What would you do in this situation?

I can't remember how much I have said here about my son's paternal grandmother. Long story short, we have not seen her since July 2004 when she screwed her son (my son's dad) out of thousands of dollars, then left the state.

So, today we got a call from her sister saying she was just diagnosed with lung cancer. She has smoked like a chimney for years, so it is no shock. And I have so much disdain for her that I don't even care a bit that she is sick. Not one inch of me is sad about it.

But I am just wondering if I should send a letter to her to tie things up and say something? I just wonder if some day, when I am 50 and have grandchildren of my own, will I regret not saying something to her?

The thing is, I wouldn't be able to send a letter just saying nice things. I would have to include how she really failed as a mother and grandmother. So, it is probably best to just leave it alone.

Thoughts?

Shale, you are right. My heart is not into writing simply a sympathy note. I just couldn't do that. Because other than the money stuff, she was a terrible grandmother to my son and his sister.

My son is not close to her at all. The only things he remembers about her is not liking being around her. He was five the last time he saw her. I told him tonight that she had lung cancer and he said, "oh really?" He couldn't care less. As far as his dad's reaction, he couldn't care less. In fact, when his aunt called today to tell the news, all he said is "Thanks for letting me know." He didn't even ask any details such as how advanced it was or anything.

my grandmother was a drunk who wronged my mother in the seventies. My mother still gave her money for mother's day, bdays, christmas.... but she kept us away from her for the most part. I knew her very little because my mother wanted to keep us from the bad part. In 2001 she was diagnosed with 3 forms of cancer with 3 weeks to live. We all went to the hospital and said our good byes and we were better people for NOT bringing up the past, no matter how we felt.

My father's mother treated my mom like crap before/after my dad died when I was 3. My mom could have kept me and my bro from her but didnt. As I got older I was able to form my own opinions about BOTH my grandmothers' actions. Neither were very nice, and both were too selfish to be mothers, however I don't really know what kinda of childhoods they had to endure that may have led to their choices in life.

Keep in mind that SHE is not related to you, she is related to your husband and son. THEY are the ones who have to make the decisions to contact or not contact. You may have your resentments and hostilities, and my own experiences with a moth-in-law has taught me to just let go of the anger before it eats away at us. How will you feel years from now to know that you brought tears to the dying mother of the man you love???? Really? Most dying people reflect back on their lives, and i believe most do not like what they see. If you believe in karma, then maybe the cancer is karma. The drunken one got cancer, and the nasty one got dementia and went crazy---maybe that is how God punished them for the ways they treated my mom. Maybe God is punishing your mom in law for her actions, who knows. But release your anger, it does you more harm than good.

Thank you wantstolaugh. You did make me realize that I should be sure to ask my son if he wants to call her. I doubt he will, but I could be wrong.

As far as anything else, I am probably less bitter over all of this than my guy. She really did him wrong, and hurt him so much. I seriously doubt he will travel to her funeral. But, again, I could be wrong.

Hope i did not sound harsh. Families are all different and quite complex. My father died on Nov 6th 1977. My mom had a nervous breakdown and went into a hospital. She came home and a couple weeks later her stepfather died on christmas day. My grandmother talked my mom into paying for the funeral, paying $5000 for bail of an uncle, and giving her money until the insurance came in. Then she threw my mom out of the house and said that she was never really welcomed there anyway cause my mom was a "mistake" from the first husband.

At the same time, my dad's mom was claiming to have my dad's will which named her executrix of the will. She paid herself for the title, knowing that my mom now had 5 kids from 2-16. She took most of the money and got herself new carpets, but my mom was in such a funk, she was not paying attention and did not care.

My FIRST memory of my grandmother and my dad's sis were of them coming in the house and ripping pics off the walls and telling us kids to get out of the house. Mom was in the hospital. They told us that it was her "son's house" and to "get out now". My 16yr old sis was washing dishes and told them to get the F@#$ out or she was calling the cops. They were married with children and there was nothing the old ladies could do about it. Nice memory of your "mom-mom" huh???

Oh, no way...you did not sound harsh at all. I am glad you said what you did because I was really not even thinking of questioning my son further to see if he would ever want to call her if the cancer is advanced and the prognosis not good.

So, don't think I took you post as harsh. It was helpful.

The ironic thing is, my mom died of lung cancer five and a half years ago. My son was so young then, yet took it very, very hard. So, while I don't think he would care either way if his paternal grandmother dies, I should ask him if he thinks he wants to call her.

Kids react to people who are important to them. My one sister came to visit from Hawaii, and my other sis' kids were 6-10. We went to a movie and the kids were a little rammy in the car. The hawaii sis kept telling the kids to sit and after yelling a couple of times, the oldest laughed in her face and she said she would smack him. I told the kids to sit and they did. Then I told her that the kids don't even know her and are not going to listen to her--- and that if she even THOUGHT about smacking those kids again, I would smack her. They still do not really have an attachment to her. Kinda sad cause they have me, the hawaii aunt, my sis who died, and paternal aunt... but if asked, they say "one aunt, aunt Kirsten". thats kids. Your son will be fine. And I am sorry you have to deal with this.

If it was me, I wouldn't have anything to say to the bitch, and if I did none of it would be nice, but then again neither am I. No, I don't believe in doing that 180 stuff of JUST because something bad's happened to them, that suddenly it's supposed to be like the awful stuff never happened, I don't forgive and I don't forget, of course that's just me.

Leave it alone.

I think it's something your sons father has to ponder more than you do, honestly. Since it's his mother, your relationship with her is really more of an auxiliary, especially if there was never a bond. If they can somehow find a way to come to a resolution, and if she can extend an olive branch, then I would go ahead and make peace. But honestly, just because she's sick doesn't mean that she suddenly becomes more sympathetic. She knows what she did, and why the relationship is strained. She should be the one pondering her own health and mortality, and more concerned about making things right in light of it.

Reading over some of the replies; yeah, Red, I'd leave it alone as well. Again, she needs to make the first move.

Ditto with the others Red.

Thanks, everyone. After thinking about it longer, I am 100% sure I am going to leave it alone. It has to be up to her to make a gesture, which I doubt she ever will.

So, despite what I said, I wrote her a letter. I have her sister's email addy and asked her last night if she could send me an address. Despite all the great advice here, I decided that I am going to be selfish and seek some sort of closure in it all.

She screwed my son's dad (her son) out of money, not me. We are together, but our money is separate. Not that it is truly a money thing but I want to be able to tell my son and my step daughter that I tried. And try for what I don't know. My letter stated that I am angry but did love her at one time and felt that as my son's grandmother she deserved to be reminded of that. I updated her on the kids and my dad and left it at that. Of course I haven't sent it since I don't have an address yet anyway. But I do have to ask the Mister if he thinks it is ok for me to send. He may disagree. And since it is his mom, he has total right to veto me sending something.

Maybe being the better person here is the right thing to do. Red I have the world's worst father as you have seen in my posts here and he dosen't deserve any kind of sympathy or compassion from me because of the way he treated me, my siblings and my Mama. I just decided one day to get it all out in the open, my feelings, his mental and physical abuse, I layed it all on the table in front of him. I basically, in some way, forgave him somewhat for being the cruel insensitive bastard that he is. I will never forget though.

For closure and for peace of mind I just think its a good idea to let it all out and then try to forgive in some way for her being greedy and screwing your man out of the money he deserved. Like you said when you are 50 you can look back and know that you did what you could to mend fences and to close that chapter of your lives. My father is declining a very slow, slow death, he is now bedridden but God for some reason keeps him in enough good mental health that he knows what is going on around him and he is basically not sick but can you imagine what its like to basically be just a talking head? I feel this is God's way of punishing my father for what he did to his family and your man's Mom is being punished for the dirty deeds she has done. Say what you have to say, let it go and move on.