My parents got divorced when I was 13. wheeze wheeze I can't speak for my brother who is 6 years younger but it was actually such a relief. wheeze wheeze The most important thing is for the parents to put the best interest of the child first but unfortunately that doesn’t always happen. wheeze wheeze

Not easy but not necessarily bad. If the parents have reached the point where they're miserable or can no longer even tolerate each other it's better for the kids to not have to live in that atmosphere.

I don't see how things like vision can be related to parents' marital status! The other stuff...maybe but that is a big "maybe". Also, how can the elderly's possible physical ailments stemming from parental divorce even be brought up in regard to today's children? Divorce was looked at much differently when Grandma and Grandpa were young.

The question in general about kids being better off or not, it really depends on the parents' level of disdain for each other and how they process the anger in front of the children.

One thing I am finding so interesting is that at age 11, several of my son's friend's parents are going through divorce a second time.

I agree with the article. I think that divorce is bad for kids, but an unhealthy marriage is WORSE. I think that when you're a parent you are obligated to put your children first until they are grown, and if that means that they are a little extra "glue" in your marriage, so be it- but make sure that you're working at your relationship and being respectful of your spouse and all that. If that's impossible and you're fighting all the time and stuff, then they shouldn't be in that environment.

The thing that sucks about it though, is that IMO if you can't find a way to be adult and get along while you're married, what are the chances you'll be able to do that once you're divorced?

My parents divorced when I was 8 and I didn't see my dad again until I was 25.

I'd say it is bad for them if it's not an abusive situation.

^^^ ITA with what you just said. Divorce isn't good, but staying together in a miserable, unhappy marriage where there is nothing but fighting all the time? How is that good for the kids.

Shale wrote:

Saw a movie today with the same subject as this thread. Blue Valentine.

https://conversationchamber.forumotion.net/t4434-blue-valentine#38862

It is a really good movie if you can stand the reality of it, dealing with a couple breaking up.

I read a review of that this week in EW at the gym. Looked good. I love Michelle Williams.

The husband and wife remaining in a cold, miserable marriage is much, much worse on the kids than a divorce will be. It can be troubling for kids, and it takes an adjustment period, but if the mother and father are mature enough to always put their needs first, kids of divorce will always bounce back.

Impact wrote:

It can be troubling for kids, and it takes an adjustment period, but if the mother and father are mature enough to always put their needs first, kids of divorce will always bounce back.

I think that's my problem with it, it seems to me that if they were that mature they'd find a way to live happily together in the first place...

BUT I can't be unbiased about this one, as a child of a horrible divorce who didn't see her dad from age 9-25.

I was HAPPY before they got divorced because they never fought in front of me and I thought everything was fine...Then the floor dropped out and everything sucked.

Forgiveness Man wrote:

I'd say it is bad for them if it's not an abusive situation.

my mother was abused by my father... so in my case...divorce was a VERY GOOD THING!!!

thepossiblepolice wrote:

Impact wrote:

It can be troubling for kids, and it takes an adjustment period, but if the mother and father are mature enough to always put their needs first, kids of divorce will always bounce back.

I think that's my problem with it, it seems to me that if they were that mature they'd find a way to live happily together in the first place...

BUT I can't be unbiased about this one, as a child of a horrible divorce who didn't see her dad from age 9-25.

I was HAPPY before they got divorced because they never fought in front of me and I thought everything was fine...Then the floor dropped out and everything sucked.

It's not always that simple. People grow apart, goals change, and frankly the love can dissipate. In order to live happily ever after, there needs to be a certain level of actual happiness there. My ex-wife and I had were together for twelve years, married for nine and have three kids. The first year we assumed we were happy, the second year were okay despite the storm clouds subtly moving in. After that we were miserable. We stayed together because we were both partners in the corporation that was our marriage, which included our kids, and we weren't willing to split off. After a while, it just became impossible to keep pretending that we didn't hate each other.

Impact wrote:

thepossiblepolice wrote:

I think that's my problem with it, it seems to me that if they were that mature they'd find a way to live happily together in the first place...

BUT I can't be unbiased about this one, as a child of a horrible divorce who didn't see her dad from age 9-25.

I was HAPPY before they got divorced because they never fought in front of me and I thought everything was fine...Then the floor dropped out and everything sucked.

It's not always that simple. People grow apart, goals change, and frankly the love can dissipate. In order to live happily ever after, there needs to be a certain level of actual happiness there. My ex-wife and I had were together for twelve years, married for nine and have three kids. The first year we assumed we were happy, the second year were okay despite the storm clouds subtly moving in. After that we were miserable. We stayed together because we were both partners in the corporation that was our marriage, which included our kids, and we weren't willing to split off. After a while, it just became impossible to keep pretending that we didn't hate each other.

I can understand that, and I agree that it's not simple or easy. I just haven't had enough "good" examples of divorce in my life to believe that it makes things better. That doesn't mean that I don't believe it exists for some people.

Did you really hate her? I guess I understand being angry, having bitter feelings, stuff like that...But to love someone enough to marry them and then go from that to hating them...I don't understand how that happens. ( I hope I never have to)